Ever had your life completely changed at Walgreens? I have.

I'm going to try to keep this as clear as possible but I'm so overwhelmed, in a good way, that I'm not totally sure how.

Tonight marks one year to the day (not the date) that we said goodbye to Kaidi.  In all honesty, I dreaded today more than I did her actual birthday.  I guess because it is right before a major holiday, it will always more hit me that it was Sunday night, before Memorial Day.  Anyway, I'm getting off topic here.

There are going to be details in this that are kind of going to make you go, "Did she really just say that???" but they are things we all do, so just know it goes with the big picture okay???

Anytime there is a major stressor or a big event in my life, you can bet that I change my hair color.  I don't know why I do it, but I do.  This week I attempted to go from almost a mahogany color to bleached blonde.  Don't try it.  Two bleaching sessions and a burned scalp later, my hair was basically just yellow.  SO, about 10:30 tonight, I told Jeff I was going to get a color to tone the yellow out and asked if he wanted to go with me.  I had to use the bathroom before we left, and it wound up being more than a fast trip.  While I was laboring with Kaidi, and didn't REALIZE I was in labor, I made MANY trips to the bathroom thinking I just had to go. While trying to do so tonight, I had a flashback.  The contractions, the fear, the shortness of breath - all were there.  And then I started to bleed.  This wouldn't be that significant if my doctor hadn't put me on birth control in a way that mimics pregnancy so that no periods occur to help control endometriosis.  I do. Not. Bleed.

I pushed the thoughts away and headed out to the car.  As soon as I sat in the car, I started to cry.  It was about the time we'd gotten in the car that night a year ago to rush to the hospital.  Now, I haven't been able to cry since early April.  Why, I don't know, but when I've needed to cry, there were no tears to spill.  I went so far as asking my friends on facebook to PRAY I'd be able to cry.  Their prayers were answered.  We had a short drive to the store, and the longer we were in the car the more hysterical my crying became.  Poor Kamden was in the back seat trying to calm me down, and I was trying to convince him I was okay while Daddy Jeff ran interference.  (I love that man.)  When we pulled into the parking lot, I told Jeff, "I'm not sure I can go in."  I'd started to shake head to toe and was having a full blown panic attack.  I asked him to take Kamden in with him, told him what I needed and asked him to just give me a little time.  He gently squeezed the back of my neck, smiled sadly and got Kamden out of the car.  The second they walked away, the dam burst inside of me.

I only remember crying this hard four times in my life.  One was when we thought my mother was going to die from diabetic complications when I was in junior high.  Another was the day that I found out Kaidi wasn't going to survive after pregnancy.  Another was the day I held her at the funeral home, and the last time was finding out a dear friend of mine who was 20 weeks pregnant was killed in a car wreck.  That last one was the last time I cried.  I heard screams and cries of agony coming out of my mouth that sounded like things I've only seen on the news when a mother loses a child.  It didn't sound like me at all.  I sobbed so hard that the car was rocking.  (Poor guy walking out of Walgreens looked like he was terrified and wanted to help but didn't wanna go there...)

The last time that I cried out to God for anything was in the funeral home two days before Kaidi's funeral.  I reminded Him that Lazurus was dead and buried for four days before He arrived and that he'd raised him whole and complete.  I reminded Him of His promises to hear our cries and to give us the desires of our hearts if we delight ourselves in Him.  I BEGGED him for my daughter to be made whole for HIS glory and to return to us.  When He answered with "No" like a stubborn child, I gave Him the silent treatment.  Not just with my mouth, but with my mind and heart.  I'm ashamed to say, but want to make it known for the sake of any reading who may have had the same happen and felt guilty, I haven't opened my bible to read AT ALL other than when I was AT church since the day of her funeral.  In my mind, God had stopped listening to me and no longer cared.  If He didn't care, then why should I?

I heard myself...no...(not to sound dramatic, but because I truly believe it's what occurred, I'll put it this way) , I heard my SOUL cry out for God in that car tonight.  There was no longer anger in my heart when I said His name, only anguish.  I cried out to Him and told Him that there is no way I could go on like this.  I told Him how deeply, deeply tired I am.  I begged him, like I did that day in Kaidi's state room, to take it away.  This time I didn't beg for death to be taken from her, but from me.  I have no doubt in my mind that this entire situation has been, in part, a battle for my soul and for the souls of my family.  In a very real sense, I've been dying and close to eternal death for months now.  The anger and bitterness I felt toward my Father made it SO easy for Satan to step in and control me like a puppet.  Deep down I knew that everything was in God's hands.  I KNEW.  But I didn't CARE.

I was texting a fellow mom-of-angels that has been a rock for me this last year, and I remember telling her, "I can't do this.  It hurts too much."  She replied with, "You can.  You can and you will.  Say, 'I'm going to be okay', and say it out loud."  Anytime before I wouldn't have done so, because I don't want to say things I don't believe.  But I did it.  I said it out loud, even though I had to force it out of my mouth.  Then things got cool..

At exactly 10:52 (the time of Kaidi's birth), everything stopped.  My tears dried up.  My shaking stopped.  My fear was gone.  I sat in total silence in the car for a good five minutes almost in shock of how calm I felt. Now, you can think I'm a complete looney, but I assure you as I have in posts before that I will NEVER lie on this blog.  Anything I share is 100% honesty - good, bad, or ugly.  I have NO doubt that the moment I calmed, God HIMSELF was in the car with me.  I'm not talking about "God is all powerful and He's always where we are".  No, no, no.  El Shaddi was sitting in the car with me.  The atmosphere was different.  It's so hard to explain, but I'll try.  It was almost warm...not temperature wise, but comfortable.  Like...being a kid and being scared by a bad dream, but crawling up in your mom or dad's lap and just knowing that you are okay and you are safe and not alone.  THAT kind of warm.  And there was a smell I can't describe other than to say that it smelled thick...and like a perfume, but nothing I've ever physically smelled before.  And it was like it permeated EVERYTHING.  I have no doubt that tonight, God cradled me in His arms like a scared child, and pressed my head to His chest, let me feel that He was there and healed my broken heart.

The next thing I knew, all I wanted was to have my relationship with Him back.  It's like seeing an old friend after years.  You may pick up where you left off, but things aren't quite the same because time has passed and things have happened, life has changed you and you have to get to know each other again.  I know He hasn't changed, but I sure as shootin' have.  It felt like horrible withdrawal...  At one time in my life, I was addicted to pain killers.  It's been many years ago, and I'm not proud, but it's the only thing I can think of to explain the intensity of the craving for God I had go through me.  I also had the distinct impression that I'm going to have to fight harder now than I ever did in the last year.  I don't doubt in the least that Satan was extremely close in succeeding at destroying me completely and I know he's not thrilled at ALL that I was set free from that tonight.

Jeff and Kamden got back to the car not long after that, and Jeff opened my door.  Kamden wanted to hug me.  It was a strange feeling, but it was almost like my physical vision was brighter than it had been.  Kamden's eyes were bluer.  His face glowed.  And everything about him made me want to laugh.

So yes, Kaidi's death changed my life in ways that I can't ever even begin to fully explain or understand, but tonight was my chance to live again. It was time for me to be better.  To let go.  To not understand the "why" but be okay about not knowing.  To finally realize for myself and because of my own experiences that He never left me.  He's been right beside me, hurting for me, wanting to take my pain away, just like I want to take Kamden's pain away when he's sad or fallen down or sick.  The difference was that Kamden runs to me when he hurts.  I ran away.  God never moved.  In fact, had I turned around sooner, I likely would have run smack into his chest like I did tonight.  Would I have been embarrassed?  Possibly.  I am now because I wish I'd not taken so long to run to Him.  But I would have had this peace.  The peace I have now.  The peace that tells me that should God provide us with another child, I would be okay.  And while I would be nervous and somewhat anxious about the pregnancy, I would know in my heart that it was a separate situation and event and just because things went badly last time, it doesn't mean that it would happen again.

So what's the next step?  Well, there's a few things.  I'll save them for another post because this one has become a novel, but the first one is to "blow the dust off" of my bible tonight and get to know my Lord again.  I really, truly get now that without Him, I'm NOTHING.  But I'll tell you what...because of Him, I'm back.  I'm fully Tara again and I'm not letting go.  Things will ONLY get better from here.