Koopman Kraziness

Call me a nut, but I am already thinking about fundraising for next year's March of Dimes.  I've come up with a few ideas, but wanted to bounce them off of those who read here. *I'm going to train to run the distance (a 5K) rather than walk it this year.  Considering that I can barely jog the length of a block right now, it's a lofty goal, but I thought using that as an incentive might help people want to donate. *I've made "Team Kaidi" shirts for a local "Walk to Remember" that is happening this weekend and was going to also use them for any team members we have for March of Dimes next year.  I don't want to turn her death into some sort of money making scheme, but I thought, "Why not look at selling the shirts with all proceeds going toward the walk?" *I continue to make bows and blankets and have considered putting all of those proceeds toward the walk as well. If you have any other ideas or particularly like one of those...

I had to take a break from making all the "girly things" when we lost Kaidi, but I think I'm back.  We've actually renamed the business as well, so you'll be noticing those changes on the site.   I'll have Halloween, fall and Christmas bows up within the next couple of weeks, so keep your eyes open!

1. What is something Mommy always says to you? Clean up all the blocks. 2. What makes Mommy happy? the girl (mmmmk?) 3. What makes Mommy sad? the girl...(yup) 4. How does Mommy make you laugh? She goes to the circus...  (the kid doesn't realize I'm mortally terrified by clowns) 5. What was Mommy like as a child? She said "shhhhhh" (I guess I say this alot?) 6. How old is Mommy? 4 and 5 (I hope he doesn't mean 45...) 7. How tall is Mommy? She's SO tall 8. What is Mommy's favorite thing to do? Eat some lunch 9. What does Mommy do when you're not around? Says "Shhh, shhh" (well I do like my quiet time) 10. If Mommy becomes famous, what will it be for? "She's not famous..." 11. What is Mommy really good at? She feels sad (ouch...)   12. What is Mommy not very good at? Being happy (wow..) 13. What does Mommy do for her job? She goes to school (Well that's actually Daddy, but I AM going to go b...

I'm trying so hard to just deal with life...  take it as it comes... stay busy... help others to make up for not being able to help her...  It takes just one moment, one smell, one sound, one look and I'm right back where I started.  I'm so tired...mentally and emotionally more than anything.  I want it to all be a dream, but I know it's not.   I continue to see life go on around me while I feel like I'm standing still.  I know I'm making progress somehow and someway, but it feels like life is on pause and I've lost the remote.  A week from Thursday will have been 4 months...4 months!  122 days that have passed and I feel like I'm still lying in the delivery room cherishing the handful of minutes I was holding her alive. At one time I was comforted that I never saw her eyes.  Afraid that I would have seen pain there.  Now it haunts me.  I'll never know her eyes.

I have been delving deeply into the world of couponing, hoping that I can save a few dollars here and there on needs for our family.  I still have a long way to go in learning all the ins and outs of it all, but I have learned a few things.  Some are pretty common sense, but some I'd never thought of before. Where you live will dictate how well you can coupon.   There are more places than not that do NOT do the double or triple coupons, so the chances of being able to get a good stockpile going like you see on TV may not be realistic for you.  Celebrate the small victories and know that every dollar saved helps. ALWAYS shop with a list.   It will not only save you money, because you won't be needlessly buying things that you either already have at home or rarely if ever use, but it will save you a LOT of time.   Don't buy it just because you have a coupon.  'Nuff said.  Unless it practically makes the item free, if you don't immediately need ...

Okay, I'll admit that I intentionally used more than necessary to wipe these two out faster than normal, but I hated this brand (for my hair at least) and was ready to have it gone!

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I was talking with a good friend of mine last night and this morning, and she lovingly pointed out that there is a recurring theme of "control" and my thinking I need it, and that perhaps it's yet another thing that I need to be learning to relinquish to God and therefore obstacles keep coming into our path. Let me back up a bit.  I went to see my psychiatrist yesterday for a follow up on PTSD and depression following  our losing Kaidi.  Really I felt like I was doing a LOT better and I talked to the doctor about trying to conceive again after the first of the year.  I was told no.  I felt like I had been slapped across the face.  If you can believe it, hearing that I couldn't try for another baby, when my arms physically hurt to hold one, hurt emotionally more than when we were first told that Kaidi would likely never survive. They did give me legitimate reasons: 1) I can't be on Klonopin and it takes a while to wean off of. 2) The doctor wouldn't al...

I find myself asking this about a lot of areas of our lives.  Are we "normal" yet?  Are we past the bad days yet?  Are we starting to move on yet?  Are we THERE yet?  And I'm starting to get a few answers.  I'm also starting to find out things regarding the "why" of it all and about myself that I was NOT expecting... For instance... I'm sorta ready for another baby.  Don't get me wrong.  I still have really tough days with regard to not having Kaidi here with us and I know that another baby will in NO way replace Kaidi, nor do I want it to.  God has been doing a lot of working on me in a lot of different areas and I'm starting to see the "why" behind what we have had to go through with the diagnosis, waiting it out, and eventual loss of Kaidi. I want to preface this by saying that I do NOT think that God caused Kaidi's condition.  I believe fully that we live in a fallen world and that there are many things that we go thr...

Trucking right along! Is anyone else doing a Project __ Pan/Tube?  If so, how far along are you?

Jeff and I celebrated our 5th anniversary on August 26th.  In some ways it seems like there is NO way it's already been 5 years and in others it feels like we've been together a lot longer than that (in GOOD ways!).  I thought I'd share a slideshow with some pics of our wedding day as well as a few over the years up to this point. Jeff, I love you with a love I never knew I could have.  I love you more than I did the day we said "I do".  I know that between deployments, family deaths, my health issues, and the loss of our daughter, the last five years haven't gone nearly as well as we'd have liked, but we made it!  I know that God has great things in store for us and that He is just waiting for the perfect time to drown us in his blessings.  Thank you for standing by me, in good times and bad, and thank you for the years to come.  I love you, and I'd do it all over again if it meant I'd be with you.

I've got quite a bit I need to get done today, but I barely function without lists these days.  So...I'm making my list here.  We'll see how I do. Finish putting away laundry and gather up all the new dirty laundry Clean off dining room table File coupons Get stamps on all the thank yous to mail out Find the battery charger for the camera Clean out the rest of the boxes in the front hallway (partly done) Open and sort all random mail/paperwork around the house Get at least two boxes sorted from the dining room for storage

Since we lost our daughter, I've been EXTREMELY lacking in the diabetes area.  I rarely if ever checked my blood sugar levels.  I might take one shot a week, when on a GOOD day, I HAVE to take 4. I've been in denial for years about being diabetic.  I grew up with a mother who has been diabetic since age 10 and a father who was diagnose in his late 30's.  I know the disease.  I've lived with it.  I know what it can do and I've watch a grandmother die from the complications it can cause.  Even with all this head knowledge, I've never let it become "heart knowledge". I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes in 2007, 3 months before I found out I was expecting our son.  I'd had very little time to get my diabetes under control but thankfully Kamden was born without any of the problems many diabetic babies have.  I managed to get my A1C down to 4.2 which from what the doctor told me is a level unheard of in most perfectly healthy people. So you see,...

I'm not writing this post to make anyone feel bad, nor do I want sympathy.  I just want to make everyone more aware of what you say and how you say it. I went to get my nails done yesterday.  I've been trying to do something to pamper myself so that I feel more human - feel alive, at least on the outside, when the inside feels so dead.  I don't ever have a "regular" nail person when I go to my salon, so I just took whoever was available as the day was very busy.  She commented on how much my nails had grown since I was last in (about two weeks) and I smiled and said, "Yeah, it seems like since I've had babies they grow much faster than they used to."  She asked me how old my babies were and I told her I had a son, Kamden, who had just turned 3 and that I had a daughter who died in May that would have been 3 months old now.  She gave me her condolences, shaking her head while she worked on my nails, then she asked me what happened and why my daught...