Dear Kaidi - 10 months and Reality Sucks
I can't believe we hit the 10 month mark. I know I say that every month, but for some reason 10 months seems downright surreal. I held it together well until the day before your angelversary. Your big brother was so sweet - trying to take care of me. He asked me, "Mommy, do you just miss baby sissy SO much?" I told him yes, and that I just wanted him to have a baby brother or sister to play with. He held me in his little arms and told me it'd be okay and that he'd take me to the doctor so that they could fix the owie on my heart. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the doctor couldn't fix it. I just told him instead that he was the best doctor ever and he could fix it for me.
The day of, I didn't fair much better. It was more of the same, but the guilt was back. Your daddy wasn't ready to try for another child when we started trying to have you. A part of me wonders if I'd not pushed and if we'd waited if things wouldn't have turned out differently? If you'd still be here...? I know that we can drive ourselves crazy with the "what ifs" of life, but they are there, nonetheless.
On top of that, I thought that we had an unexpected blessing on the way. Without great detail, I had great reason to believe that I was pregnant again. I was scared, but was SO much more excited than I thought I'd be when that point in time came about. I didn't realize how badly I wanted another child until the possibility of it being was there. Sadly, we found out that we aren't expecting another. Really, I think your daddy was relieved. He's not get been able to really grieve for you and I know he's not ready.
In addition to all that, we received two different rounds of quite unexpected news about our finances, so we will likely not be trying to get pregnant again for at least a couple of more years. If God sees fit to allow something to happen before then, we'll be grateful, but we know there's a lot of work to do on our finances, our mental and emotional health and many other areas before that happens.
It isn't at all that we want to replace you or wouldn't miss you just as much as we do now. My arms, Kaidi...they hurt so bad to hold you. To hold a little one that fully needs me. Kamden still needs me, but he will be 4 this month and is much more independent than he's ever been. I'm sure it sounds incredibly co-dependent of me, but I need to be needed. I know that were you still here, you'd be showing your own forms of independence...crawling, standing, trying to walk...but you'd still need me for everything.
Trying to type this, I realize how silly it sounds, but I somewhat dread Easter. It's terrible of me to admit it...but I don't want to hear about ANYONE being raised from the dead. I know that Christ's resurrection is what makes the promise of our eternal life and promise of our own resurrection to return to be with him forever...but I prayed for 4 days that that same life would be returned to you. Lazurus was dead and BURIED for four days and Christ still was able to raise him. Your funeral fell on the fourth day. I asked the funeral directors if you were still REALLY gone and had they checked closely... I remember him smiling sadly at me, hugging me and telling me that yes, you were still gone.
I know that there's supposedly a "purpose" for everything that happens, but why did it have to be you...? Why did WE have to be the example? I would never, EVER wish the pain on another mother and father...but I would gladly have "let this cup pass from me".
The day of, I didn't fair much better. It was more of the same, but the guilt was back. Your daddy wasn't ready to try for another child when we started trying to have you. A part of me wonders if I'd not pushed and if we'd waited if things wouldn't have turned out differently? If you'd still be here...? I know that we can drive ourselves crazy with the "what ifs" of life, but they are there, nonetheless.
On top of that, I thought that we had an unexpected blessing on the way. Without great detail, I had great reason to believe that I was pregnant again. I was scared, but was SO much more excited than I thought I'd be when that point in time came about. I didn't realize how badly I wanted another child until the possibility of it being was there. Sadly, we found out that we aren't expecting another. Really, I think your daddy was relieved. He's not get been able to really grieve for you and I know he's not ready.
In addition to all that, we received two different rounds of quite unexpected news about our finances, so we will likely not be trying to get pregnant again for at least a couple of more years. If God sees fit to allow something to happen before then, we'll be grateful, but we know there's a lot of work to do on our finances, our mental and emotional health and many other areas before that happens.
It isn't at all that we want to replace you or wouldn't miss you just as much as we do now. My arms, Kaidi...they hurt so bad to hold you. To hold a little one that fully needs me. Kamden still needs me, but he will be 4 this month and is much more independent than he's ever been. I'm sure it sounds incredibly co-dependent of me, but I need to be needed. I know that were you still here, you'd be showing your own forms of independence...crawling, standing, trying to walk...but you'd still need me for everything.
Trying to type this, I realize how silly it sounds, but I somewhat dread Easter. It's terrible of me to admit it...but I don't want to hear about ANYONE being raised from the dead. I know that Christ's resurrection is what makes the promise of our eternal life and promise of our own resurrection to return to be with him forever...but I prayed for 4 days that that same life would be returned to you. Lazurus was dead and BURIED for four days and Christ still was able to raise him. Your funeral fell on the fourth day. I asked the funeral directors if you were still REALLY gone and had they checked closely... I remember him smiling sadly at me, hugging me and telling me that yes, you were still gone.
I know that there's supposedly a "purpose" for everything that happens, but why did it have to be you...? Why did WE have to be the example? I would never, EVER wish the pain on another mother and father...but I would gladly have "let this cup pass from me".
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