Are we there yet? Are we there yet?.
I find myself asking this about a lot of areas of our lives. Are we "normal" yet? Are we past the bad days yet? Are we starting to move on yet? Are we THERE yet? And I'm starting to get a few answers. I'm also starting to find out things regarding the "why" of it all and about myself that I was NOT expecting...
For instance...
I'm sorta ready for another baby. Don't get me wrong. I still have really tough days with regard to not having Kaidi here with us and I know that another baby will in NO way replace Kaidi, nor do I want it to. God has been doing a lot of working on me in a lot of different areas and I'm starting to see the "why" behind what we have had to go through with the diagnosis, waiting it out, and eventual loss of Kaidi.
I want to preface this by saying that I do NOT think that God caused Kaidi's condition. I believe fully that we live in a fallen world and that there are many things that we go through that are life and only that. I do, however, believe that God allowed me and my family to go through this tragedy in order to open our eyes to MANY different things. While I can't speak for my family, this is the outlet where I can speak for myself and I wanted to share with you what He has been showing me. I know everyone's situation is unique and different and that for many, they will not know the "why" until they reach heaven, but I do hope that my sharing these things with you, especially if you are going through a similar situation or have gone through a similar situation, will give you hope that there IS a reason, that God is not cruelly sitting back and just laughing at your pain and your anguish (because believe me, I thought that was exactly what He was doing for a good long while after we lost her), and that you WILL make it.
1. This whole ordeal gave me a huge wake up call regarding my own health. While I was reassured time and time again that nothing I had done or not done led to Kaidance's condition, I still had a "fire lit under my butt" in that I didn't want there to be a snowball's chance in Texas of that ever happening. With my situation, diabetes is the biggest concern. It's a huge concern through the entire pregnancy, but can be most threatening to a developing fetus in the first 5 weeks of life. During the time that the brain and spinal cord begin forming, uncontrolled blood sugar levels can cause any number of problems - but most predominately spina biffida. Being diabetic automatically raises your odds of this occurring exponentially, but keeping a tight rein on blood sugar levels can make a HUGE difference. I've been working on WANTING to take care of myself as I remained in complete denial about my diabetes for 4 years. I can't change the past, but I CAN work on the present and change the future and am working hard to do so. If you want to follow THAT journey more specifically, you can do so here. It, too, pertains to this journey as I have a set goal for my HA1C level before we start trying to conceive again.
2. Having faith doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. What it means is that I have to trust God, no matter what, and believe that even if the answer was "No" here, that it was still "Yes" for eternity. I wanted my daughter to be healed. There was no possible way that could happen here on Earth. I know that now, even though it's still hard to accept. God has given doctors and specialists knowledge beyond what anyone would have been able to imagine even 10 years ago, but the fact remains that even with all that knowledge, they cannot take the place of the hand of God.
I think I lost sight of that in all of the chaos after finding out "something was wrong". In my mind, if we could just get her here alive, we'd do the fetal dialysis and anything else it took to keep her alive until we got a kidney donor. Then I was told that her lungs would have to be in good enough condition to work completely on their own in order for her to even be a candidate for dialysis. Again, while I did pray, my thoughts turned to all of our medical advancements. She could be on assisted breathing until her lungs were strong enough, flexible enough, to sustain her life. She'd be fine because medically they could do anything for her. What it took was hearing a God-fearing, top of her field specialist say, "If I thought that your baby stood ANY chance for survival, I'd tell you to drop everything and move here (Dallas) to be monitored and allow her to have the best care. But what I am telling you is to go home, be around people who love and will support you and cherish the time with your son. Let him get you through it. I believe in miracles and I hope that you have one, but I'm telling you to not come here."
It broke me and it made me incredibly angry with God. If He were any kind of a loving God like I'd been taught all my life, he wouldn't have allowed this to happen. Not to ME. Well, now I see that BECAUSE He loves me, he allowed it to happen. He allowed me to go through the worst possible pain I could ever imagine because, I believe He knew what I didn't and that was that I WAS strong enough to go through it, and now I want to turn around and do whatever I can to help other parents who are going through or have gone through the same thing. It doesn't matter if the loss was due to Potters or not. I have a fire inside me to minister to mothers who have lost a child. To be there to listen, let them scream, cry, laugh, hug them, pray with and for them...to do whatever it takes to help them see that there is daylight past the storm and that however long it takes to travel through that storm that they have SOMEONE there to hold the umbrella for them.
It has also increased my faith in ways that I could never have imagined it would. I used to flippantly quote Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Now, when I say those words, it's with an entirely new conviction. I went through and am surviving the worst thing I can ever imagine happening to me, and I know that the ONLY way it's happening is through HIM who gives me strength. When I say those words now, they are REAL. They have become an actual PART of me.
3. It has taught me to value the little things. When I'm beyond tired, have deadlines to meet, a to do list a mile long and my son wants to snuggle or brings me a book to read, I want to make sure I am willing to drop EVERYTHING to be there for him. Granted, more times than I like to think about right now I tell him to "wait a minute" or tell him "Mommy is busy", but I'm making a promise to myself and to you who read that it will change. I know that all too soon, he won't ask for me to do those things as often if at all. Too soon he'll be "too old" to snuggle and I don't want to be living with regret that I didn't spend that time with him, nor do I want him to feel at ANY point in his life that I was too busy for him.
Before we got married and at the very beginning of our marriage, Jeff and I used to talk for HOURS. For a good potion of the time we were dating/engaged we were in a long-distance relationship and had to rely on good communication to keep the relationship alive. Now, 5 years, 2 children and 1 deployment later, we don't talk as much. I don't know if it's that we are comfortable with one another to the point that we are TOO comfortable or if we just spread ourselves too thin. Jeff is taking 15 hours in college right now and I am starting to work more outside the home with my house cleaning business and it just is turning into longer periods of time between when we have those heart to heart talks. Granted, it's hard to have talks like that with a lively three-year-old who wants desperately to contribute to the conversation, so that too is something that we need to work on. Thankfully we've been lucky and the loss of our daughter has driven us closer together rather than apart from one another, but I don't ever want to lose the best friend relationship we started our lives together having. For our anniversary last month, we went on one of only five "dates" we've had since Kamden was born. I know that we need to have those more often, not only for our own good, but for the good of our family. I want Kamden to see that we love each other enough to set aside that special time for just the two of us so that we can stay strong as a family unit.
I'm sure I could go on for another several paragraphs, but I won't. In fact, I commend any who have read through this entire, rambling post.
For those who might have skipped through to the end, here it is in a nutshell.
"He's still workin' on me, to make me what I oughta be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars, but how lovely and patient He must be, because He's still working on me."
For instance...
I'm sorta ready for another baby. Don't get me wrong. I still have really tough days with regard to not having Kaidi here with us and I know that another baby will in NO way replace Kaidi, nor do I want it to. God has been doing a lot of working on me in a lot of different areas and I'm starting to see the "why" behind what we have had to go through with the diagnosis, waiting it out, and eventual loss of Kaidi.
I want to preface this by saying that I do NOT think that God caused Kaidi's condition. I believe fully that we live in a fallen world and that there are many things that we go through that are life and only that. I do, however, believe that God allowed me and my family to go through this tragedy in order to open our eyes to MANY different things. While I can't speak for my family, this is the outlet where I can speak for myself and I wanted to share with you what He has been showing me. I know everyone's situation is unique and different and that for many, they will not know the "why" until they reach heaven, but I do hope that my sharing these things with you, especially if you are going through a similar situation or have gone through a similar situation, will give you hope that there IS a reason, that God is not cruelly sitting back and just laughing at your pain and your anguish (because believe me, I thought that was exactly what He was doing for a good long while after we lost her), and that you WILL make it.
1. This whole ordeal gave me a huge wake up call regarding my own health. While I was reassured time and time again that nothing I had done or not done led to Kaidance's condition, I still had a "fire lit under my butt" in that I didn't want there to be a snowball's chance in Texas of that ever happening. With my situation, diabetes is the biggest concern. It's a huge concern through the entire pregnancy, but can be most threatening to a developing fetus in the first 5 weeks of life. During the time that the brain and spinal cord begin forming, uncontrolled blood sugar levels can cause any number of problems - but most predominately spina biffida. Being diabetic automatically raises your odds of this occurring exponentially, but keeping a tight rein on blood sugar levels can make a HUGE difference. I've been working on WANTING to take care of myself as I remained in complete denial about my diabetes for 4 years. I can't change the past, but I CAN work on the present and change the future and am working hard to do so. If you want to follow THAT journey more specifically, you can do so here. It, too, pertains to this journey as I have a set goal for my HA1C level before we start trying to conceive again.
2. Having faith doesn't mean I'm going to get what I want. What it means is that I have to trust God, no matter what, and believe that even if the answer was "No" here, that it was still "Yes" for eternity. I wanted my daughter to be healed. There was no possible way that could happen here on Earth. I know that now, even though it's still hard to accept. God has given doctors and specialists knowledge beyond what anyone would have been able to imagine even 10 years ago, but the fact remains that even with all that knowledge, they cannot take the place of the hand of God.
I think I lost sight of that in all of the chaos after finding out "something was wrong". In my mind, if we could just get her here alive, we'd do the fetal dialysis and anything else it took to keep her alive until we got a kidney donor. Then I was told that her lungs would have to be in good enough condition to work completely on their own in order for her to even be a candidate for dialysis. Again, while I did pray, my thoughts turned to all of our medical advancements. She could be on assisted breathing until her lungs were strong enough, flexible enough, to sustain her life. She'd be fine because medically they could do anything for her. What it took was hearing a God-fearing, top of her field specialist say, "If I thought that your baby stood ANY chance for survival, I'd tell you to drop everything and move here (Dallas) to be monitored and allow her to have the best care. But what I am telling you is to go home, be around people who love and will support you and cherish the time with your son. Let him get you through it. I believe in miracles and I hope that you have one, but I'm telling you to not come here."
It broke me and it made me incredibly angry with God. If He were any kind of a loving God like I'd been taught all my life, he wouldn't have allowed this to happen. Not to ME. Well, now I see that BECAUSE He loves me, he allowed it to happen. He allowed me to go through the worst possible pain I could ever imagine because, I believe He knew what I didn't and that was that I WAS strong enough to go through it, and now I want to turn around and do whatever I can to help other parents who are going through or have gone through the same thing. It doesn't matter if the loss was due to Potters or not. I have a fire inside me to minister to mothers who have lost a child. To be there to listen, let them scream, cry, laugh, hug them, pray with and for them...to do whatever it takes to help them see that there is daylight past the storm and that however long it takes to travel through that storm that they have SOMEONE there to hold the umbrella for them.
It has also increased my faith in ways that I could never have imagined it would. I used to flippantly quote Philippians 4:13, "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Now, when I say those words, it's with an entirely new conviction. I went through and am surviving the worst thing I can ever imagine happening to me, and I know that the ONLY way it's happening is through HIM who gives me strength. When I say those words now, they are REAL. They have become an actual PART of me.
3. It has taught me to value the little things. When I'm beyond tired, have deadlines to meet, a to do list a mile long and my son wants to snuggle or brings me a book to read, I want to make sure I am willing to drop EVERYTHING to be there for him. Granted, more times than I like to think about right now I tell him to "wait a minute" or tell him "Mommy is busy", but I'm making a promise to myself and to you who read that it will change. I know that all too soon, he won't ask for me to do those things as often if at all. Too soon he'll be "too old" to snuggle and I don't want to be living with regret that I didn't spend that time with him, nor do I want him to feel at ANY point in his life that I was too busy for him.
Before we got married and at the very beginning of our marriage, Jeff and I used to talk for HOURS. For a good potion of the time we were dating/engaged we were in a long-distance relationship and had to rely on good communication to keep the relationship alive. Now, 5 years, 2 children and 1 deployment later, we don't talk as much. I don't know if it's that we are comfortable with one another to the point that we are TOO comfortable or if we just spread ourselves too thin. Jeff is taking 15 hours in college right now and I am starting to work more outside the home with my house cleaning business and it just is turning into longer periods of time between when we have those heart to heart talks. Granted, it's hard to have talks like that with a lively three-year-old who wants desperately to contribute to the conversation, so that too is something that we need to work on. Thankfully we've been lucky and the loss of our daughter has driven us closer together rather than apart from one another, but I don't ever want to lose the best friend relationship we started our lives together having. For our anniversary last month, we went on one of only five "dates" we've had since Kamden was born. I know that we need to have those more often, not only for our own good, but for the good of our family. I want Kamden to see that we love each other enough to set aside that special time for just the two of us so that we can stay strong as a family unit.
I'm sure I could go on for another several paragraphs, but I won't. In fact, I commend any who have read through this entire, rambling post.
For those who might have skipped through to the end, here it is in a nutshell.
"He's still workin' on me, to make me what I oughta be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars, the sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars, but how lovely and patient He must be, because He's still working on me."
Beautiful. Well said, glad you are healing!
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