Okay God, I'm ready to learn and stop fighting
I was talking with a good friend of mine last night and this morning, and she lovingly pointed out that there is a recurring theme of "control" and my thinking I need it, and that perhaps it's yet another thing that I need to be learning to relinquish to God and therefore obstacles keep coming into our path.
Let me back up a bit. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a follow up on PTSD and depression following our losing Kaidi. Really I felt like I was doing a LOT better and I talked to the doctor about trying to conceive again after the first of the year. I was told no. I felt like I had been slapped across the face. If you can believe it, hearing that I couldn't try for another baby, when my arms physically hurt to hold one, hurt emotionally more than when we were first told that Kaidi would likely never survive.
They did give me legitimate reasons:
1) I can't be on Klonopin and it takes a while to wean off of.
2) The doctor wouldn't allow me to be on any type of antidepressant for the first trimester and I'd have to slowly wean off of it as it has addictive properties and I'm looking at very likely having back withdrawal symptoms - so we're looking at close to 6 months if the withdrawal symptoms are too aggressive.
3) I haven't given it enough time. (This one I'm not sure how I feel about - either I've gotten REALLY good at suppressing the emotions or I really am doing better and they need to realize that everyone heals at a different pace.
4) I need to get through all the firsts before considering trying. (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, her angelversary, etc)
When I tried to explain that part of our decision stemmed from the fact that I have SEVERE endometriosis that could lead to infertility, my therapist half laughed and stated that if she'd ever received that kind of report, she'd have been having her eggs frozen for later use. Um...yeah, but that costs a good chunk of change that most all insurances do no cover.
I came home after the appointment and scooped up Kamden. I didn't want to let him go, and I feel so bad as I cried into his hair and he repeatedly apologized to me thinking he had "hurt my heart". I grabbed Kaidi's blankets at bedtime and rolled them up into a bundle about the size she was when she was born, cradled it in one elbow and wrapped my other arm around Kamden to sleep it off.
I do know I don't want to go into a pregnancy when I'm not ready, and that one day I will likely look back at this day and appointment and be thankful, but it feels like (right now) that it has put me right back at the depression and anxiety I had within days of the funeral.
The fact remains though that I don't want to risk hurting an unborn child, so if waiting is what I have to do, then waiting is what I will do...even if i hate it and even if it hurts like losing her all over again.
Let me back up a bit. I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a follow up on PTSD and depression following our losing Kaidi. Really I felt like I was doing a LOT better and I talked to the doctor about trying to conceive again after the first of the year. I was told no. I felt like I had been slapped across the face. If you can believe it, hearing that I couldn't try for another baby, when my arms physically hurt to hold one, hurt emotionally more than when we were first told that Kaidi would likely never survive.
They did give me legitimate reasons:
1) I can't be on Klonopin and it takes a while to wean off of.
2) The doctor wouldn't allow me to be on any type of antidepressant for the first trimester and I'd have to slowly wean off of it as it has addictive properties and I'm looking at very likely having back withdrawal symptoms - so we're looking at close to 6 months if the withdrawal symptoms are too aggressive.
3) I haven't given it enough time. (This one I'm not sure how I feel about - either I've gotten REALLY good at suppressing the emotions or I really am doing better and they need to realize that everyone heals at a different pace.
4) I need to get through all the firsts before considering trying. (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother's Day, her angelversary, etc)
When I tried to explain that part of our decision stemmed from the fact that I have SEVERE endometriosis that could lead to infertility, my therapist half laughed and stated that if she'd ever received that kind of report, she'd have been having her eggs frozen for later use. Um...yeah, but that costs a good chunk of change that most all insurances do no cover.
I came home after the appointment and scooped up Kamden. I didn't want to let him go, and I feel so bad as I cried into his hair and he repeatedly apologized to me thinking he had "hurt my heart". I grabbed Kaidi's blankets at bedtime and rolled them up into a bundle about the size she was when she was born, cradled it in one elbow and wrapped my other arm around Kamden to sleep it off.
I do know I don't want to go into a pregnancy when I'm not ready, and that one day I will likely look back at this day and appointment and be thankful, but it feels like (right now) that it has put me right back at the depression and anxiety I had within days of the funeral.
The fact remains though that I don't want to risk hurting an unborn child, so if waiting is what I have to do, then waiting is what I will do...even if i hate it and even if it hurts like losing her all over again.
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