Koopman Kraziness

Well, we're halfway there!  It's taking longer than I thought it would, but it sure does feel good to get to the end of a product, know that I didn't waste it and that by using it up, I saved my family money that can go toward family fun things or toward paying off bills (ick). This one will be a definite repurchase!

My precious daughter: By now you would be: Sitting on your own and regularly eating solids.  You would be smiling and cooing, "talking" to us, sleeping less and interacting more.  Your big brother would be begging to help with you and run to get diapers, help with bottles and make sure your nuk never fell out for long. Instead...  My heart smiled and broke again at exactly 10:52pm tonight...  They tell me that part of PTSD is reliving the event.  It's relived not just emotionally, but physically too.  I started feeling the exact same contractions as I had while waiting for you to come 5 months ago.  They hit around 10:00 and didn't let up until exactly 10:52... Now that pain has stopped and it's slowly moving to my heart. We had our first snow yesterday, and in the middle of telling your brother how pretty it was and hearing him ask if we could go outside in it, I caught myself worrying about you when the words, "No, buddy...  It's too c...

Earlier tonight, I was reading through recent blog posts of bloggers that I follow and my favorite blogger EVER (Tiffany - from http://hugelove.blogspot.com) had a new post called " How Deep Is Your Beauty? "  Her posts always touch a place deep inside me, so I know it's a God-pointment that I've come across her and been able to start cultivating a friendship with her. This particular post, however,  rang true in a not so positive way for me.  This part in particular: 1 Peter 3:3-4, 9 Your adornment must not be merely external—braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God…To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might i...

If you've looked at this blog recently, you may have noticed a HUGE inflow of new posts.  I decided that 4 individual blogs was too much and just compiled them all here. I'll blog about each tab topic individually but an overall look at the most recent news will be included on each tab.  For example, I started Couch to 5K tonight.  I will be posting an actual blog post about it tomorrow but the stats of my calories burned, distance run, etc. are listed in the "Gaining Life: Losing Weight" tab. "Kaidi's Kreations" will give the basic information about my crafting business, but will also send you to a separate blogspot with full coverage of the images, prices etc. Some of the tabs have nothing on them yet as I am trying to come up with the best way to work them, but I hope that streamlining it a bit more will help. Give me some feedback as far as what you think of it all and any suggestions you may have.

I just... I don't have anything to give right now.  I mean I'm keeping busier than I ever have and even heading the candle vigil for Infant Loss Awareness tomorrow night, but I'm dead on the inside.  When I don't feel dead on the inside, I feel like I'm exploding out and shattering in on myself all at the same time. The holidays are approaching fast.  I want to skip them all.  I don't even want to celebrate my birthday.  What is there to celebrate, really? Her headstone came in yesterday and I am right back to where I was the day we turned her over to the funeral home.  I sat beside her stone and cried for 45-minutes yesterday, repeating over and over "Why?" and "Oh God..." in little more than a whispered tone. People tell me how strong I am...  If you could see me from the inside out, you'd know otherwise. I'm not "strong".  I'm surviving.  I'm doing what I have to do to keep going for my husband and son...

In this post I outlined the "busy work" and goals that I had for the next 15 months.  I was re-reading the post and realized I made basically ALL long-term goals and no short term.  The short are just as if not more important than the long so I wanted to add an addendum if you will to that list. SHORT term goals Have the sink cleared of all dishes and rinsed out every night before bed. (Working on that this week) Have the living room totally picked up of all toys, glasses, shoes, and other "we live here" items before bed.  (Starting next week) Make sure all trash is gathered and ready to go out in the morning before I go to bed. (This week as well) Sweep the kitchen and dining room daily.  (Starts in two weeks.) Get Kamden fully potty trained.  (I know boys are slower at this than girls, but we haven't REALLY been working on it with all the chaos of the last few months and it's time to get going again.) Have a somewhat flexible, but mostly stuck to ...

***BLOG DISCLAIMER  This is a very emotional post.  95% of it is based purely on my perception and perspective of things and not necessarily on what is FACT.  None of it is meant to offend, point a finger, hurt, or otherwise step on toes.  If it does, it is NOT my intention.  I need to get these things out, so if you aren't sure if you can handle reading a post like this, please "X" out of the window.  I don't want to hurt anyone.*** Have you ever been in the situation where when you get a new car that you suddenly see that EXACT car almost everywhere you go?  Well, it may be a strange comparison, but the same is true of wanting to be pregnant or hold your newborn.  You suddenly see pregnant women EVERY place you go or you see a beautiful bundle in someone's arms everywhere you turn. Most days it's bearable.  It still hurts, but it's more like a dull ache than it is a stabbing pain.  Other days my heart feels exactly like the one i...

I know in the grand scheme of things that 15 months is little more than a blip on the radar, but in Tara-time, it's an ETERNITY.  As of now, 15 months is the approximate amount of time I have been told I need to wait in order to start trying for another baby.  My heart is broken, but at the same time, I know there are truths in the reasons that I've been given. The first reason of course is time.  Ah the cliche' statements just flow through my brain - "Time heals all wounds" (Bull, it makes them more bearable but it doesn't HEAL them), "Just give it some time, it gets better" (well, at this point, all I HAVE on my hands is time and it doesn't seem to be doing much for me, TYVM!) "Get through all the 'firsts' and then it's a bit easier" (Um every day would have been a FIRST with a girl in my life...so I get regarding the holidays and things like that but expecting the "firsts" to end is crap.) The second is pro...