Koopman Kraziness

My Precious Baby Girl - I would be planning your 1st birthday already.  Kamden's is  in April and already pretty well planned, so I have no doubt I'd be on Pinterest looking up fun ideas. I would be on the lookout for the perfect Easter dress.  There are already so many pretty, frilly, "froofy" dresses in the stores - the kind I swore I'd NEVER buy for MY daughter - and I desperately want to get one and dress you up for pictures with your big brother. I would be chasing you around the apartment, you on all fours, likely putting anything you could into your mouth. What a workout. :) I would still be nursing you.  We'd have our own special, quiet moments in the middle of the night where you would hold onto my fingers while your nursed and eventually fell asleep. Instead, today I went with your big brother and your Grammy and picked out a flower wind spinner and balloons for your grave site.  Soon after that, I saw the woman who had asked me what I...

I was sitting tonight and thinking about things that are regularly done in my home, but make NO sense to me. Just to name a few... Not immediately rinsing dishes/pots/pans and therefore making more work for myself when I do the dishes. Putting off laundry because I "hate it" only to let it pile up and take twice as long. Allow ANYONE (including myself) to leave a dirty article of clothing on the floor. Hating clutter with a passion but allowing our family to own as much "stuff" as we do. Complaining about procrastinators, but excusing my own procrastination. Feeling like I could be a better wife/mom/friend, but not taking steps to do so. Wanting to lose weight in large amounts, but not putting forth the physical effort or the mental effort to change. Know that I need to move forward in small steps (in all areas of life) but trying to force myself into the future well before I'm capable or ready to do so. It definitely gave me some things to think abou...

I won't lie. Haha, why do I always throw that in?  I am more open here than I am anywhere else.  But I digress... It's been bad lately.  Really, really bad.  I can't get up the motivation to do basic daily chores.  I cleaned the toilets recently purely because I had no clue on God's green Earth when I last did it.  (Yes, I know that is gross and once you are done dry-heaving, I encourage you to come back and read.)  It had gotten to where we were all having to step over clutter, toys, piles of papers, etc., in order to get through our living room.  I bought groceries enough to feed Jeff's drill unit for a full weekend, but have yet to make any meals from the things I bought.  I hate it and it makes me feel like such a slacker, no...a failure. I saw the psychiatrist today for a follow up.  I mentioned all of this and was replied to with four words: Delayed Grief and Avoidance. First off, I'd like to thank God that I'm normal a...

Okay, being that I haven't lived in Wisconsin in over 3 years, I can't really say that I can place blame there.  I got a letter from my primary care doctor's office this week and was told that my bad cholesterol is high.  I am doing my best to not beat myself up but to not foo foo it away as nothing.  I only need to bring it down about 20 points, so I know it could be way worse.  I know that the first thing everyone thinks of is fatty foods, dairy overload or something similar but after reading up on it, I found out that stress can cause it to rise too.  Apparently when highly stressed, the body doesn't break down foods as well and can cause cholesterol issues. So, in addition to changes in my diet, I'm going to attempt to "de-stress" my life. I know that being stress free is impossible as there are both good and bad stressors we face daily, but there are things I can change to make things less stressful for me. Things like: Asking for help Gett...

At least that I'm going to post lists of on here.  I'm not super motivated lately and to see on here the lack of completion with my goals makes me sad. Instead I'll post a weekly wrap up and let you know what I DID get done.  LOL

I didn't do well in the "Goals Set" category last week, so I'm keeping it simple this week. Read two books. Get back into the gym. Get the house cleaned and germ free Here we go. ETA: Monday 2/13 Laundry put away Master bed stripped, disinfected, febreezed, and re-made Paper piles sorted Papers taken to recycle  

Last Month's Measurements: Neck: 14 Bust: 44 Waist: 44 Hips: 53 Thigh: 26.75 Calf: 17:5 Wrist: 6.5 Forearm: 10.5 Bicep: 14.5 This Month's Measurements Neck: 13.5 Bust: 45.25 Waist: 45 Hips: 53 Thigh: 26 Calf: 17 Wrist: 6.5 Forearm: 10.5 Bicep: 15 Change: Neck. -.5 Bust: +1.25 Waist: +1.00 HIps: 0.00 Thigh: -.75 Calf -.5 Wrist:0.00 Forearm: 0.00 Bicep: -.5 Total: 0.00 change (I won't complain - I was NOT consistent with gym times this month at ALL)

At least most days, I feel.  I have to admit that a big part of me liked it more when I didn't feel. You might have noticed that while we've passed the 8 month mark since losing Kaidi, there was no 8-month "Dear Kaidi" post.  The truth is, that day was incredibly hard and I wasn't sure if people could handle reading about it.  However, I promised from the start of this blog that I'd remain open and honest and I will continue to do so. January 29th fell on a Sunday, so we were less than 5 minutes away from the cemetery where Kaidi's body rests.  I made sure to go out after church so that I could talk to her.  One minute, I was totally composed and kneeling down telling Kaidi I missed her and was making sure her big brother knew everything about her that I could remember...and the next I was having to force myself to stand and leave.  The urge to dig my nails into the dirt and start clawing it away from her tiny coffin was overwhelming.  In my min...

Lucy  Songwriters:  Cooper, John Landrum; Hey Lucy, I remember your name I left a dozen roses on your grave today I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away I just came to talk for a while, got some things I need to say Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I'd give up all the world to see That little piece of Heaven looking back at me Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I've gotta live with the choices I made And I can't live with myself today Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday They said it'd bring some closure to say your name I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance But all I got are these roses to give And they can't help me make amends Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I'd give up all the world to see That little piece of Heaven looking back at me Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her I've gotta live with the choices I made And I can't live with myself today Here we are, now you'r...

I did really well on last week's goals.  Let's see if this week is better! Read 2 books  I finished "The Secret Lives of Hoarders" LATE last night so one more to go! Go to gym 2x Take weight and measurements for progress update Clean out closets and take clothes to goodwill Newspapers to recycling File taxes Read at least half of the material for my next psych test Get house all clean and shiny again :)