Oh Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say...
I'm not writing this post to make anyone feel bad, nor do I want sympathy. I just want to make everyone more aware of what you say and how you say it.
I went to get my nails done yesterday. I've been trying to do something to pamper myself so that I feel more human - feel alive, at least on the outside, when the inside feels so dead. I don't ever have a "regular" nail person when I go to my salon, so I just took whoever was available as the day was very busy. She commented on how much my nails had grown since I was last in (about two weeks) and I smiled and said, "Yeah, it seems like since I've had babies they grow much faster than they used to." She asked me how old my babies were and I told her I had a son, Kamden, who had just turned 3 and that I had a daughter who died in May that would have been 3 months old now. She gave me her condolences, shaking her head while she worked on my nails, then she asked me what happened and why my daughter had died. I started telling her about Potters Syndrome in as basic of terms as I could, and when I told her she was born without kidneys, she looked up at me and said, "Why she not have kidneys? You take medicine you should not have while pregnant?"
My heart sank through my feet into the floor. Here I've been hearing all the birth defect lawsuits that are coming out toward my antidepressant's company and what I first thought I should say was, "Honestly? I don't know." Instead I told her that no, that wasn't it and that Potters was a 1:16K births chance of happening, etc. She continued to shake her head. I could tell she was trying to process it all because she asked me several times if I had known through my pregnancy that she wouldn't live. I told her each time that yes, we had, but we were always hopeful that maybe it would end differently than they were all saying. Then she floored me. She furrowed her brows, still trying to make sense of it all, and said, "Are you SURE you didn't do anything?"
Long story short, I held it together until much later that night and instead talked to her about how lucky we'd been to get the 40 minutes we had with her, how beautiful she'd been, etc. When I got to my parents' house and my dad told me that we had to find a way to get Kaidi a SSN for death certificate purposes, I started to lose it. When he asked me if I was okay, and I repeated the questions I'd been asked, I crumpled to the floor. It left me in a state that made me sleep from midnight last night to 4pm today. While I know that initially her question was stated only with ignorance of the situation, it ended with ripping open a would that was beginning, in however small of a way, to heal.
This being said, I wanted to share a few things that are, at least in my mind, some definite DO's and DON'Ts when it comes to talking to a parent who has lost a child.
DO talk about the child. Use his/her name. It's hard enough to not physically have them in your life, but when it feels like people ignore the fact that they even happened (whether or not that is truly the case) it is like losing them all over again. Yes, hearing their name or talking about them may hurt some, but it's also healing and after a time is something that you find joy in because you are their parent. You want to share them with the world just as you would any living child.
DO offer to listen, even if the person isn't ready to talk. If they aren't ready to talk, talk to them about OTHER things. Whatever you do DON'T just "leave them be". Yes, people need space and time to work through grief but the worst thing that can happen is feel like you are alone in an already horrible and lonely time.
DON'T say "I know how you feel" or "I understand how you feel" unless you have PERSONALLY lost a child at about the same age. I am NOT AT ALL discounting the pain and agony that goes along with a miscarriage early in pregnancy, but it's not the same as having had to deliver a child that has either passed away while inside you or shortly after delivering them. To be totally frank and honest, saying one of the above when you haven't "been there, done that" is horribly insulting and makes it hard to take anything you say about caring seriously.
DON'T assume because someone is having a bad day or makes a flippant comment about "wanting it to all be over" or something similar that they are suicidal. The waves of emotion and the way it hits and the things that can trigger it all are SO random that I know I have found myself saying and admitting to things I never would have otherwise. When the feelings blindside you, everything else seems to short circuit.
I'm sure there are plenty more that I may add at a later point in time, but I felt like I needed to share these things as soon as I could. I know that there's been many a time that I didn't think before I spoke to someone and even just due to not understanding, I realize now that I could have ripped their heart out and not known it.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
I went to get my nails done yesterday. I've been trying to do something to pamper myself so that I feel more human - feel alive, at least on the outside, when the inside feels so dead. I don't ever have a "regular" nail person when I go to my salon, so I just took whoever was available as the day was very busy. She commented on how much my nails had grown since I was last in (about two weeks) and I smiled and said, "Yeah, it seems like since I've had babies they grow much faster than they used to." She asked me how old my babies were and I told her I had a son, Kamden, who had just turned 3 and that I had a daughter who died in May that would have been 3 months old now. She gave me her condolences, shaking her head while she worked on my nails, then she asked me what happened and why my daughter had died. I started telling her about Potters Syndrome in as basic of terms as I could, and when I told her she was born without kidneys, she looked up at me and said, "Why she not have kidneys? You take medicine you should not have while pregnant?"
My heart sank through my feet into the floor. Here I've been hearing all the birth defect lawsuits that are coming out toward my antidepressant's company and what I first thought I should say was, "Honestly? I don't know." Instead I told her that no, that wasn't it and that Potters was a 1:16K births chance of happening, etc. She continued to shake her head. I could tell she was trying to process it all because she asked me several times if I had known through my pregnancy that she wouldn't live. I told her each time that yes, we had, but we were always hopeful that maybe it would end differently than they were all saying. Then she floored me. She furrowed her brows, still trying to make sense of it all, and said, "Are you SURE you didn't do anything?"
Long story short, I held it together until much later that night and instead talked to her about how lucky we'd been to get the 40 minutes we had with her, how beautiful she'd been, etc. When I got to my parents' house and my dad told me that we had to find a way to get Kaidi a SSN for death certificate purposes, I started to lose it. When he asked me if I was okay, and I repeated the questions I'd been asked, I crumpled to the floor. It left me in a state that made me sleep from midnight last night to 4pm today. While I know that initially her question was stated only with ignorance of the situation, it ended with ripping open a would that was beginning, in however small of a way, to heal.
This being said, I wanted to share a few things that are, at least in my mind, some definite DO's and DON'Ts when it comes to talking to a parent who has lost a child.
DO talk about the child. Use his/her name. It's hard enough to not physically have them in your life, but when it feels like people ignore the fact that they even happened (whether or not that is truly the case) it is like losing them all over again. Yes, hearing their name or talking about them may hurt some, but it's also healing and after a time is something that you find joy in because you are their parent. You want to share them with the world just as you would any living child.
DO offer to listen, even if the person isn't ready to talk. If they aren't ready to talk, talk to them about OTHER things. Whatever you do DON'T just "leave them be". Yes, people need space and time to work through grief but the worst thing that can happen is feel like you are alone in an already horrible and lonely time.
DON'T say "I know how you feel" or "I understand how you feel" unless you have PERSONALLY lost a child at about the same age. I am NOT AT ALL discounting the pain and agony that goes along with a miscarriage early in pregnancy, but it's not the same as having had to deliver a child that has either passed away while inside you or shortly after delivering them. To be totally frank and honest, saying one of the above when you haven't "been there, done that" is horribly insulting and makes it hard to take anything you say about caring seriously.
DON'T assume because someone is having a bad day or makes a flippant comment about "wanting it to all be over" or something similar that they are suicidal. The waves of emotion and the way it hits and the things that can trigger it all are SO random that I know I have found myself saying and admitting to things I never would have otherwise. When the feelings blindside you, everything else seems to short circuit.
I'm sure there are plenty more that I may add at a later point in time, but I felt like I needed to share these things as soon as I could. I know that there's been many a time that I didn't think before I spoke to someone and even just due to not understanding, I realize now that I could have ripped their heart out and not known it.
Proverbs 18:21 The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.
James 3: 5-7 "
Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.
Good post!
ReplyDeleteI think you will find that you end up facing this situation over and over again as you move towards healing your heart. Because I agree with you, that Kaidi SHOULD be talked about because she is a part of your life, and always will be. Doesn't mean some people won't judge or make gross assumptions. Sigh. That's just the nature of the beast I guess.
I'm soo sorry that you had to endure that! I'm soo proud of you though for speaking up about your daughter in the first place. I still have problems talking about Caroline because I know that it will bring questions that I don't want to answer. You are one brave and wonderful mother to talk about Kaidi! Hopefully you educated that ignorant person and they'll think twice next time.
ReplyDeleteLots of love! xoxox