Koopman Kraziness

The last time I posted here was a year ago.  I thought I'd take my chances at vlogging, but I never stayed very consistent with it or got much traffic.  It may be something I do occasionally in the future, but this was always my safe place to come and share or vent, and I'm really needing a place like that again.  It's just time.  So here it is.  The rebirth of my blog. So much has happened in the last year that I'm not even going to attempt to catch up on all of that.  Let's just start from where we are now. Kamden completes fourth grade this coming week, and let me tell you, I can hardly believe we are on our last year of elementary school.  He has made huge progress in his education this year and is thriving in social studies, reading and writing.  We still have a long way to go with some other courses, primarily math, but we are getting there and most importantly, he isn't giving up.  Kamden continues to do speech and occupational t...

I don't think I'll ever understand the stigma that still surrounds mental illness. I am an insulin dependent diabetic.  If someone finds out my blood sugar is too high or that I left my insulin at home, they are immediately panicked and I am flooded with questions about what we need to do or how they can help.  Same is true of anyone who receives a cancer diagnosis, a blood pressure or heart related diagnosis or any other number of things that could be mentioned here. Why is mental illness so vastly different?  Why is someone labeled as "crazy" or "disturbed" because of an imbalance of chemicals in their brain?  Why is having depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, coping with self harm or suicidal thoughts so taboo?  Because people think that only "certain types" of people deal with those type of disorders?  Maybe putting it in a little perspective would help. When I went into first grade, I started having panic and anxiety att...

As you begin 2018,  I want you to remember a few things.  Everything is doable, but there are times it will require great creativity.  As long as there are new ideas and approaches, there is a way to overcome any obstacle.  The power of your own thoughts is immense and as soon as you learn to harness your thoughts, you will find peace and see great things in your life.   You are loved.  The idea that you are not is a lie and you need to remember that, especially in the dark times.   You have been diagnosed with multiple mental conditions.  There is no shame in this.  It’s no different than taking medication to control your diabetes.  It doesn’t mean you are weak, only that you have been strong for too long.   You have talents locked inside of you that you haven’t utilized in years.  It’s time to start using them again.  You owe it to yourself to be happy and healthy both physically ...

School didn't go well today. I noticed when I went to pick Kamden up that all of his classmates had come outside but he had not.  This is never a good sign.  I walked through the hall in the school against the flow of kindergarteners and first graders and tried to keep smiling and not tear up, knowing that when I got to his classroom it was probably not going to be a good scenario.  When I got close to the room, I noticed the principal standing in the doorway, somewhat blocking the door with his body.  I came around his side and glanced into the room, then back at the principal and asked, "Was it a bad day?"  He started to tell me, then stepped aside and I walked into the classroom to find Kamden sitting on the floor against the wall on one side of the room and his teacher standing on the opposite side of the room, smiling a sad smile at me.  I looked back at Kamden, and he was staring off at no one in particular, but he had a definite look of defiance on...

I've started and stopped this post two or three times now.  I got a quite lengthy post done one night and when I read it back, it seemed to just be complaining.  That's not what I want this blog to be about.  I want it to be candid and reveal all sides to special needs life, but I don't want it to ever come across as a pity party. Life has been difficult lately.  Don't get me wrong.  In many ways, life has been wonderful, but it has been extremely difficult.  Kamden's father is a member of the Texas National Guard and he was deployed to help with relief efforts following the hurricane hitting Houston.  Changes in an autism environment are never easy.  We didn't even really receive notice that his dad was going until we got a text from him at the armory while he was waiting to board the buses.  Kamden is fairly resilient, but between his dad unexpectedly going out of town and all the changes associated with starting a new school year, he's h...

It has been nine months since I took the time to write here, and I regret that.  Writing here has always been cathartic for me.  There's no excuse.  I got distracted by and busy with life and just didn't make time to do it anymore.  After going back and reading some of my old posts, I realized how much I was actually able to get out and sort out just by writing.  That being said, tonight will be a general update and then I'll get into a routine with it all again. Since the last time I wrote, there have been NUMEROUS changes in our lives. Kamden was accepted into a specialized autism program at another school in our district and was moved to attend there at the start of the spring semester last school year.   Within the first three weeks of attending, he was fully potty trained, was excelling in his classes and was showing more independence than I have ever seen him have. We moved out of my parents' home and into our own place.  I was lucky enough...

I was talking with a friend this evening and I realized something.  I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I love being able to see what friends on the other side of the country are doing, or see that people have found true love or are expecting a new bundle of happiness, but at the same time, I hate it. I hate what social media has turned us into.  I hate that I have a hard time going 10 minutes without picking up and checking my phone.  I hate that it interrupts time with my family, friends and significant other.  I hate how easy it has become to pretend to be someone or something that we aren't simply by cropping other people out of a picture or posting only the really good (or really bad) side of a story.  I hate how easy it is to make a passive aggressive comment or share a picture that we "just agree with" when really it's supposed to be a subtle dig at someone we are secretly hoping sees that post. Social media, in many ways, has kil...

Well, sickness has hit the house again.  Kamden started with the sniffles a couple of days ago, but hadn't been showing any signs of feeling badly in general, so I opted to just watch him.  The next day we had coughing starting up, but again, nothing major.  Yesterday, his sinuses looked to be swollen and Over the course of the night last night, his cough turned very wet and he was gagging and gasping for air part of the time.  I got him comfortable and he slept through the night.   * Disclaimer - before anyone freaks out and says I should have gone to the ER, this sort of thing happens in our house like clockwork about every 6 weeks.  We have a nebulizer and medication on hand to take care of any asthma attacks or breathing troubles that may come up, so I was prepared and we were watching carefully.*  Fast forward to this morning - his sinuses seemed less inflamed, but his cough sounded terrible and it was causing him to dry heave and gag.  I o...

I always say that I need to blog more often, but it's really going to have to happen.  Things are looking like they are going to become really intense and involved over the next few months, and I have to document it all somewhere or I'll never keep track of progress. In regard to my sweet Kamden...  Where do I start?  Just before Spring Break, we started noticing some behavioral changes.  Nothing to severe, but enough to catch attention of those at home as well as school and therapy.  After returning to classes, things seemed to just keep going down hill.  Kamden has been very much not himself in regard to how he acts and reacts to those in authority, and even in how he treats his friends and classmates.  Additionally, he has started to lose his motor coordination, speech processing, and other normal functions.  The most likely cause is that he has started having complications tied to bilateral ventriculomegaly.  We were told after his MRI ...

I despise the word "normal" for a variety of reasons, but primarily simply this: Everyone has a different definition of what "normal" is.  For some, working all night and sleeping all day is normal.  For others, being shot at on a daily basis is normal.  For still others, normal involves the general stereotype - 2.5 kids, mom and dad in the same home where either dad works and mom stays home or both work. Here's what "normal" looks like for my little family. I (Mom) go to school full time.  I completed my Associates of Science in Biology this semester, but I start back full time at the end of January to work on my Bachelors in Biotechnology and a minor in Psychology.  I also work two unconventional jobs.  Currently I work for myself as a housekeeper for a handful of faithful clients and I am getting a new business as a Independent Beauty Consultant with Mary Kay off the ground.  I'm fully aware that I need to make more money than I do ...

I get told all the time by people in my life what a good mom I am to Kamden.  I can never thank anyone enough for saying so, but I have the hardest time believing it. Let me explain. I bust my butt to make sure Kamden has what he needs to the fullest of my ability.  I'll pick up odd jobs to make money fast to cover extra expenses, push for help at school, make sure he's at therapies and that the therapists are up to date on anything new going on with him.  I double check to make sure he's received his medication on time and that he's used his essential oils for the day and I make sure that he has his doctor's appointments on time. However... Tonight is the first time I have ever played tag with my son. I get so caught up in all the things he appears to need that it becomes easy for me to forget that the thing he needs the most is me. I forget that just being in the same room is not the same as spending time with him.  He needs me to be his mother and his a...

Can we just talk about how bad I feel to even say that?  All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and have several kids.  So many days now, I find myself cracking jokes about how Kamden's behavior that day is an amazing form of birth control.  I'm sure that to many people who hear my say such things it is shocking and possibly offensive, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I joke to keep from crying. There's always a bit of truth in our joking around or making sarcastic comments whether we want to admit to it or not.  I know that I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to anyone, but I think it might help someone else out there.  If nothing else, you will know you are not alone. Why I Would Not Have Another Child Kamden is SO sensitive to other people and their reactions and emotions that he gets physically upset and at times inconsolable when he sees another person cry.  While I know that this could eventually get better, it is devastat...

This entry began yesterday... It's only 11 am and today has already been awful.  Kamden has yelled all morning and yelled at and was ugly enough to leave my mother in tears.  These are the days I hate the most.  He doesn't at all resemble the child I know he is.  The usually sweet, caring Kamden is masked by a rude,  belligerent, hateful child that I don't know how to deal with other than to make him rest in a dark, quiet room.  A few hours later, he generally is back to himself and apologetic for how he's acted,  but my God...help us all in the mean time. Fast forward to 24-hours later, and we have had a calmer day, but not until we'd had another blow up of a night.  Kamden had taken his nightly dose of medication already and it was obvious it was beginning to take effect.  He lashed out at my mom and my dad both and was quite ugly to them.  It ended up with two very upset and hurt grandparents and a very upset and sobbing 7-...

There are a lot of reasons I could list for my being tired, but mostly I am emotionally tired.  Kamden has been really having a time of it lately and I'm not sure what exactly is going on nor how to help him. Ever since school let out, he has been afraid of various things.  He's afraid to sleep alone or even be alone to play for long because he is worried we are going to leave him.  He doesn't want to stay places because he'll miss me or is scared I won't come back.  This makes therapy days brutal.  He begs me to not make him stay, tells me he'll miss me too much...  In part, it is the change of routine. We had a snafu with his Medicaid at the start of the month and so he has been out of therapy for about three weeks.  He's mostly just out of the habit, but it definitely taught me a lesson as far as double checking documentation and due dates. Kamden went back to his therapy office this week and all of his therapists bragged on him for doing so well....

It is so easy to make a snap judgment about a person.  I cannot even imagine how many times I have mistakenly judged someone based on their actions or demeanor when I came into contact with them and it might have been something as simple as a really, really bad day. Having a child with autism has made me much more aware of what goes on around me.  I used to walk through a store and hear a child screaming or see what I perceived to be "bad behavior" and the first thoughts to flood my mind consisted of, "If I were that's child's parent..."  Now, I see things quite differently.  Yes, that child may be behaving horribly, but what if that child is also a high functioning autistic?  A simple glance at one moment in his or her day is not going to tell me what a child is like, not will it give me an accurate picture of what that parent deals with all day long.  I know that I cannot realistically expect others to extend the same thoughts to me when Kamden is havin...

**I want to preface this by saying that the last few weeks have been highly stressful and there has been much less sleep than usual.  I'm a bit delirious and kind of just doing what I call "word vomit" in hopes that it will calm my mind.  I apologize if this doesn't make sense in parts. ** I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep.  This has been my pattern for almost 2 weeks now.  My mind begins to race when I lay down and while there is so much good going on regarding Kamden right now, there is so much that weighs heavily on my heart and mind. It has hit me recently that we will never have a "normal" life.  One part of me thinks, "What is 'normal' anyway?"  Then there is the other side of me that watches my son live his daily life and that side's heart breaks a little every time I see just how different things are. He has the biggest heart I have ever seen...but he can't control his emotions.  When he sees someone else is ups...

I really should write more often.  It clears my head and gives me a bit of peace in a chaotic world.  Maybe this summer is the time to get back on that horse. The last two months have had their fair share of ups and downs.  Thankfully, there have been more ups than downs, but it's been a bit exhausting. Kamden finished his first year of school and was given the Memory Award.  He managed to memorize the names of all the students in the entire kindergarten (between 60 and 70 students).  We also had an ARD meeting (aka IEP meeting) with the school regarding his autism.  The school officially recognizes him as autistic and have provided a confirming diagnosis by way of the school psychologist.  They did emphasize that he's extremely high functioning and that he's incredibly bright, but that they do see areas that he definitely needs help.  The team we met with was very apologetic that it had taken a full year to get him evaluated and set up for he...

Wait.  Hear me out. It's likely something we have all been guilty of at one time or another, and it is something that many of us don't even think about being a potentially fatal decision, but it is. As a mother, I do everything in my power to make sure my child is cared for, safe, fed, protected...or do I?  Why had I never thought about the decisions I make while in the car before? I've been lucky in that I've never been involved in an accident tied to texting.  In fact, most of the time I strictly checked messages at stop lights.  Most of the time.  What about all those times that I didn't wait for a stop light or thought, "It'll only take a second."  I've had close calls.  Some of them have been with Kamden in the car, but thankfully most have been without him in the car. It hit me this week that I'm endangering the life of my son every time I touch my phone while I'm in the car.  I could be the cause of his death.  I ha...

 Someone once asked me how it felt to live life with PTSD.  I think this picture sums it up pretty well.  It feels lonely.  It's terrifying.  It's unpredictable.  You can go months without an episode and one little thing can happen that sends you into a downward spiral.  It never is "cured".  It never "goes away".  It's "controlled" or "noncontrolled".  I learned just how unpredictable it can be this week. I had spring break this week, which for me meant no work and no school.  I decided I'd spend some extra time with Kamden doing things he likes to do but we don't always get time to do, as well as that I'd do something for myself.   On Wednesday, I went to get my nails done.  It's always a time that I mentally escape, relax and just reset myself.  When I got there, the salon was fairly busy.  I had intentionally left my phone in the car so I could disconnect for a bit and had taken to reading magazines a...