Some days it REALLY hurts

***BLOG DISCLAIMER  This is a very emotional post.  95% of it is based purely on my perception and perspective of things and not necessarily on what is FACT.  None of it is meant to offend, point a finger, hurt, or otherwise step on toes.  If it does, it is NOT my intention.  I need to get these things out, so if you aren't sure if you can handle reading a post like this, please "X" out of the window.  I don't want to hurt anyone.***


Have you ever been in the situation where when you get a new car that you suddenly see that EXACT car almost everywhere you go?  Well, it may be a strange comparison, but the same is true of wanting to be pregnant or hold your newborn.  You suddenly see pregnant women EVERY place you go or you see a beautiful bundle in someone's arms everywhere you turn.

Most days it's bearable.  It still hurts, but it's more like a dull ache than it is a stabbing pain.  Other days my heart feels exactly like the one in the picture.  It's been feeling that way pretty much all of the last week.  

A week ago, we attended the annual "Walk to Remember" which focuses on miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss.  I held it together and was making sure everyone I knew from the local MEND chapter was doing okay, and I continued to hold it together until we released balloons.  I was going to kiss and then release the balloon, but when I started to kiss it, in my mind, I was right back where I was the last time I kissed her before I had to hand her over to the nurses.  It hurt.  It physically hurt and I began to shake from head to toe.  I later found out that Kamden told my dad, "This is for baby Kaidi to play with!" just before he released his own balloon.  

That same weekend, my period started.  Any woman can tell you that is an emotional enough time without it being a poor reminder of not being pregnant or knowing that the point of even HAVING one is to be able to be able to bear children and that your doctors won't allow you to, it's even more painful and emotional.  Add to that fact that this month I had very clear signs that my endometriosis has returned.  I'll spare the details but it was a bad week in general regarding that.  Lots of additional pain, mood swings, cysts rupturing...  I could think of more desirable ways to spend a week.

Mid week, I realized how many people I'm close to are expecting or about to deliver.  There are no less than 20 who are in their second trimester up through nearing their due date who I am personally close to and not just friends with via internet.  I'm very happy for each and every one of them...  The part that is hardest for me is to hear how much someone wants their pregnancy to be over, or that they dread being sleep deprived or giving up their precious hours of sleep to get up for feedings or colic...but what's worst is when the baby wasn't necessarily planned for and they either aren't sure they want the baby or that they aren't happy about it and seemingly use it as a reason to complain or try to get sympathy.  

I've never been one that liked or wanted to try to make it all about me, but it makes me want to shake them by the shoulders and say, "Don't you realize what a blessing you have???  I know you are uncomfortable, but cherish the days you have your baby inside of you.  You don't know how soon they will end and how fast it can all change." "I know you cherish your sleep/downtime/alone time, but remember, your child waking you up by crying means s/he is healthy, growing, breathing and ALIVE."  "I know that your baby wasn't planned, but it's still such a huge blessing...  If you were to realize how small the window of opportunity is in a month that you can actually GET pregnant, it's a miracle that you have the child growing inside of you that you do.  Please, even if you aren't entirely happy with the idea of this child coming, please, please try to make the best of it and cherish those moments.  I know too many women who struggle with infertility issues or other issues that keep them from conceiving and they would give their life to have the chance you do."

I want to say those things, but I don't.   I don't because I don't know each woman's unique situation.  She may have had losses previously and be scared out of her mind currently.  She may have the worst morning sickness ever and truly wish for THAT to be past her, but not the pregnancy.  She may have found out that she's expecting either more than one or a baby with possible health issues and be terrified of the pregnancy progressing and things going wrong.  Too, I don't say those things because I know that my own raw emotions play a big, BIG part in what I say, do and how I perceive things and that my loss of my daughter has profoundly and eternally changed me.  Had I not gone through the things I have, I would likely be saying and feeling many if not all of the same things that I internally criticize.  

There have been so many things we have been going to and doing with Kamden lately and they are all things that I so wanted to share with Kaidi.  It hurts to go and do those things but is sweet at the same time.  I can see Kamden's excitement and the joy on his face while we are there doing things, but I feel the ache for Kaidi to be there, even though she'd be so small that she'd not remember them happening. I just want her there to share in it all.  I know that people will think and say, "But she's always going to be with you" and I know that she is.  I can sense her all around me most days.  But she's not HERE.  She's not participating and cooing.  She's gone.

By now, she'd be trying to sit up on her own.  She'd be rolling over.  Smiling on her own and not just because of gas.  She'd be recognizing the world around her and starting some solids.  But she's not.  Granted, she's in a place where none of those things matter because she was immediately transformed and made perfect...but that doesn't bring me the peace I'd hoped it would.  

Maybe someday.