24 weeks and a lot of thoughts...

Well, here I am...24 weeks pregnant and looking happy.  Between rounds of crying...I AM happy.  I enjoy feeling Baby K's movements and taps.  I love feeling those things, but sometimes the reminder of the sweet baby growing inside me is more bitter than sweet.  I was talking with my mother the other night and I said, "With no fluid, I'm not supposed to feel the baby much if at all.  I've felt this baby move every day for over a week now.  That has to mean something good right???   I mean, if it doesn't mean something good, then it's all just a cruel joke and extremely unfair."

Of course, as I've said before, I'm not giving up so long as there is a heartbeat to be seen and movement to be felt from this child.  I know that even if there is a 1:1,000,000 chance that there is still THAT chance that s/he could be fine.  However, the longer that I carry this sweet miracle, the more the reality settles in that I'll likely not ever see this child come home.  I don't know if it makes me more sad for ME, or for my husband and son who don't get to feel the tiny movements and reminders that there is still life inside of me.

We see our geneticist on Tuesday and while I am anxious to go and see my child on the monitor, I dread the appointment so much.  I hold my breath every time we walk into a doctor's office now, just on the edge of a panic attack until we hear the heart beat or see a tiny flutter on the monitor.  I dread talking to Dr H., knowing that her report will be one filled with more negativity, more bad news and more things to dread.  My hope lies in the possible referral to another specialist who may be able to do see organs via a different test.  Or even to another specialist who just has some ounce of hope for this life I carry.  Thursday of next week, we'll see Dr. S. and his sweet staff again.  He's agreed to continue my care and monitor Baby K and I until "the time comes" whether that time is for us to rejoice in a miracle, or to say goodbye.

In the mean time, we are looking forward to our son's 3rd birthday.  I can't believe in a little less than a month, Kamden is going to be three.  He's continuing to be such a joy and anchor in my life.  I can look at him and know that no matter what happens I'm going to be okay...  He gave me the biggest laugh today.  We were reading a book about the birth of Jesus, and we got to the part regarding the wise men.  I told him, "Look Kamden, these are the wise men.  They brought baby Jesus gifts.  One brought gold, one brought frankincense and one brought myrrh."  All of a sudden, his sweet face lit up and he said, "MOMMA!  Where IS Frank????"  Apparently, we're going to have to designate a wise man in our family nativity scene as "Frank the Wise Man".

Thank you God for my sweet, sweet, Angel Boy