Koopman Kraziness

I fully intend to do updates on these resolutions this year.  Many of them I've somewhat discussed in previous posts, so they will be no surprise, but I might as well "get them down on paper". Continue to get into shape and lose weight.  My target is to be a total of 100 lbs less than I am now by the end of December 2012. Take back control of my diabetes. Find and reignite my relationship with Christ. Develop new habits with regard to household chores and have a change in outlook on them. Have a cleaned and empty sink each night before bed. Have general clutter all picked up (toys, trash, dirty/clean clothes) before bed Learn to divide up large tasks into small intervals so that it doesn't take time away from my family. Have the home as consistently as possible in a state where if someone were to just stop by I'd not be embarrassed to have them come in and sit a while. Remember that it's okay to not have a perfect home.  It means that memories a...

Dear Kaidi -- I can't even believe that it's been 7 months since we met you.  In some ways the time has flown and I can't believe it's been as long as it has.  On the other hand, I can't believe it's already BEEN 7 months.  Time sort of stopped for me the moment your heart did. I've continued going to grief counseling as well as family therapy with your Daddy.  I really thought I'd moved past the guilt I felt over your death, but it seems to come back like the ocean's tide.  At times, there are pilings (my grief) that are fully exposed because the tide is out.  They are black and gnarled.  Some of them are broken and beginning to erode with the water that covers them about half of the time.  They have other "life" growing on them and feeding off of them...fueling them to grow and thrive.  They grow and thrive like the ache and hole in my heart do anytime we do something that you should be joining us for.  I try to take comfort in kno...

'MY WISH LIST" I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one's name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name. If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn't because you hurt me: the fact that they died causes my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing. I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn't think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling. Being bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't stay away from me. I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in 6 months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me. As wit...

This song has been on constant replay in my head and in my car when I'm there..  It almost has become my theme song.  If it offends, sorry.  If you get it...I'm glad. Sometimes lyrics Songwriters: John Landrum Cooper Sometimes when I lie, I know you're on to me Sometimes I don't mind how hateful that I can be Sometimes I don't try to make you happy I don't know why I do the things I do to you but Sometimes I don't wanna be better Sometimes I can't be put back together Sometimes I find it hard to believe There's someone else who could be Just as messed up as me Sometimes don't deny that everything is wrong Sometimes rather die than to admit it's my fault Sometimes when you cry, I just don't care at all I don't know why I do the things I do to you but [ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/skillet-lyrics/sometimes-lyrics.html ] Sometimes I don't wanna be better Sometimes I can't be put back together Sometimes I find it hard to ...

Original Measurements Waist 49 inches Bust: 50 inches Hips: 55 inches Thigh: 29.5 inches Bicep: 14 inches Neck 15 inches New Measurements Waist: 45.5 inches Bust: 46 inches Hips: 52.5 inches Thigh: 27.5 inches Calf: 18 inches Wrist: 7 inches Forearm: 10.75 inches Bicep: 15 inches Neck: 14.5 Weight 257 Waist Change: -3.5 Bust Change: -4 Hips: -2.5 Thigh: -2 Bicep: +1 Neck: -.5

Dear Kaidi, I remember when I was younger and would hear that something was 6 months away or 6 months ago that it seemed like such and unbelievably LONG time.  Well, exactly 6 months and 18 minutes ago, you were born, and it seems like a week ago.   Do you know that by now, you'd be cutting teeth, trying to crawl or having us chase you as you crawled your way to independence and be rolling all over the place?  Of course you don't know that...  Where you are, you're already running, dancing, leaping and skipping all over the place.  You know no pain, and while I thank God for that, my heart still holds an enormous hole.  I miss you so much and I still carry the guilt with me every moment that I wasn't able to save you.   I know that your story is touching the lives of people I could have never imagined it would, and that definitely helps ease the pain...but I'm still so mad.  I don't want to be mad, and I know you wouldn't want me to be, but I c...

*DISCLAIMER: This will not be a happy read.  This will be another of those blunt, raw blog posts that I just let my fingers do the walking on.  I'm not even entirely sure what the full post will contain nor how long it will be.  PLEASE, if you can't handle raw emotion, close out of this post.  There will be no sparkly unicorns farting rainbows, burping sunshine or sneezing glitter here today.* Okay, take a good long look at the above picture.  That thin strand in the middle?  That's where I feel like I've been teetering for about 2 months now.  I have it in perfect balance right now but the slightest movement forward or backward and it will snap and to the left or the right, I'll crash to the ground.  It's been just shy of six months since my diagnosis of PTSD, and I've learned a lot of things in that time that you don't normally get told when you are in the office.   For example...for about 6 weeks, every night from 9:30 to 10:45 I would ...

The spread - Thanks to Momma, Gramoo and my efforts it was a NICE day! Chow down, big boy! My beautiful Grandmother and I We love him so much - but he was a little distracted by the Packers' Game Happy Thanksgiving from the Koopman Family!

Okay, the last measurements I could find on here that I'd taken were more than a year ago...but I'm going off of them because my weight was the same at that time. Original Measurements: Waist: 49in Bust: 50in Hips: 55 in Thigh: 29.5 in Arm: 14 inches Neck: 15 inches New Measurements: Waist: 45.25in Bust: 47in Hips: 53in Thigh: 28in Calf: 17.5in Arm(Bicep): 15.5in (I assume and hope from muscle?) Arm(Forearm): 10.5 Wrist: 7in Neck: 14.5in Total Inch difference: Waist: -3.75in Bust: -3in Hips: -2in Bicep: +1.5 Neck: -.5 Total Inches lost: 9.25 I've got a ticker that's keeping track of my weight loss, but I'm trying to not focus on that as much as inches right now.  I'll do measurements again in 2 weeks and then will do them monthly only (on the first).

I never in my wildest dreams thought that a mere 5 months after having lost sweet Kaidi that I would start to see part of the reason behind the "why?" that has plagued me since first finding out that something was potentially wrong with her. Two days ago, a family that I have been friends with for literally as long as I can remember lost their youngest daughter in a tragic car accident.  The entire family, but especially the mother, have been such a huge support, not only with prayers, but with hugs, listening ears, and tears shed silently when there were no words to be spoken.  As soon as I got the call from my dad about their daughter, something inside me literally felt like it was on fire.  As much as I'd never wanted to say to another mom, "I know how you feel right now" I wanted, no, I needed to be there with her.  I needed to hold her like she'd held me, even if it was to say nothing.  Even if all I could do was cry with her. You see, not only does...

Working on the pattern About halfway done My little Charlie Brown!

Well, we're halfway there!  It's taking longer than I thought it would, but it sure does feel good to get to the end of a product, know that I didn't waste it and that by using it up, I saved my family money that can go toward family fun things or toward paying off bills (ick). This one will be a definite repurchase!

My precious daughter: By now you would be: Sitting on your own and regularly eating solids.  You would be smiling and cooing, "talking" to us, sleeping less and interacting more.  Your big brother would be begging to help with you and run to get diapers, help with bottles and make sure your nuk never fell out for long. Instead...  My heart smiled and broke again at exactly 10:52pm tonight...  They tell me that part of PTSD is reliving the event.  It's relived not just emotionally, but physically too.  I started feeling the exact same contractions as I had while waiting for you to come 5 months ago.  They hit around 10:00 and didn't let up until exactly 10:52... Now that pain has stopped and it's slowly moving to my heart. We had our first snow yesterday, and in the middle of telling your brother how pretty it was and hearing him ask if we could go outside in it, I caught myself worrying about you when the words, "No, buddy...  It's too c...

Earlier tonight, I was reading through recent blog posts of bloggers that I follow and my favorite blogger EVER (Tiffany - from http://hugelove.blogspot.com) had a new post called " How Deep Is Your Beauty? "  Her posts always touch a place deep inside me, so I know it's a God-pointment that I've come across her and been able to start cultivating a friendship with her. This particular post, however,  rang true in a not so positive way for me.  This part in particular: 1 Peter 3:3-4, 9 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God…To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might i...

If you've looked at this blog recently, you may have noticed a HUGE inflow of new posts.  I decided that 4 individual blogs was too much and just compiled them all here. I'll blog about each tab topic individually but an overall look at the most recent news will be included on each tab.  For example, I started Couch to 5K tonight.  I will be posting an actual blog post about it tomorrow but the stats of my calories burned, distance run, etc. are listed in the "Gaining Life: Losing Weight" tab. "Kaidi's Kreations" will give the basic information about my crafting business, but will also send you to a separate blogspot with full coverage of the images, prices etc. Some of the tabs have nothing on them yet as I am trying to come up with the best way to work them, but I hope that streamlining it a bit more will help. Give me some feedback as far as what you think of it all and any suggestions you may have.

I just... I don't have anything to give right now.  I mean I'm keeping busier than I ever have and even heading the candle vigil for Infant Loss Awareness tomorrow night, but I'm dead on the inside.  When I don't feel dead on the inside, I feel like I'm exploding out and shattering in on myself all at the same time. The holidays are approaching fast.  I want to skip them all.  I don't even want to celebrate my birthday.  What is there to celebrate, really? Her headstone came in yesterday and I am right back to where I was the day we turned her over to the funeral home.  I sat beside her stone and cried for 45-minutes yesterday, repeating over and over "Why?" and "Oh God..." in little more than a whispered tone. People tell me how strong I am...  If you could see me from the inside out, you'd know otherwise. I'm not "strong".  I'm surviving.  I'm doing what I have to do to keep going for my husband and son...

In this post I outlined the "busy work" and goals that I had for the next 15 months.  I was re-reading the post and realized I made basically ALL long-term goals and no short term.  The short are just as if not more important than the long so I wanted to add an addendum if you will to that list. SHORT term goals Have the sink cleared of all dishes and rinsed out every night before bed. (Working on that this week) Have the living room totally picked up of all toys, glasses, shoes, and other "we live here" items before bed.  (Starting next week) Make sure all trash is gathered and ready to go out in the morning before I go to bed. (This week as well) Sweep the kitchen and dining room daily.  (Starts in two weeks.) Get Kamden fully potty trained.  (I know boys are slower at this than girls, but we haven't REALLY been working on it with all the chaos of the last few months and it's time to get going again.) Have a somewhat flexible, but mostly stuck to ...

***BLOG DISCLAIMER  This is a very emotional post.  95% of it is based purely on my perception and perspective of things and not necessarily on what is FACT.  None of it is meant to offend, point a finger, hurt, or otherwise step on toes.  If it does, it is NOT my intention.  I need to get these things out, so if you aren't sure if you can handle reading a post like this, please "X" out of the window.  I don't want to hurt anyone.*** Have you ever been in the situation where when you get a new car that you suddenly see that EXACT car almost everywhere you go?  Well, it may be a strange comparison, but the same is true of wanting to be pregnant or hold your newborn.  You suddenly see pregnant women EVERY place you go or you see a beautiful bundle in someone's arms everywhere you turn. Most days it's bearable.  It still hurts, but it's more like a dull ache than it is a stabbing pain.  Other days my heart feels exactly like the one i...

I know in the grand scheme of things that 15 months is little more than a blip on the radar, but in Tara-time, it's an ETERNITY.  As of now, 15 months is the approximate amount of time I have been told I need to wait in order to start trying for another baby.  My heart is broken, but at the same time, I know there are truths in the reasons that I've been given. The first reason of course is time.  Ah the cliche' statements just flow through my brain - "Time heals all wounds" (Bull, it makes them more bearable but it doesn't HEAL them), "Just give it some time, it gets better" (well, at this point, all I HAVE on my hands is time and it doesn't seem to be doing much for me, TYVM!) "Get through all the 'firsts' and then it's a bit easier" (Um every day would have been a FIRST with a girl in my life...so I get regarding the holidays and things like that but expecting the "firsts" to end is crap.) The second is pro...

Call me a nut, but I am already thinking about fundraising for next year's March of Dimes.  I've come up with a few ideas, but wanted to bounce them off of those who read here. *I'm going to train to run the distance (a 5K) rather than walk it this year.  Considering that I can barely jog the length of a block right now, it's a lofty goal, but I thought using that as an incentive might help people want to donate. *I've made "Team Kaidi" shirts for a local "Walk to Remember" that is happening this weekend and was going to also use them for any team members we have for March of Dimes next year.  I don't want to turn her death into some sort of money making scheme, but I thought, "Why not look at selling the shirts with all proceeds going toward the walk?" *I continue to make bows and blankets and have considered putting all of those proceeds toward the walk as well. If you have any other ideas or particularly like one of those...

I had to take a break from making all the "girly things" when we lost Kaidi, but I think I'm back.  We've actually renamed the business as well, so you'll be noticing those changes on the site.   I'll have Halloween, fall and Christmas bows up within the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open!

1. What is something Mommy always says to you? Clean up all the blocks. 2. What makes Mommy happy? the girl (mmmmk?) 3. What makes Mommy sad? the girl...(yup) 4. How does Mommy make you laugh? She goes to the circus...  (the kid doesn't realize I'm mortally terrified by clowns) 5. What was Mommy like as a child? She said "shhhhhh" (I guess I say this alot?) 6. How old is Mommy? 4 and 5 (I hope he doesn't mean 45...) 7. How tall is Mommy? She's SO tall 8. What is Mommy's favorite thing to do? Eat some lunch 9. What does Mommy do when you're not around? Says "Shhh, shhh" (well I do like my quiet time) 10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for? "She's not famous..." 11. What is Mommy really good at? She feels sad (ouch...)   12. What is Mommy not very good at? Being happy (wow..) 13. What does Mommy do for her job? She goes to school (Well that's actually Daddy, but I AM going to go b...

I'm trying so hard to just deal with life...  take it as it comes... stay busy... help others to make up for not being able to help her...  It takes just one moment, one smell, one sound, one look and I'm right back where I started.  I'm so tired...mentally and emotionally more than anything.  I want it to all be a dream, but I know it's not.   I continue to see life go on around me while I feel like I'm standing still.  I know I'm making progress somehow and someway, but it feels like life is on pause and I've lost the remote.  A week from Thursday will have been 4 months...4 months!  122 days that have passed and I feel like I'm still lying in the delivery room cherishing the handful of minutes I was holding her alive. At one time I was comforted that I never saw her eyes.  Afraid that I would have seen pain there.  Now it haunts me.  I'll never know her eyes.

I have been delving deeply into the world of couponing, hoping that I can save a few dollars here and there on needs for our family.  I still have a long way to go in learning all the ins and outs of it all, but I have learned a few things.  Some are pretty common sense, but some I'd never thought of before. Where you live will dictate how well you can coupon.   There are more places than not that do NOT do the double or triple coupons, so the chances of being able to get a good stockpile going like you see on TV may not be realistic for you.  Celebrate the small victories and know that every dollar saved helps. ALWAYS shop with a list.   It will not only save you money, because you won't be needlessly buying things that you either already have at home or rarely if ever use, but it will save you a LOT of time.   Don't buy it just because you have a coupon.  'Nuff said.  Unless it practically makes the item free, if you don't immediately need ...

Okay, I'll admit that I intentionally used more than necessary to wipe these two out faster than normal, but I hated this brand (for my hair at least) and was ready to have it gone!

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I was talking with a good friend of mine last night and this morning, and she lovingly pointed out that there is a recurring theme of "control" and my thinking I need it, and that perhaps it's yet another thing that I need to be learning to relinquish to God and therefore obstacles keep coming into our path. Let me back up a bit.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a follow up on PTSD and depression following  our losing Kaidi.  Really I felt like I was doing a LOT better and I talked to the doctor about trying to conceive again after the first of the year.  I was told no.  I felt like I had been slapped across the face.  If you can believe it, hearing that I couldn't try for another baby, when my arms physically hurt to hold one, hurt emotionally more than when we were first told that Kaidi would likely never survive. They did give me legitimate reasons: 1) I can't be on Klonopin and it takes a while to wean off of. 2) The doctor wouldn't al...