Choosing to grieve

At least most days, I feel.  I have to admit that a big part of me liked it more when I didn't feel.

You might have noticed that while we've passed the 8 month mark since losing Kaidi, there was no 8-month "Dear Kaidi" post.  The truth is, that day was incredibly hard and I wasn't sure if people could handle reading about it.  However, I promised from the start of this blog that I'd remain open and honest and I will continue to do so.

January 29th fell on a Sunday, so we were less than 5 minutes away from the cemetery where Kaidi's body rests.  I made sure to go out after church so that I could talk to her.  One minute, I was totally composed and kneeling down telling Kaidi I missed her and was making sure her big brother knew everything about her that I could remember...and the next I was having to force myself to stand and leave.  The urge to dig my nails into the dirt and start clawing it away from her tiny coffin was overwhelming.  In my mind, I was saying things like, "If I could hold her just one more time she'd come back to me.  She just needs me to warm her up."  My head knew how illogical the thought was, but my heart...  My heart wouldn't listen for anything.

The fear and irrational thoughts aren't limited to Kaidi, however.  A week ago, I went to take our dog outside and Kamden locked me out of the apartment.  For a good while I could hear him playing and talking and all of a sudden it was extremely quiet.  I ended up having a full blown panic attack waiting for maintenance to come and let me back in because I was just sure something had happened to him.  My first thought was that I'd recently been cutting coupons and couldn't remember if I'd left out the scissors.  What if he'd picked them up to bring to me, tripped and fallen on them.  I won't even describe to you the mental pictures that were going through my head.  Needless to say, I got into the apartment and Kamden was safe and sound, watching TV.

Most days are decent.  No flashbacks, no panic attacks to speak of, but just a lot of apathy.  I can see dirty dishes or clutter and it bother me pretty badly, but not enough to get up and do anything about it.  I know it's tied to depression so I'm doing what I know to do to combat it, but most of the time it seems like my efforts are useless.  Some days I hurt to hold Kaidi so much that it makes me crazy, and other days it's almost like it never happened at all.  On those days, I'm able to fully focus on Kamden, play with him, laugh with him, etc., but it never fails, on the days that I'm happy and fully functional, I'll start having the "contractions" again.  When they hit, the entire night of delivery replays through my mind and I'm a disaster for a few hours after.  I know it will continue to get better, but it's sad to dread the good days coming because I know how they will end.

I've decided to just let myself feel whatever I'm going to feel.  I'm not going to worry anymore about if it's "normal" to feel the way I do because I know that everyone goes through a different journey when they grieve.  I'm going to do my best to not worry about what others might think of how I'm grieving because many have never been in my shoes and even if they had been, their judgments shouldn't matter.  I have to do what I have to do to get better...and I've avoided feeling and dealing with the lost of my precious angel girl for 8 and a half months now...  I still don't expect to be okay over night, but I do know that I have to allow myself the luxury of grief.  I have to remember that it's okay to not have the answers or be the strong one.  I don't have to have it all together or even appear to have it all together for the sake of others.

I am me.  I grieve in a way specific to my nature and my situation.  Nothing about how I grieve is "wrong" as there is no wrong way to feel.  There's not a timeline to which I must adhere in order to be "correct" in my grief process.

Baby steps.

One foot in front of the other.

Step by step.  Inch by inch.  Breath by breath.