The last 2 weeks
I'm sorry it's been so long since I have written. Things got hectic and crazy REALLY fast and haven't slowed down until today. I may go back and do individual posts in more detail on some of the following things, but for now I'll give a general overview so you all can keep up with the insanity.
*Monday, May 9th
We went for what we found out would be our final appointment with Dr. H. After doing a quick ultrasound scan that day and looking over the MRI and dictation from Dr. T in Dallas, she told us that it's really not necessary to see her anymore. The ultrasounds are done primarily to keep an eye on things that they might not have seen in prior scans, but once an MRI has been done, the determination is definite. She explained that continuing to have scans would put undue stress on me and that it was time to allow things to just "take their course". She was quite compassionate and offered to meet with us before we got ready to try again to offer her help and advice on the timing seeing at that she has watched MANY couples go through infant loss and she wants us to be ready and not just rushing into it when we think we are ready.
*Thursday, May 12th
We had a routine check with Dr. S to check Baby's heart tones and general stats. He agreed that it wasn't necessary to continue seeing Dr. H and agreed with her suggestion to induce at 38 weeks so long as my blood pressure and blood glucose levels didn't get out of hand before that time. He told me that the baby's heart rate and other monitoring procedures for the baby would not be taking place during labor and delivery. In instances like these, it's not uncommon for the baby to pass away during delivery from cord compression and the last thing they want is for the mom to hear the baby's heart stop. A c-section would be an absolute emergency only resort - as in I'd literally have to be in jeopardy of my own life in order for one to be done because of how the ethics board at the hospitals in this area works. (That is a LONG story in and of itself, so if you want to know more, ask in the comments.) We were encouraged to check into neonatal hospice as a backup help for if the baby lives longer than a few minutes/hours as well. I see him again on May 25th, for more of the same (heart tone check and general talk).
*Saturday, May 14th - Friday, May 20th
MOVING DAY! We had originally planned to move on the 16th, but wound up being able to get more help on the 14th than we'd have had then, so we moved while Jeff was at drill weekend with the national guard. Thanks to my parents, three fast working moving men and my sweet husband, we got almost everything moved that day and have just been taking a car load at a time over the last week. As of today, there is NOTHING in the old apartment and we are officially moved. Considering that we've been here less than a week, there are really not that many boxes or random things left around. I think that putting in a good effort tomorrow and Monday will see the rest of the boxes gone and our home in order. I'll post either a video or a photo tour when all is in its place, but I can safely say that this place feels more like home than our last one ever did.
*Upcoming stuff
Jeff has put in for an excuse from annual training and we are still waiting to hear the official word, but it seems pretty likely that he will be getting that due to the situation with the baby and not knowing for certain when delivery will happen. He is still a full time student, but has the first half of the summer off from classes so he is working on contract work through the VA Hospital here and getting the final things turned in for acceptance into the Physical Therapist Assistant Program in the fall.
Kamden is continuing to grow, learn and amaze me every day. He's 40 inches tall now and has one speed: SUPER FAST. He daily reminds me of how blessed I am to have such a precious boy in my life.
I am trying to take things a day at a time. Since the move is complete, reality has hit me hard about this pregnancy and it's pending end. I have one family member and two friends due right around the same time we were to be due and it's started hitting me that when I see their sweet little ones doing things, it's going to remind me of what our child would have been doing. I've been praying that rather than doing what (I think) is normal and trying to ignore or separate myself from those milestones with others' children, that I'll embrace them and love on them with the love that I won't get to shower on my own sweet baby. I've been trying to start making arrangements for what we want from the hospital (hand/foot imprints, locks of hair, etc.), start planning a memorial service, funeral/burial arrangements...and I get about two lines into writing my list of "Need To Have's" for one of the above things, and I just shut down. I've caught myself bursting into tears at the slightest kicks, or breaking down for minor things that go "wrong" in the day. I know it's all just part of the preparation and anticipation of such a devastating event and the beginning of the grieving process, but it's embarrassing and tiring... I feel for my sweet husband and son. I know they want to help and just don't know how.
*Monday, May 9th
We went for what we found out would be our final appointment with Dr. H. After doing a quick ultrasound scan that day and looking over the MRI and dictation from Dr. T in Dallas, she told us that it's really not necessary to see her anymore. The ultrasounds are done primarily to keep an eye on things that they might not have seen in prior scans, but once an MRI has been done, the determination is definite. She explained that continuing to have scans would put undue stress on me and that it was time to allow things to just "take their course". She was quite compassionate and offered to meet with us before we got ready to try again to offer her help and advice on the timing seeing at that she has watched MANY couples go through infant loss and she wants us to be ready and not just rushing into it when we think we are ready.
*Thursday, May 12th
We had a routine check with Dr. S to check Baby's heart tones and general stats. He agreed that it wasn't necessary to continue seeing Dr. H and agreed with her suggestion to induce at 38 weeks so long as my blood pressure and blood glucose levels didn't get out of hand before that time. He told me that the baby's heart rate and other monitoring procedures for the baby would not be taking place during labor and delivery. In instances like these, it's not uncommon for the baby to pass away during delivery from cord compression and the last thing they want is for the mom to hear the baby's heart stop. A c-section would be an absolute emergency only resort - as in I'd literally have to be in jeopardy of my own life in order for one to be done because of how the ethics board at the hospitals in this area works. (That is a LONG story in and of itself, so if you want to know more, ask in the comments.) We were encouraged to check into neonatal hospice as a backup help for if the baby lives longer than a few minutes/hours as well. I see him again on May 25th, for more of the same (heart tone check and general talk).
*Saturday, May 14th - Friday, May 20th
MOVING DAY! We had originally planned to move on the 16th, but wound up being able to get more help on the 14th than we'd have had then, so we moved while Jeff was at drill weekend with the national guard. Thanks to my parents, three fast working moving men and my sweet husband, we got almost everything moved that day and have just been taking a car load at a time over the last week. As of today, there is NOTHING in the old apartment and we are officially moved. Considering that we've been here less than a week, there are really not that many boxes or random things left around. I think that putting in a good effort tomorrow and Monday will see the rest of the boxes gone and our home in order. I'll post either a video or a photo tour when all is in its place, but I can safely say that this place feels more like home than our last one ever did.
*Upcoming stuff
Jeff has put in for an excuse from annual training and we are still waiting to hear the official word, but it seems pretty likely that he will be getting that due to the situation with the baby and not knowing for certain when delivery will happen. He is still a full time student, but has the first half of the summer off from classes so he is working on contract work through the VA Hospital here and getting the final things turned in for acceptance into the Physical Therapist Assistant Program in the fall.
Kamden is continuing to grow, learn and amaze me every day. He's 40 inches tall now and has one speed: SUPER FAST. He daily reminds me of how blessed I am to have such a precious boy in my life.
I am trying to take things a day at a time. Since the move is complete, reality has hit me hard about this pregnancy and it's pending end. I have one family member and two friends due right around the same time we were to be due and it's started hitting me that when I see their sweet little ones doing things, it's going to remind me of what our child would have been doing. I've been praying that rather than doing what (I think) is normal and trying to ignore or separate myself from those milestones with others' children, that I'll embrace them and love on them with the love that I won't get to shower on my own sweet baby. I've been trying to start making arrangements for what we want from the hospital (hand/foot imprints, locks of hair, etc.), start planning a memorial service, funeral/burial arrangements...and I get about two lines into writing my list of "Need To Have's" for one of the above things, and I just shut down. I've caught myself bursting into tears at the slightest kicks, or breaking down for minor things that go "wrong" in the day. I know it's all just part of the preparation and anticipation of such a devastating event and the beginning of the grieving process, but it's embarrassing and tiring... I feel for my sweet husband and son. I know they want to help and just don't know how.
so sorry, my friend. *big hug*
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