5 months and counting...

My precious daughter:

By now you would be:

Sitting on your own and regularly eating solids.  You would be smiling and cooing, "talking" to us, sleeping less and interacting more.  Your big brother would be begging to help with you and run to get diapers, help with bottles and make sure your nuk never fell out for long.

Instead...  My heart smiled and broke again at exactly 10:52pm tonight...  They tell me that part of PTSD is reliving the event.  It's relived not just emotionally, but physically too.  I started feeling the exact same contractions as I had while waiting for you to come 5 months ago.  They hit around 10:00 and didn't let up until exactly 10:52...

Now that pain has stopped and it's slowly moving to my heart.

We had our first snow yesterday, and in the middle of telling your brother how pretty it was and hearing him ask if we could go outside in it, I caught myself worrying about you when the words, "No, buddy...  It's too cold" passed my lips.  You had to be out in that cold.  I know that YOU aren't really there, but I wanted so badly to drive out to where your body rests, and cover you with the baby blanket I made that should have been keeping your warm every time we leave the house.

Deep down I know I'm not crazy...I'm just grieving...  But I feel like people look at me and see a lunatic.  I seem totally put together from the outside, but on the inside...I'm jumping out of my skin.  If someone blew on me, I feel like I'd shatter into a million tiny pieces and blow away.  I didn't want to and haven't been taking the doses of tranquilizer that I discussed with the doctor because they numb away my feelings for you along with the feelings of pain.  I don't want to lose you and the drugs make me feel like I do...but I've had to start taking them three times a day again.  Life just hurts too much...and there are too many things that trigger me going into a panic or lashing out angrily at people who don't deserve it.  I'm sure you know this, but that's not who your Mommy is...

I'm trying so hard to get better...I'm trying to find positive things to focus my attention on, but even the things I should find happiness and victory in seem so empty now.  Like tonight, I ran two miles!  I know you can't know this, but that's something HUGE for your momma.  I couldn't even complete one mile in high school unless I walked 3/4 of it.  I know I should be immensely proud of myself for pushing toward and reaching that milestone, but instead I see still that I had no control over and no way to keep you alive.  That's all I really wanted.  I would have died so you could live.

I know it didn't happen that way because God had other plans for me...but sometimes I wish it had.  You deserved a chance at life.  You deserved the chance to get picked on by a big brother who only does it because he's wild about you.  You deserved to get to wrap your daddy around your little finger.  Why you didn't get those things I'll never understand....  But at least I know you'll never have to endure many of the negative things in this life.

I love you angel girl...  Snuggle Jesus for me and wait for me...  We'll see each other soon.