Koopman Kraziness

It has been nine months since I took the time to write here, and I regret that.  Writing here has always been cathartic for me.  There's no excuse.  I got distracted by and busy with life and just didn't make time to do it anymore.  After going back and reading some of my old posts, I realized how much I was actually able to get out and sort out just by writing.  That being said, tonight will be a general update and then I'll get into a routine with it all again. Since the last time I wrote, there have been NUMEROUS changes in our lives. Kamden was accepted into a specialized autism program at another school in our district and was moved to attend there at the start of the spring semester last school year.   Within the first three weeks of attending, he was fully potty trained, was excelling in his classes and was showing more independence than I have ever seen him have. We moved out of my parents' home and into our own place.  I was lucky enough...

Well, sickness has hit the house again.  Kamden started with the sniffles a couple of days ago, but hadn't been showing any signs of feeling badly in general, so I opted to just watch him.  The next day we had coughing starting up, but again, nothing major.  Yesterday, his sinuses looked to be swollen and Over the course of the night last night, his cough turned very wet and he was gagging and gasping for air part of the time.  I got him comfortable and he slept through the night.   * Disclaimer - before anyone freaks out and says I should have gone to the ER, this sort of thing happens in our house like clockwork about every 6 weeks.  We have a nebulizer and medication on hand to take care of any asthma attacks or breathing troubles that may come up, so I was prepared and we were watching carefully.*  Fast forward to this morning - his sinuses seemed less inflamed, but his cough sounded terrible and it was causing him to dry heave and gag.  I o...

I always say that I need to blog more often, but it's really going to have to happen.  Things are looking like they are going to become really intense and involved over the next few months, and I have to document it all somewhere or I'll never keep track of progress. In regard to my sweet Kamden...  Where do I start?  Just before Spring Break, we started noticing some behavioral changes.  Nothing to severe, but enough to catch attention of those at home as well as school and therapy.  After returning to classes, things seemed to just keep going down hill.  Kamden has been very much not himself in regard to how he acts and reacts to those in authority, and even in how he treats his friends and classmates.  Additionally, he has started to lose his motor coordination, speech processing, and other normal functions.  The most likely cause is that he has started having complications tied to bilateral ventriculomegaly.  We were told after his MRI ...

I despise the word "normal" for a variety of reasons, but primarily simply this: Everyone has a different definition of what "normal" is.  For some, working all night and sleeping all day is normal.  For others, being shot at on a daily basis is normal.  For still others, normal involves the general stereotype - 2.5 kids, mom and dad in the same home where either dad works and mom stays home or both work. Here's what "normal" looks like for my little family. I (Mom) go to school full time.  I completed my Associates of Science in Biology this semester, but I start back full time at the end of January to work on my Bachelors in Biotechnology and a minor in Psychology.  I also work two unconventional jobs.  Currently I work for myself as a housekeeper for a handful of faithful clients and I am getting a new business as a Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay off the ground.  I'm fully aware that I need to make more money than I do ...

I get told all the time by people in my life what a good mom I am to Kamden.  I can never thank anyone enough for saying so, but I have the hardest time believing it. Let me explain. I bust my butt to make sure Kamden has what he needs to the fullest of my ability.  I'll pick up odd jobs to make money fast to cover extra expenses, push for help at school, make sure he's at therapies and that the therapists are up to date on anything new going on with him.  I double check to make sure he's received his medication on time and that he's used his essential oils for the day and I make sure that he has his doctor's appointments on time. However... Tonight is the first time I have ever played tag with my son. I get so caught up in all the things he appears to need that it becomes easy for me to forget that the thing he needs the most is me. I forget that just being in the same room is not the same as spending time with him.  He needs me to be his mother and his a...

Can we just talk about how bad I feel to even say that?  All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and have several kids.  So many days now, I find myself cracking jokes about how Kamden's behavior that day is an amazing form of birth control.  I'm sure that to many people who hear my say such things it is shocking and possibly offensive, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I joke to keep from crying. There's always a bit of truth in our joking around or making sarcastic comments whether we want to admit to it or not.  I know that I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to anyone, but I think it might help someone else out there.  If nothing else, you will know you are not alone. Why I Would Not Have Another Child Kamden is SO sensitive to other people and their reactions and emotions that he gets physically upset and at times inconsolable when he sees another person cry.  While I know that this could eventually get better, it is devastat...

This entry began yesterday... It's only 11 am and today has already been awful.  Kamden has yelled all morning and yelled at and was ugly enough to leave my mother in tears.  These are the days I hate the most.  He doesn't at all resemble the child I know he is.  The usually sweet, caring Kamden is masked by a rude,  belligerent, hateful child that I don't know how to deal with other than to make him rest in a dark, quiet room.  A few hours later, he generally is back to himself and apologetic for how he's acted,  but my God...help us all in the mean time. Fast forward to 24-hours later, and we have had a calmer day, but not until we'd had another blow up of a night.  Kamden had taken his nightly dose of medication already and it was obvious it was beginning to take effect.  He lashed out at my mom and my dad both and was quite ugly to them.  It ended up with two very upset and hurt grandparents and a very upset and sobbing 7-...

It is so easy to make a snap judgment about a person.  I cannot even imagine how many times I have mistakenly judged someone based on their actions or demeanor when I came into contact with them and it might have been something as simple as a really, really bad day. Having a child with autism has made me much more aware of what goes on around me.  I used to walk through a store and hear a child screaming or see what I perceived to be "bad behavior" and the first thoughts to flood my mind consisted of, "If I were that's child's parent..."  Now, I see things quite differently.  Yes, that child may be behaving horribly, but what if that child is also a high functioning autistic?  A simple glance at one moment in his or her day is not going to tell me what a child is like, not will it give me an accurate picture of what that parent deals with all day long.  I know that I cannot realistically expect others to extend the same thoughts to me when Kamden is havin...

**I want to preface this by saying that the last few weeks have been highly stressful and there has been much less sleep than usual.  I'm a bit delirious and kind of just doing what I call "word vomit" in hopes that it will calm my mind.  I apologize if this doesn't make sense in parts. ** I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.  This has been my pattern for almost 2 weeks now.  My mind begins to race when I lay down and while there is so much good going on regarding Kamden right now, there is so much that weighs heavily on my heart and mind. It has hit me recently that we will never have a "normal" life.  One part of me thinks, "What is 'normal' anyway?"  Then there is the other side of me that watches my son live his daily life and that side's heart breaks a little every time I see just how different things are. He has the biggest heart I have ever seen...but he can't control his emotions.  When he sees someone else is ups...

I haven't written in a few months and I do apologize.  This year has been one of the busiest I ever remember having. Let's start with the biggest news.  Jeff and I have divorced.  While it was inevitable, it is still difficult and is something we are both dealing with day by day.  Trying to find your new "normal" after eight and a half years is challenging at best.  We had been separated a year when the divorce finalized, but that next step is quite the doozie. Nothing can prepare you for the floor of emotions.  You go into it thinking that you will feel relieved, maybe even excited, when things are final and the stress associated with the ending of it all is over.  Instead, you are faced with this ominous feeling of, "What do I do now?  Can I really support myself and my son?  It's been so long since I was single, what if I can't do it?" If nothing else, it has taught me that I can't do more than take life a day at a time.  I...

I generally have no issues with anyone commenting that they are offended or put off by my blog posts, but I feel like I should put the disclaimer that I'm writing this particular post with a quite heavy heart and extremely raw emotions.  It is not my intent to offend or hurt anyone who may read this, but to help to educate and speak for those who feel like they don't have the words anymore.  I will use generalizations in the form of "we/us/they" but in no way believe that I am speaking for everyone who is related to this topic, but merely sharing the feelings of those who I have talked to most frequently.  That being said, and you being warned, let's begin. In the last 3 days I have seen two different posts by two different moms.  One has lost an infant and one is in the middle of a scary process of numerous tests and surgeries to try to give her yet unborn daughter a chance at a "normal life".  In both posts, the mother was either accused of  somethin...