I'm not REALLY a jerk

I've been thinking a lot recently about what ticks me off.  lol  I know, great topic to meditate on, isn't it?

If you know me at all, you know that I am pretty laid back and don't get too upset about things in general.  However, compared to a few years ago, I'm actually much more high strung.  My fuse is shorter, the kinds of things that irritate me now in comparison to then are quite different and for the things that are the same, I am much more likely to speak up on the topic quickly rather than to sit back and ignore it like I would have before.

While I do still sympathize with people's daily struggles and concerns, things that I would have been extremely empathetic toward in the past I now find myself fighting the urge to say, "You do realize it's really not THAT big of a deal, right?"  See, that makes me sound like a complete jerk.  It isn't that I don't care about those things.  My entire perspective changed the day I found out Kaidi wasn't going to live.  I'm not talking about the things that go on in other people's lives either.  The things I found myself complaining about day to day suddenly seemed so extremely petty.

I would be mad, literally mad, that I had to clean the house, had MORE dishes to do, that Kamden was poopy again...then suddenly a switch flipped and I was grateful for those things.  Dirty dishes and clothes meant that my family was alive and thriving and living their life.  The poopy diapers meant that Kamden was eating well and was healthy.

I had always been focused on wanting a second child from the time Kamden was about 8 months old.  I'm ashamed to say that I was too distracted by the idea of adding to our family to even fully enjoy all of the firsts with my son and those are things I can't ever get back.  I, understandably, missed out on firsts with him in the first year after losing Kaidi because I withdrew and was dealing with my own demons after her death.  Essentially I missed out on almost 3 full years of Kamden's life because I was too focused on something else - something I didn't have yet or that I couldn't have for a good while and was so fixated on being mad about it that I missed out on precious memories that I can't get back.  In the months after losing Kaidi, all I have are pictures that people remembered to take of Kamden for me or stories that Jeff or my parents have told me about him.

So what am I trying to say? (I kind of went off on a tangent there...)

We are ALL guilty of losing our focus when it comes to what is really important.  What the important things are will vary significantly person to person and situation to situation but I really, truly believe that there are some basic things that are important to realize across the board.

1. Look at what you have and not at what you don't have.  It's great to strive for "bigger and better" things, but not at the expense of what you have now.  I say that with regard to family and friends.  Whether it's advancing in a career and the time being put in takes an excess of quality time away from your family, or, like me, wishing for another child when a beautiful life was cooing in my arms already, the results are rarely worth the expense.  Sure, you can afford that bigger house or car or finally get the latest in entertainment systems, but who is going to be there to enjoy those things with you?  Or, in the case of children, at what point will your current child stop trying to get to you to see the fun, exciting things he/she is doing because they realize that you aren't REALLY paying attention to them?  Kids are dang perceptive and they DO pick up on those things, whether we want to believe it or not.
2. Get used to bumps and potholes.  Life really, really sucks sometimes.  However, life can be really amazing sometimes too.  I'm not saying to live your life with dread, but if we approach every day with the thought of, "No matter what happens today, good or bad, I own today and I own the ability to react in a positive way", little will get to us. Maybe that detour that made you five minutes late to work saved you from a deadly accident.  Maybe that "No" you got for an answer today isn't permanent but is really just a "Wait a little longer".  For me, it's that Kamden's form of autism is more so one where he craves skin to skin contact and much of the day he is in my lap or thisclose to me on the couch while I'm trying to do work for my online classes.  I've started making a conscious choice to audibly say, "My child is a blessing, not a burden" when these times come up and I'm on a deadline.  Really, what's more important?  A perfect score, or turning in that paper just a little before I feel it's "ready" to spend some extra cuddle time with my son?  There's no contest in my mind.  Most likely, there will come a time where he doesn't ask for that as often, if at all, and I don't want to regret turning down times when I could have loved on him.  If I factor into my day that at some point he will need that "touch time", then it's no longer a pothole for me.  It's a calming time for us both.
3. Remember that tomorrow might not happen.  Did I expect for Kaidi to live even after the specialists told me she had no chance?  Honestly, yes.  I believed there was at least a chance.  Even though I mentally prepared for her to be born dead or to die shortly after, I cannot even begin to describe the level of shock I felt when the OB called her time of death.  6 short months later, a young woman I had known since she was born was killed in a one car accident.  I had talked to her just a few days before and it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't see her again.  The majority of humans do not think that way.  No one LIKES to think that way.  I saw a post on Facebook this week that essentially said, "Treat everyone you meet as if they are going to die at midnight."  I thought, "How horrible!" but as I continued to read the post, it emphasized how differently we would treat people if we might be the last person they come into contact with.  I know that it is really kind of a depressing way to view life, but do you really want to risk having your focus in the wrong tense and confuse your future with your present instead of living life to the fullest right now?  Instead of taking the time to tell those around you how you really feel for them (yes, the "L" word"), are you willing to risk not seeing them tomorrow and them not knowing?  Are you willing to throw yourself so unashamedly into the future "you" that everyone misses out on the You that you are now???  

"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called the present."