The Headstone and "D-Day"
On the Monday before my official due date, we went to the cemetery and met with a man I have known my entire life who now owns the cemetery and works with ordering the headstones and maintaining the grounds.
When we arrived, I looked over at my dad and Jeff with what I know had to be a glassy-eyed, spaced out look and muttered, "I don't want to do this. Can we just go home?" My dad smiled at me sadly and patted my leg as I laid my head down on the car door. He told me that it wasn't fair and that no parent should ever have to bury their child, but that we needed to do this and it would help give us some more closure. Jeff held my hand tight when he helped me out of the car and chuckled when I gave everyone a good laugh asking if I was walking on anyone (our car had been parked alongside a line of headstones and I had taken a tranquilizer prior to coming to ward off any panic attacks). He patted my hand as we started up the walkway to the main office and told me not to worry, that if I had "walked on anyone" they didn't mind. It didn't bother them. I know that in retrospect it really was pretty hilarious, but it truly does bother me to ever walk over someone's grave. I feel like I'm paying some sort of disrespect to them. But I digress...
Mr. H. welcomed us inside and told us again how sorry he was for our loss of Kaidance. As I said, I've known him since I was a baby, so he was one of those who was like family and felt the loss strongly as well. He looked over the style we had sketched out and then went over all the options and formalities with us. We finally chose a beveled (aka "angled") "Texas Red" stone that will look as pictured below. Inside of the oval in the heart, there will be a ceramic, color picture of Kaidance and on the left there will be a ring of angels mounted that had been Jeff's mother's.
We still have to make the official "order" of the stone, but knowing that it's been selected brings some comfort. Well, not comfort...closure.
Ah, and then Wednesday. July 13, 2011. The day that I should have been welcoming my precious lamb into the world. I don't honestly remember much about that day itself, but I do remember it wasn't QUITE as hard as I had anticipated. I remember feeling for her ring at my neck all day and snuggling her hospital blankets extra close. What was hardest about that day was that my first post pregnancy period was in full swing and to me it was just a horrid reminder of her being gone. Jeff had to work that day, so I went to my mother's house and picked her up so that she Kamden, and I could go to the library. Kamden loves the library so much, and it did my heart good to see him running around enjoying the books and the other kids there.
When midnight hit and it was officially July 14th, I remember letting out a huge sigh and thinking, "We did it. We made it through the day I most dreaded. We can do anything."
When we arrived, I looked over at my dad and Jeff with what I know had to be a glassy-eyed, spaced out look and muttered, "I don't want to do this. Can we just go home?" My dad smiled at me sadly and patted my leg as I laid my head down on the car door. He told me that it wasn't fair and that no parent should ever have to bury their child, but that we needed to do this and it would help give us some more closure. Jeff held my hand tight when he helped me out of the car and chuckled when I gave everyone a good laugh asking if I was walking on anyone (our car had been parked alongside a line of headstones and I had taken a tranquilizer prior to coming to ward off any panic attacks). He patted my hand as we started up the walkway to the main office and told me not to worry, that if I had "walked on anyone" they didn't mind. It didn't bother them. I know that in retrospect it really was pretty hilarious, but it truly does bother me to ever walk over someone's grave. I feel like I'm paying some sort of disrespect to them. But I digress...
Mr. H. welcomed us inside and told us again how sorry he was for our loss of Kaidance. As I said, I've known him since I was a baby, so he was one of those who was like family and felt the loss strongly as well. He looked over the style we had sketched out and then went over all the options and formalities with us. We finally chose a beveled (aka "angled") "Texas Red" stone that will look as pictured below. Inside of the oval in the heart, there will be a ceramic, color picture of Kaidance and on the left there will be a ring of angels mounted that had been Jeff's mother's.
 |
| This picture will be used for the stone. |
Ah, and then Wednesday. July 13, 2011. The day that I should have been welcoming my precious lamb into the world. I don't honestly remember much about that day itself, but I do remember it wasn't QUITE as hard as I had anticipated. I remember feeling for her ring at my neck all day and snuggling her hospital blankets extra close. What was hardest about that day was that my first post pregnancy period was in full swing and to me it was just a horrid reminder of her being gone. Jeff had to work that day, so I went to my mother's house and picked her up so that she Kamden, and I could go to the library. Kamden loves the library so much, and it did my heart good to see him running around enjoying the books and the other kids there.
When midnight hit and it was officially July 14th, I remember letting out a huge sigh and thinking, "We did it. We made it through the day I most dreaded. We can do anything."
Comments
Post a Comment