Half a year

Dear Kaidi,

I remember when I was younger and would hear that something was 6 months away or 6 months ago that it seemed like such and unbelievably LONG time.  Well, exactly 6 months and 18 minutes ago, you were born, and it seems like a week ago.  

Do you know that by now, you'd be cutting teeth, trying to crawl or having us chase you as you crawled your way to independence and be rolling all over the place?  Of course you don't know that...  Where you are, you're already running, dancing, leaping and skipping all over the place.  You know no pain, and while I thank God for that, my heart still holds an enormous hole.  I miss you so much and I still carry the guilt with me every moment that I wasn't able to save you.  

I know that your story is touching the lives of people I could have never imagined it would, and that definitely helps ease the pain...but I'm still so mad.  I don't want to be mad, and I know you wouldn't want me to be, but I can't help it.  It isn't right that for Christmas, I have to take your first gift to your grave site...  I haven't even taken flowers out to you because I was afraid it would make it all too real.  The only person I am kidding is myself but not considering it "REAL" now.  

I went into Hobby Lobby today for craft supplies for Kaidi's Kreations...  I promise you, sweetie, every woman in the store had a baby between 4 and 6 months old.  I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin.  I held it together until I made it to the car and then I sat and cried.  Granted, my cry wasn't just over missing you...there has been a lot happening...but you already know that, right?  Thankfully, your Grammy was with me and waited with me until I was calm again.  

I'm ashamed to admit it to you, baby girl, but I've not truly prayed since you went to be with Jesus.  I'm so mad that I can't bring myself to talk to God.  The closest I get is to lay in bed or on the altar and groan.  I have no words.  I don't even read my bible.  It makes me angrier to see God's promises and hear about how He is the healer and can raise the dead and did neither for you.  

I thought I was getting better, but sweetie, I'm not.  I know one day it will hurt less, but every day that it doesn't, I get more and more angry.  The only thing that makes it hurt less is the medicine they gave me.  I hate being medicated all the time because I know at some point I'm going to have to come off of all of those medications and it will be horribly hard...but I'm grateful that I can at least numb the searing pain I feel without you in my arms.  

It's about 17 minutes until your angelversary...  It's been 6 months.  184 days.  4,416 hours.  264,960 minutes.  And every single one of them feels like eternity.  Wait for me, my angel.  We'll be with you soon.

I'll love you forever,

Mommy