I really thought I was making progress...

I'd been crying less, feeling a bit more optimistic about things, etc.

Then ONE day I miss my afternoon dose of panic meds.  ONE day and I realize that I've moved maybe MILLIMETERS from "square one".

I've at least pretty much gotten past the denial phase of grief, but now seem to be stuck in the anger.  Where I used to be the one who was laid back regarding Kamden's...well...being three I now find myself snapping at the most ridiculous things.  I know it's normal and that it's "part of the process" but I sure hate that it has to manifest and affect my precious little boy.  Luckily, he's a complete sweetheart who, even at the tender age of three, will come up, rub his tiny hand on my back and say, "Momma?  I can for help you to feel better?"  Just hearing the sincerity and child-like faith in his voice when he asks me that makes things better.  I let him know that he is my biggest help and biggest reason to get better and he'll crawl into my lap, wrap his arms around my neck and say, "I love you so, so, so, so much Momma."

It's things like that which I have to remember when I have the darkest moments.  Moments like I had earlier in the week.  We had gone swimming and were all going to clean up before dinner time.  I got Kamden bathed and sent to Jeff and decided I was going to take a soak bath (which I haven't done in I don't know how long).  So much hurt and anger and pain welled up inside me during my time in the tub.  (I guess it was my time to think and I thought too much.)  I found myself trying to cut in order to get the pain out.  Now, before anyone freaks out or starts telling me that's not the way to deal with it let me explain the thought behind it.  When I AM in school, I'm a psych major.  I know all about cutting.  I "know" but I didn't know until the pain of losing Kaidi hit like a Mack truck.  Tears, talking, yelling - it all gets SOME of the pain and feelings out.  But not enough - never enough.  I can't speak for anyone else who has ever dealt with cutting or wanting to cut, but the thought that ran through my mind was, "If I can just get a little cut, a little blood to flow, it will let that pain come out faster.  It will just give relief from all the pressure on the inside that makes me feel like I'm going to explode all the time."  I tried.  I tried more than once.  I'd been saying that apparently even that was something I couldn't "succeed" at because I never successfully cut myself, but I see now that it was God preventing it from happening.  Very, very shortly after my failed attempt, Kamden burst into the bathroom, full of giggles and loves for me.  What would I have done had he come in and seen me in...a less than desirable state of ANY kind??  How would I explain that to him?  I thank God that I was a failure.

I have let my husband know so he can keep an eye on me - and really since that time I've not had the thought or desire to do so again, but considering that it DID come up and came very close to happening, I do want to be safe rather than sorry.  I see my psychiatrist again in a little over a week and will talk to them about it then.  I'm terrified to do so, mainly because I don't want them to think I am contemplating suicide or anything like that and admit me somewhere.  It's not that at all.  I don't want to die.  I don't want to hurt anyone and really don't even want to HURT myself.  I want the hurt out.  And I know that the only way it will happen is with time.  That stupid cliche saying is right.  Only time heals all wounds. 

It's officially been 2 months and 1 day since Kaidance left to be with the Father.  It feels both like an eternity and like it never really happened all at the same time.  I still feel her kicks when I start to drift off to sleep.  But in my sleep, I go to her grave site, they let me open her casket to see her one more time and I see my precious child in various states of decay.  I try to hold her, comfort her...and she falls apart in my hands.  I know it's morbid and I know it's disturbing, but it's true.  It's my reality.  Why, I don't know and don't understand...and I am starting to realize I never will understand until I, too am standing with the Father.

All I know is that since this horrible event has happened...I have been put in touch with amazing women with amazing stories, lives and families who have gone through, or are about to go through, this same type of hurt.  The opportunities have arisen (two times in one day last week, even) to reach out to family members of those who are looking at losing a child to let them to know how best to help and comfort.  I don't doubt God has big plans and is already starting to bring those plans to fruition.  But man...couldn't there be an easier way to get there?

On facebook, I use an application called "Pieces of Flair" and found "flair" the other day that stated it PERFECTLY:

"I know a little suffering is good for the soul, but someone is trying to make a saint out of me."