Dear God, it hurts!

I'm trying so hard to just deal with life...  take it as it comes... stay busy... help others to make up for not being able to help her...  It takes just one moment, one smell, one sound, one look and I'm right back where I started.  I'm so tired...mentally and emotionally more than anything.  I want it to all be a dream, but I know it's not.   I continue to see life go on around me while I feel like I'm standing still.  I know I'm making progress somehow and someway, but it feels like life is on pause and I've lost the remote.  A week from Thursday will have been 4 months...4 months!  122 days that have passed and I feel like I'm still lying in the delivery room cherishing the handful of minutes I was holding her alive.

At one time I was comforted that I never saw her eyes.  Afraid that I would have seen pain there.  Now it haunts me.  I'll never know her eyes.

Comments

  1. HillarySeptember 21, 2011 at 8:10 AM

    I'm so sorry that its been so rough on you lately. I promise that it will get better again (before it gets worse once again). Soon you'll see that the good stretches of time last longer than the bad ones until they are almost gone. I don't know that these hard times will ever go away for moms like us but speaking from my perspective of being almost a year out from loosing Caroline its gotten better! Please don't loose the hope that you will be better sometime in the future. It really does take time to reach more of a "healed" feeling.

    Lots of love and prayers for you today!

    xoxox

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