In the Valley
I haven't written in a little while because I wasn't sure what to say, and I was pretty disappointed.
Within just a couple of days of having my extreme "breakthrough", I had a scary set back and have been kind of floating through life since then.
A week ago I had a horrible panic attack/flashback while I was out running errands. Thank God that my mom was with me as I was driving and she said I held my breath and stopped breathing for a bit. She had to remind me to inhale/exhale for the next several minutes until I could get to a parking lot and park to have my melt down.
It was so vivid. One second I felt the rubber of the steering wheel in my hands and the next I felt her. I could feel Kaidi's silky hair and her cold scalp resting in my hand, the other just barely weighed down with the other 3lbs 5oz of her. I could feel the cold of her face on my lips and could smell her hair. Her hair smelled so good...so good.... Instead of it comforting me, I felt like I was reliving having to give her over to the funeral directors or placing her into her coffin for the last time. My God, that's the first time I've called it what it is: her coffin.
My daughter is really dead. Not that I was in denial about it before, but...my God...she really is.
The guilt had more or less subsided, but now it's back with a vengeance. Recently a lot of new information about how unsafe in pregnancy the medication I have used for more than six years for depression is has surfaced. I now don't know if my choice to stay on it is what caused the brain deformity in both kids and possibly Kaidi's Potters Syndrome. As soon as I am moving past and dealing with this all "normally" I fully intend to talk to my psychiatrist about getting off of it. I don't care if it's the best drug out there for depression. I'll take Omega 3 and Super B complex out the wazoo but I will NOT subject another child to what this drug might or might not do. We did contact a lawyer, but there is a possibility that it would involve exhuming and performing an autopsy on Kaidi, and neither of us can even bear the thought of it. The money might be nice and all, but it'd never take away the pain of losing her or the guilt that I'd carry if that's indeed how it turned out.
In other news, I go and meet with a surgeon tomorrow morning to see about having my gallbladder removed. I had a scan done the same week I found out I was expecting Kaidi that showed my gallbladder was completely and entirely full of stones, but upon recommendation of my OB/GYN we waited to have the surgery done until I was post-pregnancy.
I will definitely keep everyone posted on how that goes, and I apologize for not posting for so long. The writing definitely helps me process things, hopefully helps someone else out there, and my therapist encouraged me to continue doing so. That being said, I'll be back on more regularly now.
God bless and much love to you all.
Within just a couple of days of having my extreme "breakthrough", I had a scary set back and have been kind of floating through life since then.
A week ago I had a horrible panic attack/flashback while I was out running errands. Thank God that my mom was with me as I was driving and she said I held my breath and stopped breathing for a bit. She had to remind me to inhale/exhale for the next several minutes until I could get to a parking lot and park to have my melt down.
It was so vivid. One second I felt the rubber of the steering wheel in my hands and the next I felt her. I could feel Kaidi's silky hair and her cold scalp resting in my hand, the other just barely weighed down with the other 3lbs 5oz of her. I could feel the cold of her face on my lips and could smell her hair. Her hair smelled so good...so good.... Instead of it comforting me, I felt like I was reliving having to give her over to the funeral directors or placing her into her coffin for the last time. My God, that's the first time I've called it what it is: her coffin.
My daughter is really dead. Not that I was in denial about it before, but...my God...she really is.
The guilt had more or less subsided, but now it's back with a vengeance. Recently a lot of new information about how unsafe in pregnancy the medication I have used for more than six years for depression is has surfaced. I now don't know if my choice to stay on it is what caused the brain deformity in both kids and possibly Kaidi's Potters Syndrome. As soon as I am moving past and dealing with this all "normally" I fully intend to talk to my psychiatrist about getting off of it. I don't care if it's the best drug out there for depression. I'll take Omega 3 and Super B complex out the wazoo but I will NOT subject another child to what this drug might or might not do. We did contact a lawyer, but there is a possibility that it would involve exhuming and performing an autopsy on Kaidi, and neither of us can even bear the thought of it. The money might be nice and all, but it'd never take away the pain of losing her or the guilt that I'd carry if that's indeed how it turned out.
In other news, I go and meet with a surgeon tomorrow morning to see about having my gallbladder removed. I had a scan done the same week I found out I was expecting Kaidi that showed my gallbladder was completely and entirely full of stones, but upon recommendation of my OB/GYN we waited to have the surgery done until I was post-pregnancy.
I will definitely keep everyone posted on how that goes, and I apologize for not posting for so long. The writing definitely helps me process things, hopefully helps someone else out there, and my therapist encouraged me to continue doing so. That being said, I'll be back on more regularly now.
God bless and much love to you all.
I'm so sorry that your Brain is playing such horrible tricks on you. Flashbacks are so horrible and can be so real. Hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteFYI I had my Gallbladder taken out (I have crystals not stones) and it was much better afterwards.
Arminda
How scary about the flashback in the car! I've had a couple of panic attacks while driving and seriously thought that I was having a heart attack and was going to die. It makes me not want to drive period...
ReplyDeleteI hope that you start to feel some peace again soon. You deserve it! xoxox