"Dear Kaidi" - 9 months

My Precious Baby Girl -
I would be planning your 1st birthday already.  Kamden's is  in April and already pretty well planned, so I have no doubt I'd be on Pinterest looking up fun ideas.

I would be on the lookout for the perfect Easter dress.  There are already so many pretty, frilly, "froofy" dresses in the stores - the kind I swore I'd NEVER buy for MY daughter - and I desperately want to get one and dress you up for pictures with your big brother.

I would be chasing you around the apartment, you on all fours, likely putting anything you could into your mouth. What a workout. :)

I would still be nursing you.  We'd have our own special, quiet moments in the middle of the night where you would hold onto my fingers while your nursed and eventually fell asleep.

Instead, today I went with your big brother and your Grammy and picked out a flower wind spinner and balloons for your grave site.  Soon after that, I saw the woman who had asked me what I'd done that killed you who is now 32-weeks pregnant with her twins.  I know she remembered me because the look on her face gave her away.  That and the fact that she avoided me intentionally.  There is a part of me that is happy for her and part of me that wants to scream "WHY"?  Why does she get to have TWO healthy babies when I'd give my existence to just have YOU???  I'd never wish a loss on anyone, EVER, but I just want to know why it had to be you.

I know that the "typical answers" will go something like this:

• "God needed a special angel and so he took her."  If that comforts others, it's fine, but I know my daughter isn't an angel.  She's a human...whom God exalted higher than the angels.  
• "God knew you were strong enough to handle it." - Maybe so, but you haven't seen me on the days that I put in a movie for Kamden and just pray I've put away all of the non-kid-safe items so that I can sleep on the couch and not have to face my life.
• "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." - I may not be dead, but I feel like I am emotionally at this point.
• "At least she didn't have to suffer here." - This is possibly the only response I take comfort in at this point.  My daughter never has to know the pain of rejection, heartbreak, the pressure to "measure up" or endure the physical ailments and diseases that many of us have to face.  

The thing is, none of these reasons explain to me why it was MY child that was given the responsibility to influence lives.  Why it was OUR family who "had the chance" to touch other parents who have lost or are preparing to lose their precious children?  Why do I have to be comforted by my nearly 4-year-old and reminded that "Baby Sissy doesn't hurt now.  She is in Jesus' lap"?  

I'd never wish it on any parent, but my God....  I wish this time I could say, "Thank God that didn't happen to us."  I can't say that though.  We're forever the family that "lost".  Our lives are inseparable from that event.  Even sweet Kamden's.  Our lives are now forever divided into "B.L." and A.L."-  Before Loss and After Loss.  

I never, ever expected to have to relearn how to be a mom.  I never expected to have 5 months of my life that I do not remember in any way, shape or form.  I wonder what I might have missed with Kamden between the end of May and Halloween...?  And I never expected to have to try to rebuild my marriage...I never thought it'd be tested as it has.  

I just pray that I am as strong as everyone seems to think I am.  I pray that I can hold on and see things get better.  Everyone keeps telling me it does...  I just want answers.  Answers to the one question which can never BE answered.

Why???

I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, My baby you'll be...

Mommy