Getting My Head Shrunk: PTSD and a plan

I went to see my new psychiatrist today, Dr. N.  After giving him a run down on my overall history with panic attacks and depression as well as the happenings over the last several months with Kaidi, he smiled sympathetically and said, "I think it's pretty clear.  You have PTSD."

In case you aren't familiar with the term or the disorder, let me give you a general overview.  As described by the National Institute of Mental Health (http://www.nimh.nih.gov), PTSD is "an anxiety disorder that some people get after seeing or living through a dangerous event.  When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in PTSD, this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they’re no longer in danger."  I know from talking with Jeff (who has himself dealt with PTSD after being deployed to Iraq) that it's incredibly common in soldiers returning home from combat zones, and from the research I have done on infant loss, it seems to be incredibly common in mothers of deceased infants as well. (Additionally survivors of abuse - physical or sexual - survivors of accidents, disasters or other serious events.  Also the sudden death of a loved one can trigger PTSD symptoms.)


What are the symptoms of PTSD?


1. Re-experiencing symptoms:

• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.

Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.

2. Avoidance symptoms:

• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.

Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.

3. Hyperarousal symptoms:

• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.

There are different ways that PTSD may be treated.  The most common is psychotherapy or "talk therapy", but medication may also be prescribed or a combination of the two can be used.  For me, the combination is being used for now.  The medication I've been given for the nightmares/flashbacks/panic attacks is one that is regularly used for those returning from combat.  Apparently going through what we have is the equivalent of war.  I'd believe it.


After a lot of talking and thinking, Jeff and I have decided to not go back onto birth control.  We have a number of reasons for this decision.

1.  I have pretty severe endometriosis and while birth control helps with some of the issues it causes, endo can become severe enough to cause infertility.  While birth control can lessen the effects of endo, it can cause it to come back more severely once you go off of the birth control.
2. Prolonged use of hormonal supplements can severely increase your risk of cancers.
3. We really want to let God have His way.  While we still plan to avoid the most fertile times of the month for at least the next 6 months (the amount of time the doctor recommended for physical healing) we want to just let what happens happen.  Obviously our planning things as we have in the past didn't work.

Who's to say that we'll actually start truly trying in six months?  There's part of me that desperately wants another baby soon, not to replace Kaidance, but to share the love that I can never share with her.  The other part of me feels like I want to get through the first year of "firsts without her" up through her anniversary/birthday.  Now isn't really the time to decide, especially when I'm facing something as serious as I am and need to take care of for my own health's sake, but I can't help but think about it.  Regardless of the "when" part of trying again, I do have a plan in place to get ready for that time.

• Continue psychotherapy (couple's sessions, group grief therapy with other parents, and personal if needed)
• Get to where I don't need the meds I have been given for PTSD (as they are NOT safe in pregnancy)
• If an antidepressant is continued to be needed (as I have a pre-existing diagnosis) to get moved to one that is proven safe in pregnancy.
• Have tight control on my blood glucose levels and get my HA1C at or below 6.0
• Lose 30 lbs (much more than that to reach my total goal, but that would be a good starting point and would SIGNIFICANTLY lower my risk of heart disease as well as the amount of diabetic meds needed.)
• I was never good in either pregnancy about DAILY taking my vitamins, so getting on a good vitamin regiment with regard to prenatals, extra folic acid to combat the brain deformities each of our kids have had, as well as extra calcium.
• Put together, stick to and form a habit with a new family budget and routine.  We all do better with a routine and Lord knows we need to do better with finances and get things paid off/up/saved.
• Get to where I don't just want Kaidi back...but I truly want to welcome a new little person into our lives and can separate the two from one another.

I'm sure this list will be added to, taken away from and changed any number of times between now and when we hit the "ready" mark, but for now I think it's a good place to start and it's a goal.  I need something to focus positive energy on right now, and I can't think of much else better than what's listed above...