Dear Kaidi...
It's been a long time since I have written to you, my sweet girl. I've been pushing aside my feelings about you for months and I can't anymore.
Your brother is going to be 5 next month. He still asks me about you, but not nearly as frequently. We had to stop taking him to the cemetery because he started asking when we could bring you home with us and would get extremely upset when I told him you never got to come home.
The thing is, I know you are HOME. I know you are complete. I just can't explain that to him. I really wish that I could.
So many people are having babies lately. It makes me miss you more than I could ever let on. I miss knowing you are growing inside my belly...feeling the tiny kicks and movements I was told I would never be able to feel because of your condition. I wake up many days thinking, "Oh what would I give for some morning sickness!" However, we know the time isn't right and is far from being.
I've taken on so much, Kaidi. Partly due to necessity and partly to keep my mind numb. I'm taking 13 credit hours in college, taking care of your grammy, tending to the household chores for the five of us, and doing volunteer work through church and a little tutoring as I can. I've had many friends tell me they were worried about me and that I needed to take a day to myself...but I can't. I truly feel if I took a break, if I really tried to just focus on myself, that I would crumble. About a month ago, we all came down with the flu...and I also had a nervous breakdown. I didn't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom for almost 4 days. I felt better after "shutting down", but I know that isn't how it should be done.
I desperately want to be a mother again...but I think I've decided not to try for more children of my own. The pain and residual guilt of losing you (I know, everyone including doctors has told me that it was completely beyond my control, but the guilt is still there), combined with your big brother's autism diagnosis and wondering if choices I made before and during pregnancy contributed to that are too much. If God sees fit for me to have another brother or sister for you and Kamden, it will be fully His will and not on my part with trying to get pregnant. The fear and pain that the thought of losing another child or causing another child harm brings me is enough to tell me that if nothing else I am not mentally ready to even entertain the idea of another child.
I can't believe that you would be almost two years old now. I've kind of forgotten what "two" is like. I look at my friend's kids who are near that age and am both amused and fascinated. I forgot how much you would be learning and realizing about the world around you. The questions you would be asking. The silly things you would say and do that no doubt would have me laughing until there were tears in my eyes. I would love to sit with you and attempt to paint your nails while you squirmed and laughed...
Instead, I push on for another day. Continue on with all of my normal things. I pray for a good day with Kamden and fewer autism tantrums than normal. I focus on my schooling with the hope that I'll change someone's life with my work in the field of psychiatry. I keep the home going with the hope that I begin to feel fulfilled as a wife and mother again.
And I think of and ache to hold you. Most days are tolerable...other days the ache is unbearable.
Your brother is going to be 5 next month. He still asks me about you, but not nearly as frequently. We had to stop taking him to the cemetery because he started asking when we could bring you home with us and would get extremely upset when I told him you never got to come home.
The thing is, I know you are HOME. I know you are complete. I just can't explain that to him. I really wish that I could.
So many people are having babies lately. It makes me miss you more than I could ever let on. I miss knowing you are growing inside my belly...feeling the tiny kicks and movements I was told I would never be able to feel because of your condition. I wake up many days thinking, "Oh what would I give for some morning sickness!" However, we know the time isn't right and is far from being.
I've taken on so much, Kaidi. Partly due to necessity and partly to keep my mind numb. I'm taking 13 credit hours in college, taking care of your grammy, tending to the household chores for the five of us, and doing volunteer work through church and a little tutoring as I can. I've had many friends tell me they were worried about me and that I needed to take a day to myself...but I can't. I truly feel if I took a break, if I really tried to just focus on myself, that I would crumble. About a month ago, we all came down with the flu...and I also had a nervous breakdown. I didn't get out of bed other than to use the bathroom for almost 4 days. I felt better after "shutting down", but I know that isn't how it should be done.
I desperately want to be a mother again...but I think I've decided not to try for more children of my own. The pain and residual guilt of losing you (I know, everyone including doctors has told me that it was completely beyond my control, but the guilt is still there), combined with your big brother's autism diagnosis and wondering if choices I made before and during pregnancy contributed to that are too much. If God sees fit for me to have another brother or sister for you and Kamden, it will be fully His will and not on my part with trying to get pregnant. The fear and pain that the thought of losing another child or causing another child harm brings me is enough to tell me that if nothing else I am not mentally ready to even entertain the idea of another child.
I can't believe that you would be almost two years old now. I've kind of forgotten what "two" is like. I look at my friend's kids who are near that age and am both amused and fascinated. I forgot how much you would be learning and realizing about the world around you. The questions you would be asking. The silly things you would say and do that no doubt would have me laughing until there were tears in my eyes. I would love to sit with you and attempt to paint your nails while you squirmed and laughed...
Instead, I push on for another day. Continue on with all of my normal things. I pray for a good day with Kamden and fewer autism tantrums than normal. I focus on my schooling with the hope that I'll change someone's life with my work in the field of psychiatry. I keep the home going with the hope that I begin to feel fulfilled as a wife and mother again.
And I think of and ache to hold you. Most days are tolerable...other days the ache is unbearable.
She loves you so much Tara. I really believe that. You are her mama and it's gonna be such a sweet reunion when you two get to catch up. :)
ReplyDelete