Today we saw the OB...
I was so thankful... Apparently all the notes had been sent to him as well. I was under the impression that only the genetics specialist would be sent the results of last week's MRI, and that I was going to have to recap everything. Praise the Lord that it wasn't the case at all.
As always he came in with a sympathetic smile and a hug, greeted Jeff and my mother and gave a high-five to Kamden who then informed him that he couldn't give him another one because he was "busy working on this abacus". He asked how I was doing and the only response I could muster up was a monotone, "Not good..." Jeff started to tell him what we'd found out in Dallas and he stopped him and just nodded with a quiet, "It's okay...I know."
After several minutes of hushed talking, he told us he thought it best that we see Dr. H. again and keep her in the loop on everything and have her make the call on any move forward we make. Jeff asked him (because I couldn't) if he would have a problem with inducing us within the next month so that the emotional weight of carrying to term or losing the baby during the last part of pregnancy could be avoided, as well as the chance of our meeting our baby alive increasing. He smiled sadly and told us that he personally had no problem with it, but that he had needed to approach the Ethics Board at both hospitals here regarding similar situations before, one which included a diagnosis of anencephaly, and he was refused each time. According to the Ethics Boards here, which are both in hospitals founded by the Catholic Church*, early induction on the basis of fatal anomalies to closely resembles abortion, and has been called outright abortion. To the best of my knowledge, this is the case across the board in the state of Texas. I respect that we can't do it early. I'd never want my doctor to lose his license, and that is what it would cause to happen. The closest place that we could even consider having this done would be in New Mexico.
Now let me clarify - I do NOT want to "end it all" - although I've had that thought in my lowest times. I want my child to be born ALIVE and get to have one on one time with my son or daughter. We've been told repeatedly that there is no fluid around the baby and that all it will take is the baby rolling over "the wrong way" for it to all end. We've been extremely lucky that it's not happened that way up to this point, but the larger the baby gets, the higher the risk of it happening. More or less, Dr. S. told us today that one of three things will happen. 1) I'll go into early labor because of there no longer being room (due to lack of fluid) for the baby to grow; 2) the baby will pass in utero and since I have no water to break, I'll begin to bleed heavily and cramp rather than actually "contract"; 3) I'll carry to term and then have to choose whether to do c-section to try to meet the baby alive at that time or try to deliver vaginally and risk the baby dying during the birth process because of cord compression/fetal distress.
I do not doubt that if God wanted to and saw fit He could grant reprieve and cause an enormous miracle for our baby. As a mere human, however, I can only look at the facts that are presented before me, and those tell me that the likelihood of meeting our baby alive after all this is slim.
I am 29 weeks and 1 day along, and so the next 11 weeks terrify me. I want to be one of those I read about and talk to that cherish each kick, tap and moment, and I pray that I get that way soon. I don't want to live in dread, anguish and depression for the next three months. I know that what I'm going through is part of the grieving process, but I desperately wish that it was a part I could ignore for just a little while longer...
Jeff is trying to get permission to do home training rather than going to El Paso for annual training so that he won't risk missing the birth of our child, should it happen in the early part of June, so I would ask that those who read and pray would pray favor over him in the eyes of his commander and those involved in the decision to accept or deny this request. The request will hopefully be sent out Monday and we'll just play the waiting game.
Also, I'm supposed to see Dr. H. again within the next 2 weeks, and I'm not sure what all that entails, but am extremely anxious about it all. As soon as I have a date set up I'll let you all know.
If you've read this far...thank you. Many days I feel as if I simply ramble here and wonder how in the world it makes sense to anyone but me.
*I do not in ANY way have issue with the Catholic Church. I merely mention this to outline the driving force behind many of the basis of decisions made by the hospitals, per conversation with my doctor as well as my own research here.
As always he came in with a sympathetic smile and a hug, greeted Jeff and my mother and gave a high-five to Kamden who then informed him that he couldn't give him another one because he was "busy working on this abacus". He asked how I was doing and the only response I could muster up was a monotone, "Not good..." Jeff started to tell him what we'd found out in Dallas and he stopped him and just nodded with a quiet, "It's okay...I know."
After several minutes of hushed talking, he told us he thought it best that we see Dr. H. again and keep her in the loop on everything and have her make the call on any move forward we make. Jeff asked him (because I couldn't) if he would have a problem with inducing us within the next month so that the emotional weight of carrying to term or losing the baby during the last part of pregnancy could be avoided, as well as the chance of our meeting our baby alive increasing. He smiled sadly and told us that he personally had no problem with it, but that he had needed to approach the Ethics Board at both hospitals here regarding similar situations before, one which included a diagnosis of anencephaly, and he was refused each time. According to the Ethics Boards here, which are both in hospitals founded by the Catholic Church*, early induction on the basis of fatal anomalies to closely resembles abortion, and has been called outright abortion. To the best of my knowledge, this is the case across the board in the state of Texas. I respect that we can't do it early. I'd never want my doctor to lose his license, and that is what it would cause to happen. The closest place that we could even consider having this done would be in New Mexico.
Now let me clarify - I do NOT want to "end it all" - although I've had that thought in my lowest times. I want my child to be born ALIVE and get to have one on one time with my son or daughter. We've been told repeatedly that there is no fluid around the baby and that all it will take is the baby rolling over "the wrong way" for it to all end. We've been extremely lucky that it's not happened that way up to this point, but the larger the baby gets, the higher the risk of it happening. More or less, Dr. S. told us today that one of three things will happen. 1) I'll go into early labor because of there no longer being room (due to lack of fluid) for the baby to grow; 2) the baby will pass in utero and since I have no water to break, I'll begin to bleed heavily and cramp rather than actually "contract"; 3) I'll carry to term and then have to choose whether to do c-section to try to meet the baby alive at that time or try to deliver vaginally and risk the baby dying during the birth process because of cord compression/fetal distress.
I do not doubt that if God wanted to and saw fit He could grant reprieve and cause an enormous miracle for our baby. As a mere human, however, I can only look at the facts that are presented before me, and those tell me that the likelihood of meeting our baby alive after all this is slim.
I am 29 weeks and 1 day along, and so the next 11 weeks terrify me. I want to be one of those I read about and talk to that cherish each kick, tap and moment, and I pray that I get that way soon. I don't want to live in dread, anguish and depression for the next three months. I know that what I'm going through is part of the grieving process, but I desperately wish that it was a part I could ignore for just a little while longer...
Jeff is trying to get permission to do home training rather than going to El Paso for annual training so that he won't risk missing the birth of our child, should it happen in the early part of June, so I would ask that those who read and pray would pray favor over him in the eyes of his commander and those involved in the decision to accept or deny this request. The request will hopefully be sent out Monday and we'll just play the waiting game.
Also, I'm supposed to see Dr. H. again within the next 2 weeks, and I'm not sure what all that entails, but am extremely anxious about it all. As soon as I have a date set up I'll let you all know.
If you've read this far...thank you. Many days I feel as if I simply ramble here and wonder how in the world it makes sense to anyone but me.
*I do not in ANY way have issue with the Catholic Church. I merely mention this to outline the driving force behind many of the basis of decisions made by the hospitals, per conversation with my doctor as well as my own research here.
wow, I'm so sorry my friend for this painful journey you've been on. I ask God to continue to hold you and your family in His loving hands and see you through this. Baby K is truly the gift you say he/she is and I hope you and the hubby get the chance to cherish those brief moments to meet him or her as Baby K hangs between this ugly world and finding rest in the next. Your blogs show that you have been a lot stronger through this than I would be. If there's anything I can do, please let me know.
ReplyDelete