What a week...
The "excitement" started Monday with a trip to labor and delivery. I was cramping and hadn't felt our baby move in almost 4 days. (Know that with low/no fluid, this is "normal" but they still like to check if you are feeling less movement than normal.) We got to the hospital, waited a bit and got into a room around 11pm. After all the regular "checking in" questions, our nurse (a WONDERFUL woman named Paula) headed to get the doppler. She assured me that if she didn't immediately get a good heart tone, she'd wheel in the ultrasound machine. We got off lucky and our little angel was sleeping and didn't try to run from the doppler as it usually does. Again, we got a good heart tone around 145bpm.
She went ahead and hooked me up to the contraction monitors and said that while we waited for my urinalysis to come back, she'd just let me rest and see if anything came up on the monitor in that time. Jeff and I watched 19 Kids and Counting (which I don't much recommend when you are laying in L&D...even if you aren't remotely considering that as a possibility, the thought is better birth control than anything else!) and within about 10-15 minutes of her leaving, our baby went absolutely nuts in my belly. Really, feeling the baby is bittersweet for me...but more about that in a bit.
Nurse Paula came back in around midnight. I'd had no contractions (thank God), my pee was clear and as long as I wasn't dilating at all, I was being given the OK to go home and rest. After checking me, I was given the all clear and we headed home with instructions to follow up with our regular appointment with Dr. S on Thursday of the same week.
Wednesday evening, I woke up around 8pm from a nap and, as most pregnant women do, needed to pee. I was a bit shocked to find the slightest amount of blood when I went to the bathroom. I decided to not panic, but to elevate my feet, hydrate and just watch things through the night. Thankfully, it never got worse, and actually wound up going away, so we waited until the following day to see our doctor as planned.
I wasn't expecting much to happen at this appointment. Usually we discuss my blood sugar readings, check heart tones and schedule for the next appointment. Dr. S had received the notes and dictation from Dr. H (the geneticist) and we were going to discuss those, but really, I didn't expect much because Dr. H had pretty much told me everything straight forward at the exam on March 1st.
Now, let me preface this by saying that Dr. S is an incredibly optimistic man and doctor and is a believe in Christ, and therefore in miracles. However, I knew by the way that he put his arm around my shoulders that he was troubled by the news he had to tell us. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I hate this part of my job. I hate it, hate it, HATE it." I kept my composure while he told us that right now, the biggest thing fighting against us was that with the lack of fluid, more than likely the baby would one day roll over/change positions somehow and with no where for the cord to "float to" would wind up pinning it either beneath or between him or her and the wall of the womb. As you know, the cord is the baby's lifeline until it is born, so this would be almost immediately fatal. All oxygen would be immediately cut off from me to baby. I asked him if I needed to be concerned about possible infection were that scenario to occur, and he assured me that unless my water actually broke (meaning that my cervix was actually open) there would be no risk and that likely within a week, my body would begin "labor" to purge the pregnancy. He also told us that should the baby make it to term, the culprit would not be the lack of kidneys, but rather that from what can be seen at this point in time, "this baby's lungs are shot". There must be amniotic fluid for the baby to "breathe" in for the lungs to expand, grow and develop, so with as little (or none it appears) that I have, the lungs can't develop for the baby to breathe. The best way it's been explained to me so far is that it's like blowing up a balloon. The first time you blow up a balloon, it's pretty hard, but if you continue to blow up the same balloon, it gets easier and easier. For babies born with lungs like this, every breath is like blowing up a brand new balloon, and eventually the baby just gets too tired to keep trying. The lungs are stiff and do not give. Intubating can be tried, but many times it leads to fatal blood clots or heart attack.
The one glimmer of hope in the conversation was when he told me about the cord compression. He followed it up with, "I REALLY thought that would have already happened by now, though." If I have one thing to hold onto, it's that my baby has already made it longer than they expected.
I made it pretty well until that evening when we were preparing to leave my parents' home to go to our own. I had kind of a pain in my side and when I looked down to see what it might be, I noticed new stretch marks appearing. My sweet husband, trying to make me feel better said, "Don't worry! I get those from working out too." I smiled at first and then spoke words that didn't even sound like me, "Yeah, but I'm getting them with nothing to show for it in the end." As soon as the words passed my lips, a dam broke inside of me. It was all he could do to support my weight as I fell against him and sobbed to the point of groaning. I was past the point of words and almost past the point of tears. The pain, the anger, and most of all the waiting and not really knowing how it's going to end were just too much at that point.
With each day that passes, it's getting a bit easier. Other mothers I have talked to that have received fatal or poor diagnoses on their children have said it best. The pregnancy gets turned into such a roller coaster. You see a doctor at a minimum of every two weeks, sometimes every week, and you have just enough time to start to bounce back from the news you received at the last appointment when it is time to go and hear new horrors again.
It's taken so much to not become angry with God. I'm glad that as my Father, he knows my heart and loves me in spite of it. A friend recently put it so well: "Get mad at Him if you have to. Let Him know exactly how you feel. He already knows, so it's no surprise. He loves you and He can take whatever you have inside you. It won't hurt Him." I've had reminders all around me (from my own mother, other family, friends, even articles I've read) that when we pray for a miracle or a big answer in general, we want the answer NOW. It's our human nature, and it's even more pronounced when it involves our children. However, there has never yet been a documented time that God was ever late in his answers to our prayers. Biblically we are shown MULTIPLE times of children and adults having already been dead, some for days, and all He had to do was speak the word and their life was restored.
Please Lord, speak the word.
She went ahead and hooked me up to the contraction monitors and said that while we waited for my urinalysis to come back, she'd just let me rest and see if anything came up on the monitor in that time. Jeff and I watched 19 Kids and Counting (which I don't much recommend when you are laying in L&D...even if you aren't remotely considering that as a possibility, the thought is better birth control than anything else!) and within about 10-15 minutes of her leaving, our baby went absolutely nuts in my belly. Really, feeling the baby is bittersweet for me...but more about that in a bit.
Nurse Paula came back in around midnight. I'd had no contractions (thank God), my pee was clear and as long as I wasn't dilating at all, I was being given the OK to go home and rest. After checking me, I was given the all clear and we headed home with instructions to follow up with our regular appointment with Dr. S on Thursday of the same week.
Wednesday evening, I woke up around 8pm from a nap and, as most pregnant women do, needed to pee. I was a bit shocked to find the slightest amount of blood when I went to the bathroom. I decided to not panic, but to elevate my feet, hydrate and just watch things through the night. Thankfully, it never got worse, and actually wound up going away, so we waited until the following day to see our doctor as planned.
I wasn't expecting much to happen at this appointment. Usually we discuss my blood sugar readings, check heart tones and schedule for the next appointment. Dr. S had received the notes and dictation from Dr. H (the geneticist) and we were going to discuss those, but really, I didn't expect much because Dr. H had pretty much told me everything straight forward at the exam on March 1st.
Now, let me preface this by saying that Dr. S is an incredibly optimistic man and doctor and is a believe in Christ, and therefore in miracles. However, I knew by the way that he put his arm around my shoulders that he was troubled by the news he had to tell us. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I hate this part of my job. I hate it, hate it, HATE it." I kept my composure while he told us that right now, the biggest thing fighting against us was that with the lack of fluid, more than likely the baby would one day roll over/change positions somehow and with no where for the cord to "float to" would wind up pinning it either beneath or between him or her and the wall of the womb. As you know, the cord is the baby's lifeline until it is born, so this would be almost immediately fatal. All oxygen would be immediately cut off from me to baby. I asked him if I needed to be concerned about possible infection were that scenario to occur, and he assured me that unless my water actually broke (meaning that my cervix was actually open) there would be no risk and that likely within a week, my body would begin "labor" to purge the pregnancy. He also told us that should the baby make it to term, the culprit would not be the lack of kidneys, but rather that from what can be seen at this point in time, "this baby's lungs are shot". There must be amniotic fluid for the baby to "breathe" in for the lungs to expand, grow and develop, so with as little (or none it appears) that I have, the lungs can't develop for the baby to breathe. The best way it's been explained to me so far is that it's like blowing up a balloon. The first time you blow up a balloon, it's pretty hard, but if you continue to blow up the same balloon, it gets easier and easier. For babies born with lungs like this, every breath is like blowing up a brand new balloon, and eventually the baby just gets too tired to keep trying. The lungs are stiff and do not give. Intubating can be tried, but many times it leads to fatal blood clots or heart attack.
The one glimmer of hope in the conversation was when he told me about the cord compression. He followed it up with, "I REALLY thought that would have already happened by now, though." If I have one thing to hold onto, it's that my baby has already made it longer than they expected.
I made it pretty well until that evening when we were preparing to leave my parents' home to go to our own. I had kind of a pain in my side and when I looked down to see what it might be, I noticed new stretch marks appearing. My sweet husband, trying to make me feel better said, "Don't worry! I get those from working out too." I smiled at first and then spoke words that didn't even sound like me, "Yeah, but I'm getting them with nothing to show for it in the end." As soon as the words passed my lips, a dam broke inside of me. It was all he could do to support my weight as I fell against him and sobbed to the point of groaning. I was past the point of words and almost past the point of tears. The pain, the anger, and most of all the waiting and not really knowing how it's going to end were just too much at that point.
With each day that passes, it's getting a bit easier. Other mothers I have talked to that have received fatal or poor diagnoses on their children have said it best. The pregnancy gets turned into such a roller coaster. You see a doctor at a minimum of every two weeks, sometimes every week, and you have just enough time to start to bounce back from the news you received at the last appointment when it is time to go and hear new horrors again.
It's taken so much to not become angry with God. I'm glad that as my Father, he knows my heart and loves me in spite of it. A friend recently put it so well: "Get mad at Him if you have to. Let Him know exactly how you feel. He already knows, so it's no surprise. He loves you and He can take whatever you have inside you. It won't hurt Him." I've had reminders all around me (from my own mother, other family, friends, even articles I've read) that when we pray for a miracle or a big answer in general, we want the answer NOW. It's our human nature, and it's even more pronounced when it involves our children. However, there has never yet been a documented time that God was ever late in his answers to our prayers. Biblically we are shown MULTIPLE times of children and adults having already been dead, some for days, and all He had to do was speak the word and their life was restored.
Please Lord, speak the word.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteTara,
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts from reading this.
I found your blog on Babycenter and have been following your journey, I lost my daughter in July from complications due to no amniotic fluid and I wanted to share some HOPE and a little of my story with you, if you'd like.
I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring at 32 weeks because I, too, was worried about cord compression and so desperately wanted to meet my daughter alive. Emelyn had NO fluid from 16 weeks gestation and on. Her HR was always low, almost always between 100-110 but we made it all the way to full term without any issues of cord compression (her HR was monitored in the hospital from 32 weeks up until delivery). I was able to go into labor naturally and then it was STILL 10 hours into labor before she had ANY issues with cord compression. At that time, her HR dropped into the 20s and 30s and I had to have an emergency C-section. I am sharing this with you because I too was told that we would NEVER make it to 32 weeks, let alone full term (let alone through LABOR) due to her lack of fluid. Anything is possible.
My advice to you (if you would like it) is just to find out what you and your baby need and fight for it! The answer is going to be different for every person. For me, it was to see my baby alive and going through WEEKS in the hospital and an eventual C-section when I knew my baby probably wouldn't live wasn't easy and it was probably NOT even rational but it's what I NEEDED to do. Unfortunately, this is our ONE chance. People will ALWAYS have their own opinions but just make sure you decide what's important to you and what you need for you and your family and don't stop at anything to see it through.
I am so glad to see that you are holding onto hope. You have a really rough few months ahead of you. I know how scary it is counting every movement, not knowing if your baby will be alive even an hour from now. It IS an emotional roller coaster! You ARE a strong Momma and you can do all things through Christ who WILL give you the strength. I remember at times I felt like I had NO strength left but God is faithful and He carried me through.
If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to ask on BBC (CodiH) or by e-mail: codihowell@hotmail.com.
I will continue to pray for your family and will follow your journey here, if it's okay with you.
Codi
Thank you so much Codi. I will definitely get in touch with you. I feel badly to talk to my family and friends about all of this because I know it's an awkward position to be in to not at all know what to say. Thank you for taking the time to comment here and I would love to have you follow our journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm SO glad you replied, I wasn't sure what to say or how much of my journey to share. Often times, when someone is going through a difficult time words all seem wrong and/or empty (I wrote my message to you 5 times ;)). I hope that SOMETHING touched you and that, in some way, our story can be a blessing to you through all of this. I look forward to being in contact with you.
ReplyDelete