Time to catch up

I'm sorry it's been so long since I wrote a true blog post.  Reality has hit and hit hard in the last two weeks.

We have, as a family, been hit hard with just general life issues which have led me to return to working.  I'm still going to make and sell bows (you can check that out here ) but in addition, I've started taking on clients to clean houses for.  It's a humbling thing to do, but I wanted to do a job where I could more or less make my own hours and still have adequate time with Kamden.  I'm hoping that pulling in some additional money will help to take some pressure off of Jeff.

Jeff started a new job part time and has started back to school.  We've finally been able to talk some about our loss and some kind of surprising things have been revealed.  I want to share them, but now isn't the right time to do so.  I've asked him to cry and grieve with me, and he says he has to work it out on his own.  It's hard enough to lose your child...but when you emotionally feel like your losing your husband, it's a totally different story.  I'm trying to learn how to be there for him, but I'm just not sure.

I'm desperate to get through next week.  Kaidi would have been due next Wednesday.  I know it's not how it will really happen, but I have this thought in the back of my mind that if I can get through next Wednesday that things will get easier.  On the other hand, my fear is that it will cause the dam to break. 

 I lead a group twice a month for moms (if you've ever heard of MOPS, it's similar) and we had a mom who is a friend all the way back to high school come with her three kids.  The youngest is about 8 months and is an adorable little girl.  I thought with her being older I would not have any issues with holding and playing with her.  She held my face and she gave me sweet kisses, cuddled me and almost fell asleep.  I held it together so well until we got back home.  I felt like I needed to just lay down for a minute and the next thing I knew I couldn't move off of the bed.  I just laid and cried.

We have some good friends at church who just had a beautiful baby boy about two weeks ago and this last Sunday was their first time in service.  I thought I was handling things really well, but my first glance at him made the tears well up and the first tiny squeak/grunt, I just lost it.  I wanted so much to go and hold him and hug them, but I physically couldn't move.  I started to calm down right about the time Kamden stood up in the pew excitedly and yelled out, "Look!!  It's my Baby Sissy!!!!" I had to apologize to my dad (the pastor) for not having a clue what his sermon was about, but I spent the entire service silently sobbing on the front pew.  I don't want to make our friends feel weird around me or like they have to walk on eggshells.  I want to at least be able to get through the services without boohooing, you know?

We had a good night out with my parents on July 4 and went to a local laser lights show since our area has had fireworks banned due to the lack of rain and increased wildfires for the last several months.  Once again, I started out doing well.  It was a large crowd seated in one of the main parks for our city and I really enjoyed myself - until it was time to leave.  I kept seeing a scenario in my mind of someone grabbing Kamden in the darkness (even though both Jeff and I had hold of a hand) and running away with him.  The panic attack started as we walked to the car, the duration of the ride home and then had Jeff take Kamden up to our apartment and I sat in the car and cried to the point of not even sobbing.  I didn't know I COULD cry as hard as I did that night.  The walls of the car shook.  I felt the car itself shake and heard these animal like groans, moans and wails echoing off of the walls.  I walked upstairs thinking I'd feel this huge relief...but the hole was still there.  That hole that won't ever go away, but that will only smooth over at the edges like new skin covering a bullet wound.  It covers, but the hole is still there.

Jeff and I had originally talked about no birth control and just letting what happens happen after the recommended 6-month wait. (Of course provided that both OB and Psychiatrist okay for that to happen.)  After a recent few conversations, he feels like it'd be better for me to go onto some type of birth control so that we can wait a little "longer"  the options being either 6ish months but avoiding as much as possible due to meds I'm on and time for Jeff to grieve as well.  Or...as much as two years.  I don't know when the decision will be made, but the idea of it at all breaks my heart.

I have tons of love to give to a baby I don't and never will have again.  I have empty arms.  Now, I do have Kamden, and I thank God I do.  But this love isn't meant for him - it's hers....and she'll never get it from me.  I'm stuck with it...and instead of healing as love should to, it rips the scab back off of the wound that has just started heal when I least expect it.