It's been almost a week...
...since we got even more bad news.
4 weeks had passed since we saw the geneticist and we returned for a re-evaluation on March 1st. We were praying and believing that this time the doctor would be shocked by the change for the better that she would see, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. I still can't fully wrap my head around everything that we were told, but in a lump sum, it was the following.
- There is no measurable amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. The few pockets they found that looked like they might be small fluid pockets turned out to be fulled with umbilical cord.
- The baby's chest cavity is measuring smaller than the rest of his/her body. Usually this is a strong indicator of non-growth of the lungs. In addition, the heart is taking up more than a third of the chest cavity, where at this point it should take up no more than one-half. This is also an indicator of poor lung development.
- The baby's legs are compressed against its body. This means a) we aren't able to know the gender of our child (which is the least of our worries at this point) and b) that the baby could be born with atrophied limbs and clubbed feet.
- The umbilical cord is currently laying across baby's neck. The geneticist informed us that at this point in time, it doesn't look like the cord is around the neck, but that in cases like this, it's not uncommon for fetal death to occur because of that very thing happening, or the growth of the baby compressing the cord and cutting off oxygen supply to the baby.
- We were told that if the baby makes it through the pregnancy, best case scenario, it would live 36 hours. We were told to not worry about trying a breathing tube or dialysis, because it would result in pulmonary embolism due to pulmonary hypoplasia.
- We're told that this is most likely purely due to a chromosomal defect that occurred with original division of the cells - long before my pregnancy would have even registered on a test. Somehow, I still feel sure there's something I should or shouldn't have done that would have affected things.
We have always known that termination wouldn't be an option for us unless I was, quite literally, close to losing my life. We're hoping to get a second opinion in Dallas or somewhere and will be talking with my OB about it later in the week. I won't give up on my baby as long as it can fight, but I'm faced with so many questions that I can't even begin to answer.
Things like:
* How far am I willing to exhaust resources to keep my baby alive...and if there's little to no chance as it is, will using those resources cause my child horrible pain? More so than just letting him/her go?
* Is it selfish of me to try and keep my child here when he/she would be better off being with the Creator?
* Am I really going to get through this or is that just the cliche thing to say? (I know the answer to this is, of course I'll get through it, but most days I wonder.)
*If this ends badly...will I ever have the courage to try again?
I know that some of these questions are really insignificant at this point, but my mind just races with thoughts constantly.
And I'm tired.
I'm so...tired...
4 weeks had passed since we saw the geneticist and we returned for a re-evaluation on March 1st. We were praying and believing that this time the doctor would be shocked by the change for the better that she would see, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. I still can't fully wrap my head around everything that we were told, but in a lump sum, it was the following.
- There is no measurable amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. The few pockets they found that looked like they might be small fluid pockets turned out to be fulled with umbilical cord.
- The baby's chest cavity is measuring smaller than the rest of his/her body. Usually this is a strong indicator of non-growth of the lungs. In addition, the heart is taking up more than a third of the chest cavity, where at this point it should take up no more than one-half. This is also an indicator of poor lung development.
- The baby's legs are compressed against its body. This means a) we aren't able to know the gender of our child (which is the least of our worries at this point) and b) that the baby could be born with atrophied limbs and clubbed feet.
- The umbilical cord is currently laying across baby's neck. The geneticist informed us that at this point in time, it doesn't look like the cord is around the neck, but that in cases like this, it's not uncommon for fetal death to occur because of that very thing happening, or the growth of the baby compressing the cord and cutting off oxygen supply to the baby.
- We were told that if the baby makes it through the pregnancy, best case scenario, it would live 36 hours. We were told to not worry about trying a breathing tube or dialysis, because it would result in pulmonary embolism due to pulmonary hypoplasia.
- We're told that this is most likely purely due to a chromosomal defect that occurred with original division of the cells - long before my pregnancy would have even registered on a test. Somehow, I still feel sure there's something I should or shouldn't have done that would have affected things.
We have always known that termination wouldn't be an option for us unless I was, quite literally, close to losing my life. We're hoping to get a second opinion in Dallas or somewhere and will be talking with my OB about it later in the week. I won't give up on my baby as long as it can fight, but I'm faced with so many questions that I can't even begin to answer.
Things like:
* How far am I willing to exhaust resources to keep my baby alive...and if there's little to no chance as it is, will using those resources cause my child horrible pain? More so than just letting him/her go?
* Is it selfish of me to try and keep my child here when he/she would be better off being with the Creator?
* Am I really going to get through this or is that just the cliche thing to say? (I know the answer to this is, of course I'll get through it, but most days I wonder.)
*If this ends badly...will I ever have the courage to try again?
I know that some of these questions are really insignificant at this point, but my mind just races with thoughts constantly.
And I'm tired.
I'm so...tired...
Tara, I am so sad to ready about your little one. Your post is eerily familiar to our experience with our most precious Jody. Your questions are all normal, and honestly it's amazing how one might stay sane! We will be adding you and precious baby K to our prayer list.
ReplyDeletePlease know that you should hold out hope. You are the only one that will at this point. Hang on to the positives and enjoy baby k as much as possible.
Carla
Mom of 4
two that walk, one that flies, and our most recent blessing that babbles...