Please, Don't be THAT Person
It is so easy to make a snap judgment about a person. I cannot even imagine how many times I have mistakenly judged someone based on their actions or demeanor when I came into contact with them and it might have been something as simple as a really, really bad day.
Having a child with autism has made me much more aware of what goes on around me. I used to walk through a store and hear a child screaming or see what I perceived to be "bad behavior" and the first thoughts to flood my mind consisted of, "If I were that's child's parent..." Now, I see things quite differently. Yes, that child may be behaving horribly, but what if that child is also a high functioning autistic? A simple glance at one moment in his or her day is not going to tell me what a child is like, not will it give me an accurate picture of what that parent deals with all day long. I know that I cannot realistically expect others to extend the same thoughts to me when Kamden is having a terrible day or is in sensory overload in the middle of Wal-Mart or the grocery store, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I at least wish that were the case. It took me having to live through it myself before I even considered what might be happening in the lives of others. At best, all I can do is educate in love.
Along a similar vein, I'd like to discuss eating out in restaurants. Last week we had our first experience with Kamden being openly ridiculed in a restaurant. I'm going to try to share the experience objectively, but my momma heart is still broken for him, so I may have some emotions get in the way. We took Kamden to lunch at a local Schlotzky's per his request. The only thing that was different than usual is that we took him during lunch rush. Normally, I wait an hour past or go and hour ahead so that he is not too overwhelmed with all of the activity that is going on and all of the noise, but he seemed to be okay when we got inside so we pressed on. Being that it is summer, there were many more kids there than normally would be and Kamden was excited at the prospect of all the "new friends". We had to take a table near the main avenue of foot traffic as it was one of the only available and clean, so every time someone new walked by, Kamden would say hello. There were some that he would pat on the arm to get their attention and wave. All at least smiled at him and some waved back. He was getting up and picking up things for people if they dropped them, etc., and Mom and I finally got him calmed down enough to eat. As we were leaving, we had to pass a large picture type window in the entry area to get to the outside doors. One mother and a daughter Kamden had stopped to talk to were seated there with four or five other girls of various ages between five and twelve years old. As we walked out, the mother looked up, looked me straight in the eye and smiled as the girls all turned, pointed and laughed at Kamden. She made no move to stop or correct them, but instead averted her gaze when I narrowed my eyes. Half of the girls turned around while the others continued. Mother still made no move to correct them. Kamden recognized the girl his age and wanted to say hello again before we left so he moved up to knock on the window and wave. I grabbed his arm to redirect him, but not before the mother said something to the girls that I couldn't make out. I can only assume that it was unkind because the reaction was the same as before - faces being made, pointing and laughing. I fought to keep my cool and guided Kamden to the car. Thankfully, he either did not notice or he did not understand what was going on and never asked about any of it.
Sometimes the egocentricity of autism is a blessing. Aside from a bullying incident at school last year, he has never noticed anyone treating him differently or talking about him. That part of him I greatly envy. I wanted to not notice and I wanted to not care. We don't always get what we want.
That being said, to Mother from Schlotzky's:
I don't entirely fault you. Kamden's behaviors are a bit different. However, encouraging or even just failing to discourage your children's making fun of another person is unacceptable. Had I had the time, patience or energy to do so, I would have introduced you to Kamden and explained why he had tapped your little girl on the shoulder. She looked unhappy when she passed him and for that split second that she turned to look at him when he touched her, she smiled and her eyes lit up. I don't know if you said something to her about him possibly liking her and it embarrassed her or caused her to react, but to allow a table full of girls, most plenty old enough to know better, to make fun of and point out a child they do not know anything about is setting a terrible example. Now that nearly a week has passed, I am calmer and I do forgive you. I am sure that you didn't realize he was any different than your daughters. I'm sure that you didn't notice that he was gripping the sides of his chair trying his hardest to sit still and focus to eat his lunch. I'm sure you never saw him flinch when people would laugh loudly behind him. All that you saw is that he wanted to touch your daughter and that he'd chosen to wear firefighter boots with his shorts. Really, I'd like to apologize to you. I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to hear the laugh in his voice when he says hello to you. I'm sorry that you haven't had the chance to be educated about how different is not less.
Having a child with autism has made me much more aware of what goes on around me. I used to walk through a store and hear a child screaming or see what I perceived to be "bad behavior" and the first thoughts to flood my mind consisted of, "If I were that's child's parent..." Now, I see things quite differently. Yes, that child may be behaving horribly, but what if that child is also a high functioning autistic? A simple glance at one moment in his or her day is not going to tell me what a child is like, not will it give me an accurate picture of what that parent deals with all day long. I know that I cannot realistically expect others to extend the same thoughts to me when Kamden is having a terrible day or is in sensory overload in the middle of Wal-Mart or the grocery store, but I would be lying if I didn't say that I at least wish that were the case. It took me having to live through it myself before I even considered what might be happening in the lives of others. At best, all I can do is educate in love.
Along a similar vein, I'd like to discuss eating out in restaurants. Last week we had our first experience with Kamden being openly ridiculed in a restaurant. I'm going to try to share the experience objectively, but my momma heart is still broken for him, so I may have some emotions get in the way. We took Kamden to lunch at a local Schlotzky's per his request. The only thing that was different than usual is that we took him during lunch rush. Normally, I wait an hour past or go and hour ahead so that he is not too overwhelmed with all of the activity that is going on and all of the noise, but he seemed to be okay when we got inside so we pressed on. Being that it is summer, there were many more kids there than normally would be and Kamden was excited at the prospect of all the "new friends". We had to take a table near the main avenue of foot traffic as it was one of the only available and clean, so every time someone new walked by, Kamden would say hello. There were some that he would pat on the arm to get their attention and wave. All at least smiled at him and some waved back. He was getting up and picking up things for people if they dropped them, etc., and Mom and I finally got him calmed down enough to eat. As we were leaving, we had to pass a large picture type window in the entry area to get to the outside doors. One mother and a daughter Kamden had stopped to talk to were seated there with four or five other girls of various ages between five and twelve years old. As we walked out, the mother looked up, looked me straight in the eye and smiled as the girls all turned, pointed and laughed at Kamden. She made no move to stop or correct them, but instead averted her gaze when I narrowed my eyes. Half of the girls turned around while the others continued. Mother still made no move to correct them. Kamden recognized the girl his age and wanted to say hello again before we left so he moved up to knock on the window and wave. I grabbed his arm to redirect him, but not before the mother said something to the girls that I couldn't make out. I can only assume that it was unkind because the reaction was the same as before - faces being made, pointing and laughing. I fought to keep my cool and guided Kamden to the car. Thankfully, he either did not notice or he did not understand what was going on and never asked about any of it.
Sometimes the egocentricity of autism is a blessing. Aside from a bullying incident at school last year, he has never noticed anyone treating him differently or talking about him. That part of him I greatly envy. I wanted to not notice and I wanted to not care. We don't always get what we want.
That being said, to Mother from Schlotzky's:
I don't entirely fault you. Kamden's behaviors are a bit different. However, encouraging or even just failing to discourage your children's making fun of another person is unacceptable. Had I had the time, patience or energy to do so, I would have introduced you to Kamden and explained why he had tapped your little girl on the shoulder. She looked unhappy when she passed him and for that split second that she turned to look at him when he touched her, she smiled and her eyes lit up. I don't know if you said something to her about him possibly liking her and it embarrassed her or caused her to react, but to allow a table full of girls, most plenty old enough to know better, to make fun of and point out a child they do not know anything about is setting a terrible example. Now that nearly a week has passed, I am calmer and I do forgive you. I am sure that you didn't realize he was any different than your daughters. I'm sure that you didn't notice that he was gripping the sides of his chair trying his hardest to sit still and focus to eat his lunch. I'm sure you never saw him flinch when people would laugh loudly behind him. All that you saw is that he wanted to touch your daughter and that he'd chosen to wear firefighter boots with his shorts. Really, I'd like to apologize to you. I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to hear the laugh in his voice when he says hello to you. I'm sorry that you haven't had the chance to be educated about how different is not less.
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