Returning to Ground Zero

Wednesday evening my mother started having pains in her right side.  By early Thursday morning she had started having nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.  My dad wound up staying home from work that day and felt pretty confident that she had signs of appendicitis.  Mom also has several complications from long term diabetes, so she wasn't so sure that appendicitis was what was happening, so she put a call into her doctor's office.  Thanks to an office that never called, she waited another 5 hours in agony (want to throat punch someone there, but that's beside the point) before my dad decided we were just going to the ER.

I hadn't been to the ER since the night Kaidi was born.  By the time we had arrived at the hospital, the main doors were locked and we had to enter through the ER.

My dad asked that I ride with him so that I could wait with mom inside the ER while he parked the car.  Of course I didn't mind to do so, but halfway there I started to panic.  I felt my chest flush and my heart rate jump.  I started having "the contractions" and all I knew to do was to start Lamaze breathing.  We got to the ER and I ran back to Jeff's car to drop off my phone and wallet.  I told him, "Pray, I'm not sure I can do this" and headed back to wheel mom into the ER waiting area.

Oh. My. God.

Mom was able to get her initial paperwork filled out and I stood behind her, white knuckle gripping the handles of the wheel chair.  I truly don't remember the time we were in there other than that I stared at her admittance paperwork, trying to focus on the words and not the fear I was feeling.  Then...man, I'm close to crying even trying to type it...when we moved away from check in to wait for dad, I realized we were waiting in the exact spot I'd waited for Jeff the night Kaidi came.  We didn't stay in that spot long, but it was long enough.  I could tell people were watching and worried about how I was reacting, but I honestly didn't care.  I just wanted out.

Dad got in fairly quickly and I stayed long enough to let him know to call us if he needed anything and that I'd stay up and wait to hear what the doctors had to say.  By the time I got back out to the car I was feeling like I couldn't breathe, but I wasn't expecting the look I got from Jeff when I buckled in.  I told him to not talk but to just get me out of there and I saw him stare down at my arm.  I'd scratched huge welts into my arm, neck and chest.  A few had even drawn blood.

Halfway home, it all hit me.  I relieved the entire night and just broke into sobs in the car.  I fight letting it happen when I'm around Kamden so he was more than a little worried when he saw me so upset.  I just doubled over in the car and sobbed.  When I got home, I slept for hours.

I know it's just part of the "new normal" but wow...