15 months is such a long time

I know in the grand scheme of things that 15 months is little more than a blip on the radar, but in Tara-time, it's an ETERNITY.  As of now, 15 months is the approximate amount of time I have been told I need to wait in order to start trying for another baby.  My heart is broken, but at the same time, I know there are truths in the reasons that I've been given.

The first reason of course is time.  Ah the cliche' statements just flow through my brain - "Time heals all wounds" (Bull, it makes them more bearable but it doesn't HEAL them), "Just give it some time, it gets better" (well, at this point, all I HAVE on my hands is time and it doesn't seem to be doing much for me, TYVM!) "Get through all the 'firsts' and then it's a bit easier" (Um every day would have been a FIRST with a girl in my life...so I get regarding the holidays and things like that but expecting the "firsts" to end is crap.)

The second is probably the most believable to me.  The hormonal changes in a pregnancy could cause me to relapse into an even worse depression and put the pregnancy at risk.  The psychiatrist that I see for depression (pre-existing even to the loss of Kaidi) and PTSD does not allow any antidepressant medications to be taken in the first trimester of pregnancy, so I would HAVE to be off of all meds of that nature before getting pregnant and be in a calm, good place mentally and physically so as not to have a horrible time of it during that first 13 weeks.  Regardless of what he would or wouldn't allow, I do not want to have any kind of chemical medication going into my body during any future pregnancies.  Finding out that my current med may have had something to do with Kamden's AND Kaidi's brain anomalies, I'm not risking it.  The ONLY medicine I would continue to take that's a "chemical compound" would be my insulin injections, and that's because my life depends on it.  That being said, they don't want to start weaning me off of medications too soon because I could relapse and have an even worse depression hit and have to go back on the medications anyway and start from scratch.  Not cool.

So now the question becomes, what do I do with that 452 ish days?  I have a few things in mind and I know I mentioned some in a previous post (and I do apologize that this is somewhat a repeat of that post, but it's more coherent and thought out so I hope it makes more sense and keeps me more accountable.)  I've come up with a list of "busy work" and a list of "goals" for that time frame to keep me working toward positive things so that I can see the successes and feel good about myself.  That's the plan anyway.

(I'll put a label for each of these things as well so that if you want to follow a specific goal or "busy" thing, you can do so)

Keeping Busy
1) Continue to work at the church (cleaning, working with the kids, helping with music, announcements, mailings and website)
2) Continue to expand the cleaning business (As Unto Him) and hopefully have to hire on someone part time to help with the load.
3) Get Kaidi's Kreations projects going again.
4) Make most of our Christmas gifts rather than buying them.
5) I start schooling through Stratford Career Institute next week for my Associates of Psychology/Social Work
6) Start homeschool with Kamden
7) Volunteer for March of Dimes and with our local MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) Chapter

Goals
1) Train for and complete the 5K for the March of Dimes in April.
2) Lose 5lbs a month (You can follow that progress in this blog which specifically is tracking my diabetic health and weight loss goals.)
3) Get our home organized and downsized materially.
4) Have $3,000 in savings.
5) Pay off the majority of our debt (I'm not sure ALL can be paid off in that amount of time but I'll take as much as I can get!)
6) Have new phones! (Hey, it's the little things.)
7) Have a better grasp of couponing and be maximizing my savings.
8) Eat. At. Home.  'Nuff said.

I know this post is more for me than for others, but I want to share all parts of my journey - even the mundane.

God bless and much love from our family to yours!