What An Ugly Heart

Earlier tonight, I was reading through recent blog posts of bloggers that I follow and my favorite blogger EVER (Tiffany - from http://hugelove.blogspot.com) had a new post called "How Deep Is Your Beauty?"  Her posts always touch a place deep inside me, so I know it's a God-pointment that I've come across her and been able to start cultivating a friendship with her.

This particular post, however,  rang true in a not so positive way for me.  This part in particular:

1 Peter 3:3-4, 9 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God…To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

I was the OPPOSITE of all of those attributes for most of my life. I used to speak harshly about others, I had ZERO compassion, I was angered easily, offended easily, I was vindictive if someone hurt me or someone I loved, I gave insults freely and was extremely critical of everyone and everything. And I cursed more than a truck driver.

Since Kaidance's passing, I've increasingly found myself more full of those "ugly attributes" than I care to admit to or think about.  I find myself much less tolerant of people and their "complaints", which may be legitimate concerns to them, but I find where I used to want to help, I can't be bothered with it now.  My compassion level, with the exception of where it is directed toward others in the same boat, is EXTREMELY low.  I'm easily angered.  In fact, I have a shorter fuse than I've ever known was possible for me to have.  I tend to take things VERY personally and immediately want to lash out or "take care of" situations and people that I feel have done something personally to either myself or those I love.  Ashamedly I will even admit to catching myself cursing - something that if you know me in person, you know I do NOT do.

I know that some people would say, "But it's okay.  You're in a place that most people never have to be and can't understand.  You're going to be angry and 'not yourself' in other ways and people just need to understand that."  Well, yes, I can be angry - about the loss.  But just because I have had a loss, it doesn't mean that I have a free pass to be harsh and unfeeling toward others.  It doesn't give me a right to take every thing said by others as a personal attack or insensitivity.  I cannot expect others to stop having joy and living their lives just because there was a hiccup in my own.

So, what do I think caused my 165 degree turn (I refuse to believe I've done a 180...)?  I have continued to be angry with God and be in denial about it not only when I talk to God, but when I talk to myself.  I know it's okay to be angry with Him.  I know He can handle my anger.  But I also know that He cannot help me heal and deal with my anger if I'm not honest about it.  My anger has begun to consume me and turn me into an ugly creature that I do not recognize.


I've made sure to make the outside appear okay.  I've gone on with my new understanding and version of "life" but I'm not really living.  I do what I feel like I have to in order to keep going.

1.  I work. 
2. I look for more work.
3. I start volunteering for more programs to fill my time.
4. I take on more work at church.
5. I paint on a "pretty face" full of makeup hoping it covers the puffy eyes, circles under my eyes and the tiredness that is always there because I keep pushing to ignore the pain and push it away.
6. I smile and say, "I'm doing okay" when inside my heart is shattering because I feel like I need to keep them from being uncomfortable.  In short -  I LIE.

And under it all, I'm angry.  All the time.  Anger fuels more of what I do than anything else.  And I hate what I've become.

1. I've become neglectful of my own home in some ways but will bend over backwards to care for someone else's.
2. I play games online to "escape" and in turn wind up neglecting my husband and precious son.  How much longer will he crawl up beside me and beg me to read books to him or just "nuggle"?
3. Money gets wasted on fast food because I feel like I can't bring myself to cook a meal for my family.  
4. I have little to no personal relationship with God anymore.  I go to church and occasionally talk to Him when I'm at home, but I don't have RELATIONSHIP.  

Something's gotta change.