Koopman Kraziness

I despise the word "normal" for a variety of reasons, but primarily simply this: Everyone has a different definition of what "normal" is.  For some, working all night and sleeping all day is normal.  For others, being shot at on a daily basis is normal.  For still others, normal involves the general stereotype - 2.5 kids, mom and dad in the same home where either dad works and mom stays home or both work. Here's what "normal" looks like for my little family. I (Mom) go to school full time.  I completed my Associates of Science in Biology this semester, but I start back full time at the end of January to work on my Bachelors in Biotechnology and a minor in Psychology.  I also work two unconventional jobs.  Currently I work for myself as a housekeeper for a handful of faithful clients and I am getting a new business as a Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay off the ground.  I'm fully aware that I need to make more money than I do ...

I get told all the time by people in my life what a good mom I am to Kamden.  I can never thank anyone enough for saying so, but I have the hardest time believing it. Let me explain. I bust my butt to make sure Kamden has what he needs to the fullest of my ability.  I'll pick up odd jobs to make money fast to cover extra expenses, push for help at school, make sure he's at therapies and that the therapists are up to date on anything new going on with him.  I double check to make sure he's received his medication on time and that he's used his essential oils for the day and I make sure that he has his doctor's appointments on time. However... Tonight is the first time I have ever played tag with my son. I get so caught up in all the things he appears to need that it becomes easy for me to forget that the thing he needs the most is me. I forget that just being in the same room is not the same as spending time with him.  He needs me to be his mother and his a...

Can we just talk about how bad I feel to even say that?  All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and have several kids.  So many days now, I find myself cracking jokes about how Kamden's behavior that day is an amazing form of birth control.  I'm sure that to many people who hear my say such things it is shocking and possibly offensive, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I joke to keep from crying. There's always a bit of truth in our joking around or making sarcastic comments whether we want to admit to it or not.  I know that I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to anyone, but I think it might help someone else out there.  If nothing else, you will know you are not alone. Why I Would Not Have Another Child Kamden is SO sensitive to other people and their reactions and emotions that he gets physically upset and at times inconsolable when he sees another person cry.  While I know that this could eventually get better, it is devastat...

This entry began yesterday... It's only 11 am and today has already been awful.  Kamden has yelled all morning and yelled at and was ugly enough to leave my mother in tears.  These are the days I hate the most.  He doesn't at all resemble the child I know he is.  The usually sweet, caring Kamden is masked by a rude,  belligerent, hateful child that I don't know how to deal with other than to make him rest in a dark, quiet room.  A few hours later, he generally is back to himself and apologetic for how he's acted,  but my God...help us all in the mean time. Fast forward to 24-hours later, and we have had a calmer day, but not until we'd had another blow up of a night.  Kamden had taken his nightly dose of medication already and it was obvious it was beginning to take effect.  He lashed out at my mom and my dad both and was quite ugly to them.  It ended up with two very upset and hurt grandparents and a very upset and sobbing 7-...

There are a lot of reasons I could list for my being tired, but mostly I am emotionally tired.  Kamden has been really having a time of it lately and I'm not sure what exactly is going on nor how to help him. Ever since school let out, he has been afraid of various things.  He's afraid to sleep alone or even be alone to play for long because he is worried we are going to leave him.  He doesn't want to stay places because he'll miss me or is scared I won't come back.  This makes therapy days brutal.  He begs me to not make him stay, tells me he'll miss me too much...  In part, it is the change of routine. We had a snafu with his Medicaid at the start of the month and so he has been out of therapy for about three weeks.  He's mostly just out of the habit, but it definitely taught me a lesson as far as double checking documentation and due dates. Kamden went back to his therapy office this week and all of his therapists bragged on him for doing so well....

It is so easy to make a snap judgment about a person.  I cannot even imagine how many times I have mistakenly judged someone based on their actions or demeanor when I came into contact with them and it might have been something as simple as a really, really bad day. Having a child with autism has made me much more aware of what goes on around me.  I used to walk through a store and hear a child screaming or see what I perceived to be "bad behavior" and the first thoughts to flood my mind consisted of, "If I were that's child's parent..."  Now, I see things quite differently.  Yes, that child may be behaving horribly, but what if that child is also a high functioning autistic?  A simple glance at one moment in his or her day is not going to tell me what a child is like, not will it give me an accurate picture of what that parent deals with all day long.  I know that I cannot realistically expect others to extend the same thoughts to me when Kamden is havin...

**I want to preface this by saying that the last few weeks have been highly stressful and there has been much less sleep than usual.  I'm a bit delirious and kind of just doing what I call "word vomit" in hopes that it will calm my mind.  I apologize if this doesn't make sense in parts. ** I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.  This has been my pattern for almost 2 weeks now.  My mind begins to race when I lay down and while there is so much good going on regarding Kamden right now, there is so much that weighs heavily on my heart and mind. It has hit me recently that we will never have a "normal" life.  One part of me thinks, "What is 'normal' anyway?"  Then there is the other side of me that watches my son live his daily life and that side's heart breaks a little every time I see just how different things are. He has the biggest heart I have ever seen...but he can't control his emotions.  When he sees someone else is ups...

I really should write more often.  It clears my head and gives me a bit of peace in a chaotic world.  Maybe this summer is the time to get back on that horse. The last two months have had their fair share of ups and downs.  Thankfully, there have been more ups than downs, but it's been a bit exhausting. Kamden finished his first year of school and was given the Memory Award.  He managed to memorize the names of all the students in the entire kindergarten (between 60 and 70 students).  We also had an ARD meeting (aka IEP meeting) with the school regarding his autism.  The school officially recognizes him as autistic and have provided a confirming diagnosis by way of the school psychologist.  They did emphasize that he's extremely high functioning and that he's incredibly bright, but that they do see areas that he definitely needs help.  The team we met with was very apologetic that it had taken a full year to get him evaluated and set up for he...

Wait.  Hear me out. It's likely something we have all been guilty of at one time or another, and it is something that many of us don't even think about being a potentially fatal decision, but it is. As a mother, I do everything in my power to make sure my child is cared for, safe, fed, protected...or do I?  Why had I never thought about the decisions I make while in the car before? I've been lucky in that I've never been involved in an accident tied to texting.  In fact, most of the time I strictly checked messages at stop lights.  Most of the time.  What about all those times that I didn't wait for a stop light or thought, "It'll only take a second."  I've had close calls.  Some of them have been with Kamden in the car, but thankfully most have been without him in the car. It hit me this week that I'm endangering the life of my son every time I touch my phone while I'm in the car.  I could be the cause of his death.  I ha...

 Someone once asked me how it felt to live life with PTSD.  I think this picture sums it up pretty well.  It feels lonely.  It's terrifying.  It's unpredictable.  You can go months without an episode and one little thing can happen that sends you into a downward spiral.  It never is "cured".  It never "goes away".  It's "controlled" or "noncontrolled".  I learned just how unpredictable it can be this week. I had spring break this week, which for me meant no work and no school.  I decided I'd spend some extra time with Kamden doing things he likes to do but we don't always get time to do, as well as that I'd do something for myself.   On Wednesday, I went to get my nails done.  It's always a time that I mentally escape, relax and just reset myself.  When I got there, the salon was fairly busy.  I had intentionally left my phone in the car so I could disconnect for a bit and had taken to reading magazines a...

I haven't written in a few months and I do apologize.  This year has been one of the busiest I ever remember having. Let's start with the biggest news.  Jeff and I have divorced.  While it was inevitable, it is still difficult and is something we are both dealing with day by day.  Trying to find your new "normal" after eight and a half years is challenging at best.  We had been separated a year when the divorce finalized, but that next step is quite the doozie. Nothing can prepare you for the floor of emotions.  You go into it thinking that you will feel relieved, maybe even excited, when things are final and the stress associated with the ending of it all is over.  Instead, you are faced with this ominous feeling of, "What do I do now?  Can I really support myself and my son?  It's been so long since I was single, what if I can't do it?" If nothing else, it has taught me that I can't do more than take life a day at a time.  I...