I can do it... I hope.

Every day that brings us closer to our one year mark with living in the land of parents-who-have-lost-a-child is more tense and anxious than the last.

Once I finally get to sleep, I wind up sleeping later and later every day.  I guess it's my way of avoiding having to face and feel anything more than I have to.  Poor Kamden is having more and more behavioral issues.  I know part of it is due to the move and all the big changes that happened there, but I know a big part of it too is that he senses things are different and that Jeff and I are more on edge than normal too.

I went and bought flowers for Kaidi last night.  It seemed completely surreal.  I felt like I was buying them for someone else.  When I got home I sat looking at them and thought, "This is absolutely wrong.  I'm not supposed to be buying things to decorate my daughter's grave site.  I'm supposed to be buying a frilly dress for her first birthday.  I'm supposed to be getting pink decorations for her party.  Not pretty pink flowers for her to never see.

I'm trying to come to grips with the fact that I will very likely never have an answer to my question of "why" here on Earth.  I've always been one that had to know the "why" behind things.  From the time I was little, my parents would not just get onto me for doing something wrong, they would explain to me exactly why I was in trouble.  In all of my math and science classes while I was in school, I made sure to find out why a formula worked and not just accept it as "fact".  To have something like this...something so massive and life altering...and not be able to have a concrete reason as to why it happened...?  It's killing me.  It's not even that I want to have control.  Lord knows that I'd love to have some semblance of control in this situation, but even knowing an answer to why Kaidi was allowed to bear this illness and why our family was chosen to bear this load wouldn't change the fact that I couldn't control what happened.  I can't control how I feel or really even how I react now.  That's one thing I keep learning about grief.  Just when you think you have control, you find out you actually have the least.  Something happens, you smell a smell, hear a sound, see someone and suddenly the tide rushes back in and sweeps you off of your feet and you are drowning in your emotions all over again.

Maybe this all happened because I hold on too tightly to things.  Maybe I felt too much like I had to be in control and it was keeping me from being where I could be in my relationship with God.  I still would have asked Him to choose some different way to show me to let go and let Him take control, but I didn't have that choice.  This is my lot in life and it's up to me how I choose to deal with it and cope with it.  It stinks.  It is infuriating.  It's humbling.  It hurts. And it's part of me now.  It's who I am.  I'll never be the same.