*sigh*

I should be pulling myself together for our couple's therapy session this afternoon, but I just don't want to and frankly don't care...  I barely slept last night because every time I closed my eyes I had flashbacks to the night of delivery.  I wanted to wake Jeff up to just hold me and make it go away, but he started a new job yesterday and was so, so tired...I couldn't bring myself to wake him.  Instead, I got up several times to make sure Kamden was warm and still breathing, to smell his skin and hair, and watched makeup reviews and tutorials on youtube.  Sometime after 5:30 I finally fell asleep, only to wake back up at 7:30.  Thankfully, Jeff had today off and I was able to doze on and off until close to noon. 

When I did finally get up, I checked facebook statuses.  Babies, babies everywhere.  One friend delivered her handsome son late last night and another is going into the hospital today to deliver.  Blogs showed that our cousin's baby (born at 24 weeks) had a CT scan that came back to show a miraculous report of brain injury that wasn't expected to resolve itself being gone! So many great things happening and things that I am grateful for...but wish so badly that I could feel truly happy about. 

To even admit I don't feel happy makes me feel horribly guilty.  I guess I'm happy, but I'm jealous beyond belief. 

I start seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow and while I'm excited to start on the path to getting better, I'm extremely anxious about confronting the demons that I've been successful at (or mostly successful at) ignoring up to this point.  I know I'm not really ignoring them because I've had fleeting thoughts of less than desirable "coping" methods coming and going.  Oh, let's just be candid...we're all friends here, right?  At times it's the want to take one more pain pill so that I can numb out the feelings I DO have.  Other times, it's to use the razor to make some small cut where people can't see, just to get a release to make sure that I can still feel SOMETHING.  Now, I haven't acted on either impulse, so no one freak out.  I thank God for having Kamden in our lives and knowing that now more than ever, since Jeff has gone back to work, he needs me in my entirety keeps me from doing anything regretful. 

I actually hate and am ashamed of the fact that I just admitted to all of that, but I promised to be open and honest here and show all sides life after loss for me...so it's raw, it's ugly and it sucks, but it's true at this point.  I know it will get better...and I'm glad that you all get to see it happen.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJune 21, 2011 at 2:49 PM

    Hang in there girly, you're going to make it through this. love you--Billie Lynn

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousJune 21, 2011 at 4:37 PM

    Remember, we can't taste the sweet unless we have tasted the bitter. And when you need to, do what you told me to do.....breathe. Big, deep breaths. The Lord is in control. -Steph

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousJune 21, 2011 at 7:59 PM

    We all love you so much Tara! Please let us know if you need to talk to us. I think that therepy will be very good for you and I look forward to being there for you, as your sister! Love you guys both!

    ReplyDelete

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