I'm Not Sure I Want to Have Another Child

Can we just talk about how bad I feel to even say that?  All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and have several kids.  So many days now, I find myself cracking jokes about how Kamden's behavior that day is an amazing form of birth control.  I'm sure that to many people who hear my say such things it is shocking and possibly offensive, but I'll let you in on a little secret.

I joke to keep from crying.

There's always a bit of truth in our joking around or making sarcastic comments whether we want to admit to it or not.  I know that I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to anyone, but I think it might help someone else out there.  If nothing else, you will know you are not alone.

Why I Would Not Have Another Child

• Kamden is SO sensitive to other people and their reactions and emotions that he gets physically upset and at times inconsolable when he sees another person cry.  While I know that this could eventually get better, it is devastating to watch happen.  I can't even begin to imagine how he would function with an infant that cries for no reason at times.
• We are still so far from being potty trained.  Maybe it's a selfish reason for me to give, but I'm tired of cleaning up pee and poop.  I don't hold it against him.  I know we could work harder on it as a team.  I'm just dang tired of diapers, pull-ups, training pants, wet wipes, random bed sheet changes, setting timers every 30-45 minutes all day to remind him to go to the bathroom only to have a 15-20 minute struggle many of those times to even get him to go at all.  Even with ideal circumstances and a neurotypical child, I am not sure I want to do it again.
• There are such high demands as to things Kamden needs both out of and inside the home that I don't know if I could devote the proper time to have another child.  Let me explain.  On a regular day, Kamden requires a large amount of physical contact.  It can vary from simply needing to be sitting beside someone all the way up to needing to be physically held and allowed skin to skin contact.  We've tried just using weighted blankets or other alternatives to skin to skin touch, but what it all boils down to is the fact that sometimes that contact is the deciding factor between a mild upset or a complete meltdown.  He has an unusually high level of anxiety regarding things that most kids do have concerns over, but the amount of anxiety is grossly magnified.  

The thing is...it isn't just to do with Kamden and his needs/idiosyncrasies.  There's so, so much more.

• Losing Kaidance to Potters Syndrome was more traumatic than I realized initially that it was.  We had somewhat prepared for months before we had her to lose her immediately, but how do you really prepare to give birth to a child that will never come home?  While I know tons of parents who have gone on to have perfectly healthy pregnancies with wonderful outcomes, the fear of "what if" is nearly paralyzing for me. 
• A fact only known by a handful of people in my life is this.  Kamden and Kaidi share a "lightning strike" diagnosis: bilateral ventriculomegaly.  This phenomenon occurs in less than 2% of pregnancies and there is no known genetic link, yet both my children have had it.  In Kamden, it appears to not dramatically affect him, however it does affect the speed at which he is able to master motor skills.  It's something that he will have to be monitored for the rest of his life.  Every few years, he will have to have an MRI, and if at any time the fluid levels in his brain rise, we will be facing surgery to have a shunt placed.  Is this anything we couldn't adapt to?  Not at all.  We'd adapt just fine.  Is it terrifying?  Absolutely.  Every time he complains of a headache, falls while he's playing and bumps his head, or even has more trouble than usual with holding a pencil or cutting with scissors I have to wonder if things are progressing with his little brain.  

This isn't to say that if I found out I was expecting that I wouldn't be overjoyed.  I'd be afraid, yes, but I'd be excited as well.  Both of my children have taught me more through their lives than I ever even dreamed was possible, and I know any other child who might come along would be as equally large of a blessing. 

In Kaidi's case, I learned that no matter what the "professionals" tell you that nothing is impossible.  For months, doctors told me that she'd pass away before she was ever born, that on the slight chance she were born alive that she'd never respond physically, and that I'd never feel her in pregnancy once that point had been reached.  I  felt every roll, every kick, punch, hiccup.  I felt her fight and I saw her born alive.  I heard her squeak in response to our voices.  The "impossible" is very possible.

Then there is my dear, sweet Kamden.  From even before he was born, he has taught me amazing things about faith.  After discovering the high levels of CSF in his brain scans, all we could do through the rest of the pregnancy was wait and pray.  There was no way to know what we would be dealing with when he was born, but I knew we'd face it and be okay.  Since his birth, and even more so since his autism diagnosis in February of 2013, he has shown me an entirely different way to look at the world and the people in it.  For example, did you know that if you walk outside, close your eyes and stand completely still that you can actually hear beauty?  Did you know that you can find something amazing and crazy exciting in even the smallest things every day?  I mean, I never thought Wal-Mart trips to be anything special, but Kamden turns them into a time to make a new friend.  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  He can corner the grumpiest looking person in the store and have a smile and a conversation out of them in no time flat  He doesn't judge on appearances.  He sees people according to their heart.  I've never met a child who would crawl onto my lap and offer to stay there until my "heart stops hurting".  He has a compassion and love that I've never seen before in my life and it makes me want to be a better person.  He challenges me daily, but in (mostly) good ways.

Whatever my future holds, whether that be no more children of my own or several more (God, I didn't mean that literally as SEVERAL), I will know one thing.  I am blessed.  No matter what challenges or obstacles have come with the life and legacy I've been given, I am blessed.  Life with the kids that I have has not ever been easy, but I never got scared off by a challenge.