Blah

I just...

I don't have anything to give right now.  I mean I'm keeping busier than I ever have and even heading the candle vigil for Infant Loss Awareness tomorrow night, but I'm dead on the inside.  When I don't feel dead on the inside, I feel like I'm exploding out and shattering in on myself all at the same time.

The holidays are approaching fast.  I want to skip them all.  I don't even want to celebrate my birthday.  What is there to celebrate, really?

Her headstone came in yesterday and I am right back to where I was the day we turned her over to the funeral home.  I sat beside her stone and cried for 45-minutes yesterday, repeating over and over "Why?" and "Oh God..." in little more than a whispered tone.



People tell me how strong I am...  If you could see me from the inside out, you'd know otherwise.

I'm not "strong".  I'm surviving.  I'm doing what I have to do to keep going for my husband and son.  Other than that, I'm existing.  That's it.

It's all pretend.

Fake it til you make it.

Just standing.  Standing because I don't know what else to do.

Pretend.  Exist.  Stand.  Smile.  Be "okay".

Pray for just one more day...hour...moment of surviving.

Comments

  1. JennneilOctober 14, 2011 at 11:45 PM

    Love you, Tara. I wish I could take your pain away.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AprilOctober 15, 2011 at 12:10 PM

    We are standing with you, Tara, for as long as you need us. You will get through this. Broken, sure, but with an even softer heart and more room to feel and care for all of God's children. So cry, question, scream... just don't quit reaching out. Love you little mama. ~April

    ReplyDelete

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