What You Don't See

I say I'm okay - but only because I don't know what else to say.  I'm not okay.  Every time I see a pregnant belly, a baby carrier, a newborn or even a baby bottle, my heart shreds all over again.

I smile - but only because I'm trying to make myself believe I'm okay.  There are still genuine smiles, but they are so few and far between that I'm not sure I can tell the difference anymore.

I say I'm "hanging in there" - because I don't know how else to describe forcing my way through my days while going from one extreme to another of being totally numb and feeling-less to being totally incapacitated by grief.

I leave things early because I'm tired - or, because I need time to lock myself in my car and let out the gut wrenching, car shaking moans, groans and screams that have hidden themselves and can only come out when I'm alone.

I say I'm leaning on God - and I am.  But at the same time, I'm not sure I've ever been more angry with someone in my life.

There...it's out there and I've admitted to it.  I want to be embarrassed, but it's real.  And it's me.

Comments

  1. AudreyJuly 5, 2011 at 12:37 PM

    I love you Tara.
    Audrey

    ReplyDelete
  2. QueenBJuly 5, 2011 at 5:59 PM

    Be angry with God. He can take it. And He knows you need it. Is there an organization for people who have lost babies to Potter's Syndrome (that's what it was right?) or an organization searching for a cure? If not, I can't think of a better person to start the cause.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJuly 6, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    Oh how I understand that feeling of being mad at someone. When my Brother and Sister-in-law lost the baby it was a shock and I was mad at everything. Do what you have to do to make it thru the days and nights, remember someday you will be able to talk about Kaidiance without crying outloud. Keep strong and hope your day gets better.

    ReplyDelete

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