When there are no words...
I want to write. For some reason though it feels like the words just won't come. The ones that do come seem so unlike me, that I'm afraid to even share them. I understand fully that we are by no means in a "normal situation" so that what I'm feeling and thinking is not going to seem "normal" either, but I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.
Dear Baby K,
The nightmares started Saturday night. Vivid, graphic, horrible nightmares of how the end will be for you. I don't want to even write them out as they were traumatic to even endure once. It was bad enough when they just involved you, but then they started to involve your brother too. Watching him choke and being unable to get to him to save him, and in turn having to watch him die while he asked me why I wouldn't "fix it". There are times my mind wonders to whether in your own unknowing little way you wonder the same thing... Or if Kamden will wonder that after you don't come home from the hospital with us.
It hit me this week that I'm really going to lose you. I was just finishing up Kamden's bedroom at our new apartment and thought, "This room should be set up for two precious babes...not just one." I wish I could make it all better. God knows I've tried, even knowing it was in vain because there wasn't a blessed thing I could do, but I have, I promise. I do have to admit to you, my precious Angel, that I've been unable to ask God anymore for a miracle. I know in my heart that if He so wills, a miracle will happen, but I've stopped asking for it. To go to appointment after appointment, week after week and be told, "Nothing has changed" when I've been praying my heart and crying my eyes out for your healing is quite possibly the most discouraging thing I've ever had to face.
We got mostly settled into our new place in just a week. There are still some boxes and obviously some organizing to do, but the bulk of it is done. When I didn't have "stuff" to keep me busy and mentally occupied anymore, things started to go downhill somewhat. I realized that we have just 5 short weeks left with you. If I could, I'd stay pregnant forever so you could live, but I know that's not possible. I realized all the plans that need to be made and the people I need to call to make sure you are taken care of both while you are with us and once you are sleeping. Thankfully, your Papaw took care of talking with the funeral home for me. That's one task I'm not sure that Daddy or I either one could endure at this point. I still need to contact the hospice unit at the hospital to find out about support groups and help for Daddy and I, and to see what they can do to help make you comfortable while we have you here with us.
It makes me mad to even write this to you. I shouldn't have to. I've been assured that it's nothing I could have prevented, so now the only one I can "blame" is God. I can't even really do that because I do know His plan is perfect for my life, but I don't see how it can be perfect without you in it. It's hard to me to understand how He can choose for one baby to live and another to die when they are given the same diagnoses... Or not even just that... How any precious life can have to endure the things that you have already and then not get the chance to fight. I suppose it isn't for me to understand, but to simply endure...
I love you so much, Baby K, and if I could make this all go away, I would.
Dear Baby K,
The nightmares started Saturday night. Vivid, graphic, horrible nightmares of how the end will be for you. I don't want to even write them out as they were traumatic to even endure once. It was bad enough when they just involved you, but then they started to involve your brother too. Watching him choke and being unable to get to him to save him, and in turn having to watch him die while he asked me why I wouldn't "fix it". There are times my mind wonders to whether in your own unknowing little way you wonder the same thing... Or if Kamden will wonder that after you don't come home from the hospital with us.
It hit me this week that I'm really going to lose you. I was just finishing up Kamden's bedroom at our new apartment and thought, "This room should be set up for two precious babes...not just one." I wish I could make it all better. God knows I've tried, even knowing it was in vain because there wasn't a blessed thing I could do, but I have, I promise. I do have to admit to you, my precious Angel, that I've been unable to ask God anymore for a miracle. I know in my heart that if He so wills, a miracle will happen, but I've stopped asking for it. To go to appointment after appointment, week after week and be told, "Nothing has changed" when I've been praying my heart and crying my eyes out for your healing is quite possibly the most discouraging thing I've ever had to face.
We got mostly settled into our new place in just a week. There are still some boxes and obviously some organizing to do, but the bulk of it is done. When I didn't have "stuff" to keep me busy and mentally occupied anymore, things started to go downhill somewhat. I realized that we have just 5 short weeks left with you. If I could, I'd stay pregnant forever so you could live, but I know that's not possible. I realized all the plans that need to be made and the people I need to call to make sure you are taken care of both while you are with us and once you are sleeping. Thankfully, your Papaw took care of talking with the funeral home for me. That's one task I'm not sure that Daddy or I either one could endure at this point. I still need to contact the hospice unit at the hospital to find out about support groups and help for Daddy and I, and to see what they can do to help make you comfortable while we have you here with us.
It makes me mad to even write this to you. I shouldn't have to. I've been assured that it's nothing I could have prevented, so now the only one I can "blame" is God. I can't even really do that because I do know His plan is perfect for my life, but I don't see how it can be perfect without you in it. It's hard to me to understand how He can choose for one baby to live and another to die when they are given the same diagnoses... Or not even just that... How any precious life can have to endure the things that you have already and then not get the chance to fight. I suppose it isn't for me to understand, but to simply endure...
I love you so much, Baby K, and if I could make this all go away, I would.
My heart is broken completely in two for you. I know it's of little condolence, but please know that others are thinking of you and praying peace, warmth, comfort, and love over your family. I am one of those people. May God bless you all.
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