Finding A Reason
I never in my wildest dreams thought that a mere 5 months after having lost sweet Kaidi that I would start to see part of the reason behind the "why?" that has plagued me since first finding out that something was potentially wrong with her.
Two days ago, a family that I have been friends with for literally as long as I can remember lost their youngest daughter in a tragic car accident. The entire family, but especially the mother, have been such a huge support, not only with prayers, but with hugs, listening ears, and tears shed silently when there were no words to be spoken. As soon as I got the call from my dad about their daughter, something inside me literally felt like it was on fire. As much as I'd never wanted to say to another mom, "I know how you feel right now" I wanted, no, I needed to be there with her. I needed to hold her like she'd held me, even if it was to say nothing. Even if all I could do was cry with her.
You see, not only does pregnancy IMMEDIATELY give you a connection to ALL other mothers, old, young, new or veteran, but it also gives you an understanding of exactly the kind of love that they have for that child. It doesn't matter if that child is a parent already, school-aged, toddler, infant, or unborn, there is a physical tie mother to child but there is a much stronger heart bond that is created the moment of conception. It's the one thing that makes me feel like women get just a little bit better understanding of what God is like. The love that he has for his children, you and me, we get a taste of when we find out we are going to be mothers. We know that we would and will do anything in our power to make sure that our children are taken care of, loved, cherished, lovingly directed, protected and have their physical, spiritual, emotional and mental needs met. Regardless of the age of that child, the parent has hopes and dreams for them. They love fiercely and without reservation. No matter how angry their child may make them, they still love them.
In that same vein, when a child is lost, regardless of age, it is not just the child who dies. Part of the mother dies as well. (PLEASE note that I am NOT in any way discounting the loss the father also endures and the severity of it all. I can only speak from a mother's point of view and from my own experiences.) A mother's bond with and love for her child begins the MOMENT she sees the second line appear on a home pregnancy test. She may be scared or unsure of her own future and even more so if her child were not planned, but she does love and connect with that child. For the next 10 months, she carries, nurtures and is one with that child. (Ever wanted a good example of how God and Jesus are one in the same? Consider a mother carrying her unborn child. Two separate entities encased in one body. But, I digress...) It doesn't matter if that child makes it only weeks in its mother's body, months, or makes it to birth and many, many years beyond, the bond that begins at conception NEVER GOES AWAY. If that child is taken by way of disease, accident, tragedy, or any other means, part of the mother dies as well.
There may come a point in time where the absence of the child becomes tolerable, but the pain never dies. There is forever a part of that mother that is gone. Part of the heart and soul of that mother is taken when the child dies. It's a feeling you'd never wish on your vilest of enemies, but as soon as you ever hear of another mother losing their child, your heart bleeds with them. Your soul rips apart for them. You want to help, because you know. YOU KNOW. Plenty of people can say that they "can imagine" or "they understand your hurting" but they don't KNOW.
My heart shattered and all the memories of Kaidance's death, the time in the funeral home, her funeral and the days and weeks following flashed through my mind before my dad had even finished telling me what happened. I begged him to come pick me up and told him I couldn't explain it but I HAD to see her mom. Thankfully, he did just that. Not only that, but Jeff was able to get out of a day of work at the armory to go with us and said his heart broke equally for her father.
When I finally got the chance to see her mother, I didn't say anything but her name as I took her into my arms and cradled her like I had cradled my precious daughter. Through her moans and anguish, I heard her say, "My God, now I understand, Tara.... I understand..." My heart broke with her as I told her how sorry I was...I told her that I couldn't fully understand because I hadn't had 20 years to cultivate a relationship with my daughter, but I knew that no matter what, that was HER BABY...and I did know what it was to lose your baby.
Immediately after, we went out to the cemetery. I didn't know why, but I felt I needed to be near Kaidi's body. When we got there, her stone had been set. The dam broke again. I clung to Jeff with every ounce of strength I had and I relived those moments again, and for a split second, I physically and spiritually felt every ounce of pain that my dear friend was going through.
Why did HER daughter have to be the one in the accident? Why didn't the accident just bang her up and leave her waiting to go home from the hospital instead of ending her life instantly and shattering the lives of her family? I don't know. I may never, and it's not my place to know. It's not my place to question God.
Why did Kaidi die? Well, I don't know that answer in full...but Jeff and I have confirmed through statements made a different times to one other that God was speaking the same thing to our hearts. Part of the reason that she had to die even before her life began was so that Jeff and I would be able to understand and minister to other parents who are suffering the same pain we did. To some that may not be a "good enough answer", but at the beginning of knowing Kaidi might not make it, I distinctly remember telling Jeff, "If her short life and her death were to help even ONE person.... I'd know it wasn't for nothing and it would prove to me it was no form of cruelty or punishment."
Thank you God, for revealing your answers...even if it's through the hardest and most unconventional of means.
Two days ago, a family that I have been friends with for literally as long as I can remember lost their youngest daughter in a tragic car accident. The entire family, but especially the mother, have been such a huge support, not only with prayers, but with hugs, listening ears, and tears shed silently when there were no words to be spoken. As soon as I got the call from my dad about their daughter, something inside me literally felt like it was on fire. As much as I'd never wanted to say to another mom, "I know how you feel right now" I wanted, no, I needed to be there with her. I needed to hold her like she'd held me, even if it was to say nothing. Even if all I could do was cry with her.
You see, not only does pregnancy IMMEDIATELY give you a connection to ALL other mothers, old, young, new or veteran, but it also gives you an understanding of exactly the kind of love that they have for that child. It doesn't matter if that child is a parent already, school-aged, toddler, infant, or unborn, there is a physical tie mother to child but there is a much stronger heart bond that is created the moment of conception. It's the one thing that makes me feel like women get just a little bit better understanding of what God is like. The love that he has for his children, you and me, we get a taste of when we find out we are going to be mothers. We know that we would and will do anything in our power to make sure that our children are taken care of, loved, cherished, lovingly directed, protected and have their physical, spiritual, emotional and mental needs met. Regardless of the age of that child, the parent has hopes and dreams for them. They love fiercely and without reservation. No matter how angry their child may make them, they still love them.
In that same vein, when a child is lost, regardless of age, it is not just the child who dies. Part of the mother dies as well. (PLEASE note that I am NOT in any way discounting the loss the father also endures and the severity of it all. I can only speak from a mother's point of view and from my own experiences.) A mother's bond with and love for her child begins the MOMENT she sees the second line appear on a home pregnancy test. She may be scared or unsure of her own future and even more so if her child were not planned, but she does love and connect with that child. For the next 10 months, she carries, nurtures and is one with that child. (Ever wanted a good example of how God and Jesus are one in the same? Consider a mother carrying her unborn child. Two separate entities encased in one body. But, I digress...) It doesn't matter if that child makes it only weeks in its mother's body, months, or makes it to birth and many, many years beyond, the bond that begins at conception NEVER GOES AWAY. If that child is taken by way of disease, accident, tragedy, or any other means, part of the mother dies as well.
There may come a point in time where the absence of the child becomes tolerable, but the pain never dies. There is forever a part of that mother that is gone. Part of the heart and soul of that mother is taken when the child dies. It's a feeling you'd never wish on your vilest of enemies, but as soon as you ever hear of another mother losing their child, your heart bleeds with them. Your soul rips apart for them. You want to help, because you know. YOU KNOW. Plenty of people can say that they "can imagine" or "they understand your hurting" but they don't KNOW.
My heart shattered and all the memories of Kaidance's death, the time in the funeral home, her funeral and the days and weeks following flashed through my mind before my dad had even finished telling me what happened. I begged him to come pick me up and told him I couldn't explain it but I HAD to see her mom. Thankfully, he did just that. Not only that, but Jeff was able to get out of a day of work at the armory to go with us and said his heart broke equally for her father.
When I finally got the chance to see her mother, I didn't say anything but her name as I took her into my arms and cradled her like I had cradled my precious daughter. Through her moans and anguish, I heard her say, "My God, now I understand, Tara.... I understand..." My heart broke with her as I told her how sorry I was...I told her that I couldn't fully understand because I hadn't had 20 years to cultivate a relationship with my daughter, but I knew that no matter what, that was HER BABY...and I did know what it was to lose your baby.
Immediately after, we went out to the cemetery. I didn't know why, but I felt I needed to be near Kaidi's body. When we got there, her stone had been set. The dam broke again. I clung to Jeff with every ounce of strength I had and I relived those moments again, and for a split second, I physically and spiritually felt every ounce of pain that my dear friend was going through.
Why did HER daughter have to be the one in the accident? Why didn't the accident just bang her up and leave her waiting to go home from the hospital instead of ending her life instantly and shattering the lives of her family? I don't know. I may never, and it's not my place to know. It's not my place to question God.
Why did Kaidi die? Well, I don't know that answer in full...but Jeff and I have confirmed through statements made a different times to one other that God was speaking the same thing to our hearts. Part of the reason that she had to die even before her life began was so that Jeff and I would be able to understand and minister to other parents who are suffering the same pain we did. To some that may not be a "good enough answer", but at the beginning of knowing Kaidi might not make it, I distinctly remember telling Jeff, "If her short life and her death were to help even ONE person.... I'd know it wasn't for nothing and it would prove to me it was no form of cruelty or punishment."
Thank you God, for revealing your answers...even if it's through the hardest and most unconventional of means.
Prayer for your friend this morning!
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