Koopman Kraziness

I've decided that making resolutions on New Year's Day is too predictable.  LOL  Why not make them on Thanksgiving? (Or any other day for that matter??)  Here are my new resolutions. Complete at least one blog entry a week. I feel badly that I haven't kept up with this blog as I had intended to do, so this is the big focus for me. Get back into the gym and do so no less than 3 days a week. I lost my momentum with it all when I started classes in August.  My courses for next semester will be greater in number, but will be online or in the evening so I will have time during the day to go with no excuses. Select the course material to start Kamden's homeschooling in the fall. Get my A1C back down below 7.0. Get on and STAY on a budget. Find something I can do just for myself one time a week. Learn how to better manage my time. Make it a habit to put clothes away as I fold them.   This seems minor, but in my house it's HUGE. Learn how to be content with...

I promise you I have not abandoned this blog. Things have been more than a little crazy lately and I am learning the fine art of time management.  :) This week there will be at LEAST one new post updating you on life as we know it.  Don't give up on me!

I joined WW and haven't really been sticking to it.  I've GOT to.  This is a huge chance to have an amazing life turn around.  It's just a matter of will power.  I've been succeeding at getting my blood sugars under control and that was just a matter of deciding I was going to do it.  I can do this.  I GOT this. Tomorrow I start working out again at the gym.  Life got crazy on us and we stopped going in March or so, but got paid up today and I got my own membership so I can go when Jeff isn't home (since his new job starts on Monday!), so I thought the best way to start over would be new measurements. Bust: 47.75 Waist: 47.75 Hips: 54 Bicep: 14.75 Thigh: 27.5 Last Weigh in was on Monday: 264.8

Apparently I have control issues.  God keeps placing me in situations that cause me to HAVE to wait or not have ANY form of control.  First, we endured Kaidi's pregnancy, diagnosis, birth and death.  None of it was within my control in any way, form or fashion.  Now, a year later...  We're talking about trying for another baby. But can we just start trying like a normal couple?  Nope.  That'd be WAY to easy.  Here's what we have to do in order to be "cleared" to try. My OB/GYN, Psychiatrist, and Diabetic Specialist have to all agree that I'm okay to try. The OB has to determine that I've physically healed and that I'm not just wanting a baby for the sake of replacing Kaidi.  He also has to assess the extent of my endometriosis. The psychiatrist has to determine and feel that I'm emotionally stable and ready to start moving forward in that area of my life because it will mean weaning off of all medications that I'm on for depression and...

Granted, he has been for a month already, but I'm so stinking proud of my boy!  Soon we'll be starting our adventures in homeschooling and I can't wait!

I know I'm super behind on posts so I won't write a book, I'll just post some pictures.  Kamden loved Easter this year - especially since for the first time he understood the fun of the Easter Egg Hunt!  He got to do one at church and one at my parents' house.

For the first time in MONTHS I felt like getting out and doing things for fun with my boys.  We went to lunch where Kamden had his first ice cream cone.  Then we went to the Veteran's Memorial park here in town and to get gifts for Kaidi for tomorrow.  It was a good day with lots of laughs and good memories made. What I woke up to find in our bed.  Little relaxed? Ready to go for the day with new summer hair color! He bumped his head and told us he had to go to the hospital.  After telling him he'd be fine, he grabbed this and said he just needed, "slow, deep breafs"

I'm going to try to keep this as clear as possible but I'm so overwhelmed, in a good way, that I'm not totally sure how. Tonight marks one year to the day (not the date) that we said goodbye to Kaidi.  In all honesty, I dreaded today more than I did her actual birthday.  I guess because it is right before a major holiday, it will always more hit me that it was Sunday night, before Memorial Day.  Anyway, I'm getting off topic here. There are going to be details in this that are kind of going to make you go, "Did she really just say that???" but they are things we all do, so just know it goes with the big picture okay??? Anytime there is a major stressor or a big event in my life, you can bet that I change my hair color.  I don't know why I do it, but I do.  This week I attempted to go from almost a mahogany color to bleached blonde.  Don't try it.  Two bleaching sessions and a burned scalp later, my hair was basically just yellow.  SO, ab...

I don't really have the words to explain it...but today just HURTS.

Every day that brings us closer to our one year mark with living in the land of parents-who-have-lost-a-child is more tense and anxious than the last. Once I finally get to sleep, I wind up sleeping later and later every day.  I guess it's my way of avoiding having to face and feel anything more than I have to.  Poor Kamden is having more and more behavioral issues.  I know part of it is due to the move and all the big changes that happened there, but I know a big part of it too is that he senses things are different and that Jeff and I are more on edge than normal too. I went and bought flowers for Kaidi last night.  It seemed completely surreal.  I felt like I was buying them for someone else.  When I got home I sat looking at them and thought, "This is absolutely wrong.  I'm not supposed to be buying things to decorate my daughter's grave site.  I'm supposed to be buying a frilly dress for her first birthday.  I'm supposed to be gettin...

I can hardly believe that in just over a week we will be facing the one year mark of Kaidance's birth and death. I didn't expect to be "sadness free" by now or anything like that, but I did expect the pain to be at least a little less. Boy was I ever wrong... I've all but stopped sleeping without the help of tranquilizers and even then, I wake up thinking I hear her cry and trying to get to her.  It's only after the fog of sleep lifts that I realize, with brutal force, that there's no cry to go and soothe.  Worse than that, there's no way to make the crying go away.  I can't control that I hear it.  It's part of that day that's stuck in my mind that I can't make leave.  I thought that I'd start moving forward, and some days I do, but most days I feel stuck on May 29, 2011... I function just enough to say I do stuff.  Since moving to my parents', I sleep all the time or don't sleep at all.  I spend much of my time not talki...

Life has been a blur for the last six weeks or so. Mother's Day was harder than I'd been expecting it to be.  I tried to just focus on Kamden and on the fact that I had a handsome, healthy 4-year-old to spend the day with, but the thought of what it'd be like to have a gorgeous 1-year-old princess to spend it with too kept haunting me.  The day itself was nice.  All the women who were mothers were recognized as a group during church, and with my dad being the pastor, I had checked well ahead of time to find out if there were going to be any questions singling out specific moms (ie youngest mom, most kids, youngest kid, etc) and knew what to expect. In the week before Mother's Day, Jeff, Kamden and I moved from our apartment back to my parents' house.  It was a hard decision, but one that had to happen.  Between problems with adjustments to the GI Bill that wind up causing the total payment to those using it to drop by $300 a month as well as the loss of unem...

I stole this blog post title from a singer I like.  I think it really fits how I feel. What are you "in between", Tara?  Well... losing my daughter and feeling like I can fully move on, to be honest.  And by moving on I mean feeling like I can love another child as an individual and not as a replacement for Kaidi.  Feeling whole again as a family of three and being able to fully focus on and appreciate my son and husband without the thought of, "But I want HER" being there on a constant basis.  I know I'll always want her, but at some point I'll be able to accept that it's not going to happen in this life and be able to be okay with it. I did however come to the conclusion that I need to be distracted.  Not to the point that I don't deal with losing her, but to where I am forced to function on a daily basis.  After doing a lot of thinking and planning I've got a list of things that I plan to do - some are daily, some weekly and some only mont...

I can't believe we hit the 10 month mark. I know I say that every month, but for some reason 10 months seems downright surreal.  I held it together well until the day before your angelversary.  Your big brother was so sweet - trying to take care of me.  He asked me, "Mommy, do you just miss baby sissy SO much?"  I told him yes, and that I just wanted him to have a baby brother or sister to play with.  He held me in his little arms and told me it'd be okay and that he'd take me to the doctor so that they could fix the owie on my heart.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that the doctor couldn't fix it.  I just told him instead that he was the best doctor ever and he could fix it for me. The day of, I didn't fair much better.  It was more of the same, but the guilt was back.  Your daddy wasn't ready to try for another child when we started trying to have you.  A part of me wonders if I'd not pushed and if we'd waited if things wouldn'...

I've been really inspired lately.  In large part, I owe this inspiration to my friend Lindsey .  I greatly admire and respect her and the decisions and sacrifices she makes for her family.  I would really encourage you to read and comment on her blog.  She's amazing! It's not really a secret to ANYONE that our economy is in the crapper and really I don't forsee it getting any better.  If anything it's going to get worse.  Everyone pretty much already knows I coupon and do it as much as possible, but I've decided it's time to take it one step further.  We're going to start going green.  I don't think that we'll ever be FULLY green (but hey, we may surprise even ourselves!) but there are things that we can do to start being self sufficient. I thought I'd make a list of the things I plan to do and ask for input and ideas as well.  Here's what I've got so far. I tend to hoard soaps, shampoos, conditioners, cleaning supplies...  So ...

Wednesday evening my mother started having pains in her right side.  By early Thursday morning she had started having nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.  My dad wound up staying home from work that day and felt pretty confident that she had signs of appendicitis.  Mom also has several complications from long term diabetes, so she wasn't so sure that appendicitis was what was happening, so she put a call into her doctor's office.  Thanks to an office that never called, she waited another 5 hours in agony (want to throat punch someone there, but that's beside the point) before my dad decided we were just going to the ER. I hadn't been to the ER since the night Kaidi was born.  By the time we had arrived at the hospital, the main doors were locked and we had to enter through the ER. My dad asked that I ride with him so that I could wait with mom inside the ER while he parked the car.  Of course I didn't mind to do so, but halfway there I started to pan...

My Precious Baby Girl - I would be planning your 1st birthday already.  Kamden's is  in April and already pretty well planned, so I have no doubt I'd be on Pinterest looking up fun ideas. I would be on the lookout for the perfect Easter dress.  There are already so many pretty, frilly, "froofy" dresses in the stores - the kind I swore I'd NEVER buy for MY daughter - and I desperately want to get one and dress you up for pictures with your big brother. I would be chasing you around the apartment, you on all fours, likely putting anything you could into your mouth. What a workout. :) I would still be nursing you.  We'd have our own special, quiet moments in the middle of the night where you would hold onto my fingers while your nursed and eventually fell asleep. Instead, today I went with your big brother and your Grammy and picked out a flower wind spinner and balloons for your grave site.  Soon after that, I saw the woman who had asked me what I...

I was sitting tonight and thinking about things that are regularly done in my home, but make NO sense to me. Just to name a few... Not immediately rinsing dishes/pots/pans and therefore making more work for myself when I do the dishes. Putting off laundry because I "hate it" only to let it pile up and take twice as long. Allow ANYONE (including myself) to leave a dirty article of clothing on the floor. Hating clutter with a passion but allowing our family to own as much "stuff" as we do. Complaining about procrastinators, but excusing my own procrastination. Feeling like I could be a better wife/mom/friend, but not taking steps to do so. Wanting to lose weight in large amounts, but not putting forth the physical effort or the mental effort to change. Know that I need to move forward in small steps (in all areas of life) but trying to force myself into the future well before I'm capable or ready to do so. It definitely gave me some things to think abou...

I won't lie. Haha, why do I always throw that in?  I am more open here than I am anywhere else.  But I digress... It's been bad lately.  Really, really bad.  I can't get up the motivation to do basic daily chores.  I cleaned the toilets recently purely because I had no clue on God's green Earth when I last did it.  (Yes, I know that is gross and once you are done dry-heaving, I encourage you to come back and read.)  It had gotten to where we were all having to step over clutter, toys, piles of papers, etc., in order to get through our living room.  I bought groceries enough to feed Jeff's drill unit for a full weekend, but have yet to make any meals from the things I bought.  I hate it and it makes me feel like such a slacker, no...a failure. I saw the psychiatrist today for a follow up.  I mentioned all of this and was replied to with four words: Delayed Grief and Avoidance. First off, I'd like to thank God that I'm normal a...

Okay, being that I haven't lived in Wisconsin in over 3 years, I can't really say that I can place blame there.  I got a letter from my primary care doctor's office this week and was told that my bad cholesterol is high.  I am doing my best to not beat myself up but to not foo foo it away as nothing.  I only need to bring it down about 20 points, so I know it could be way worse.  I know that the first thing everyone thinks of is fatty foods, dairy overload or something similar but after reading up on it, I found out that stress can cause it to rise too.  Apparently when highly stressed, the body doesn't break down foods as well and can cause cholesterol issues. So, in addition to changes in my diet, I'm going to attempt to "de-stress" my life. I know that being stress free is impossible as there are both good and bad stressors we face daily, but there are things I can change to make things less stressful for me. Things like: Asking for help Gett...

At least that I'm going to post lists of on here.  I'm not super motivated lately and to see on here the lack of completion with my goals makes me sad. Instead I'll post a weekly wrap up and let you know what I DID get done.  LOL

I didn't do well in the "Goals Set" category last week, so I'm keeping it simple this week. Read two books. Get back into the gym. Get the house cleaned and germ free Here we go. ETA: Monday 2/13 Laundry put away Master bed stripped, disinfected, febreezed, and re-made Paper piles sorted Papers taken to recycle  

Last Month's Measurements: Neck: 14 Bust: 44 Waist: 44 Hips: 53 Thigh: 26.75 Calf: 17:5 Wrist: 6.5 Forearm: 10.5 Bicep: 14.5 This Month's Measurements Neck: 13.5 Bust: 45.25 Waist: 45 Hips: 53 Thigh: 26 Calf: 17 Wrist: 6.5 Forearm: 10.5 Bicep: 15 Change: Neck. -.5 Bust: +1.25 Waist: +1.00 HIps: 0.00 Thigh: -.75 Calf -.5 Wrist:0.00 Forearm: 0.00 Bicep: -.5 Total: 0.00 change (I won't complain - I was NOT consistent with gym times this month at ALL)

At least most days, I feel.  I have to admit that a big part of me liked it more when I didn't feel. You might have noticed that while we've passed the 8 month mark since losing Kaidi, there was no 8-month "Dear Kaidi" post.  The truth is, that day was incredibly hard and I wasn't sure if people could handle reading about it.  However, I promised from the start of this blog that I'd remain open and honest and I will continue to do so. January 29th fell on a Sunday, so we were less than 5 minutes away from the cemetery where Kaidi's body rests.  I made sure to go out after church so that I could talk to her.  One minute, I was totally composed and kneeling down telling Kaidi I missed her and was making sure her big brother knew everything about her that I could remember...and the next I was having to force myself to stand and leave.  The urge to dig my nails into the dirt and start clawing it away from her tiny coffin was overwhelming.  In my min...

Lucy  Songwriters:  Cooper, John Landrum; Hey Lucy, I remember your name I left a dozen roses on your grave today I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I'd give up all the world to see That little piece of Heaven looking back at me Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I've gotta live with the choices I made And I can't live with myself today Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday They said it'd bring some closure to say your name I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance But all I got are these roses to give And they can't help me make amends Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I'd give up all the world to see That little piece of Heaven looking back at me Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I've gotta live with the choices I made And I can't live with myself today Here we are, now you'r...