It's Gotta Stop
I have repeatedly said that I feel guilty over this whole situation.
What I haven't openly admitted to, until tonight, is that I have turned that guilt inward and been punishing myself. No one who knows me personally jump up and call me when you read this or call 911 - I've not tried to physically harm myself. At least not by cutting or abusing pills or drink. Not by any conventional means. The only way I could think of to "punish" myself, was by not taking care of myself.
For those who do not know, I'm diabetic. I am considered a Type II Diabetic however, unlike most Type II's my age, I'm solely on insulin injections rather than oral medication or control by diet and exercise only. Initially I was put on insulin injections because I became pregnant with Kamden, and the oral medication that I was prescribed was not safe for pregnancy. After delivering, we opted that I continue injections rather than go back on the oral meds, because my diabetes in general seemed to be more tightly controlled. As a tag-a-long to diabetes, I also have a slight blood pressure issue. It's medically considered "borderline", but enough of a concern to be medicated for it. Of course, both of these things are highly affected by pregnancy in general, but even more so in a high risk pregnancy.
Now that I've bored you with facts...here is the reason why.
The only way I could "punish" myself for hurting my child (and yes, I know that thought is irrational, so I'll save your fingers from typing a few lines in the comments :D, right?) was to not take care of myself. How did I do that? Taking blood pressure medicine only once a day rather than twice, or sometimes not at all. There would be days, sometimes a full week at a time, that I'd not check my blood glucose levels(BGL's) let alone take any injections. (To put it in perspective, I am to take a minimum of 5 shots a day, every day, more if my levels are high.) High BP as well as high BGL tend to make you tired. I figured, I was depressed, and in turn tired, all the time, so the high levels just "helped me sleep better". What I didn't think of? The husband and son that I had right in front of me.
I had a talk with my mother just this week and while what she had to say hurt somewhat, and really was kind of terrifying, it was true and it got my attention. My not taking my BP meds as directed, especially with a harder than average and high stress pregnancy adding to the factors that would naturally increase blood pressure, it would be way too easy for me to have a stroke or even possibly a heart attack...leaving my husband and son without me. On the diabetes side of things, stress is HORRIBLE about causing high BGL's. This can do a number of things to one's body, and it's not even something that has to happen over time. One time too high can be too many. Everyone has a different threshold. A "normal" BGL after eating a meal would be 130 or lower. Some people start to feel sick when they hit 140. "Brittle diabetics", or diabetics who have been so for many, many years may not feel signs of "things being off" until they hit near 400. For me, personally, if I hit 250 or higher, I find it hard to keep my eyes open, exhibit the same signs as someone who is drunk (slurred speech, stumbling when walking, etc). For most, a diabetic coma will typically occur when BGL's reach a level of 600 or higher, but as I said everyone has a different threshold. Suffice it to say I have been an idiot.
So...this week has been an eye opener, and really I've never been so glad to be scared straight. If this baby isn't meant to be part of our lives here, it sucks, but it's okay. Jeff doesn't deserve to be punished by losing his wife and Kamden doesn't deserve to suffer by not having his mommy. I have to believe my doctors when they tell me that this was a "lightning strike", "shot in the dark", "freak happening" or whatever other clever way they have of saying there's no way that I could have prevented this from happening to my baby. I have to stop punishing myself for something I couldn't control and still have no control over. If I can't do it for me, I have to care enough about my son and husband to do it for them.
And I will.
What I haven't openly admitted to, until tonight, is that I have turned that guilt inward and been punishing myself. No one who knows me personally jump up and call me when you read this or call 911 - I've not tried to physically harm myself. At least not by cutting or abusing pills or drink. Not by any conventional means. The only way I could think of to "punish" myself, was by not taking care of myself.
For those who do not know, I'm diabetic. I am considered a Type II Diabetic however, unlike most Type II's my age, I'm solely on insulin injections rather than oral medication or control by diet and exercise only. Initially I was put on insulin injections because I became pregnant with Kamden, and the oral medication that I was prescribed was not safe for pregnancy. After delivering, we opted that I continue injections rather than go back on the oral meds, because my diabetes in general seemed to be more tightly controlled. As a tag-a-long to diabetes, I also have a slight blood pressure issue. It's medically considered "borderline", but enough of a concern to be medicated for it. Of course, both of these things are highly affected by pregnancy in general, but even more so in a high risk pregnancy.
Now that I've bored you with facts...here is the reason why.
The only way I could "punish" myself for hurting my child (and yes, I know that thought is irrational, so I'll save your fingers from typing a few lines in the comments :D, right?) was to not take care of myself. How did I do that? Taking blood pressure medicine only once a day rather than twice, or sometimes not at all. There would be days, sometimes a full week at a time, that I'd not check my blood glucose levels(BGL's) let alone take any injections. (To put it in perspective, I am to take a minimum of 5 shots a day, every day, more if my levels are high.) High BP as well as high BGL tend to make you tired. I figured, I was depressed, and in turn tired, all the time, so the high levels just "helped me sleep better". What I didn't think of? The husband and son that I had right in front of me.
I had a talk with my mother just this week and while what she had to say hurt somewhat, and really was kind of terrifying, it was true and it got my attention. My not taking my BP meds as directed, especially with a harder than average and high stress pregnancy adding to the factors that would naturally increase blood pressure, it would be way too easy for me to have a stroke or even possibly a heart attack...leaving my husband and son without me. On the diabetes side of things, stress is HORRIBLE about causing high BGL's. This can do a number of things to one's body, and it's not even something that has to happen over time. One time too high can be too many. Everyone has a different threshold. A "normal" BGL after eating a meal would be 130 or lower. Some people start to feel sick when they hit 140. "Brittle diabetics", or diabetics who have been so for many, many years may not feel signs of "things being off" until they hit near 400. For me, personally, if I hit 250 or higher, I find it hard to keep my eyes open, exhibit the same signs as someone who is drunk (slurred speech, stumbling when walking, etc). For most, a diabetic coma will typically occur when BGL's reach a level of 600 or higher, but as I said everyone has a different threshold. Suffice it to say I have been an idiot.
So...this week has been an eye opener, and really I've never been so glad to be scared straight. If this baby isn't meant to be part of our lives here, it sucks, but it's okay. Jeff doesn't deserve to be punished by losing his wife and Kamden doesn't deserve to suffer by not having his mommy. I have to believe my doctors when they tell me that this was a "lightning strike", "shot in the dark", "freak happening" or whatever other clever way they have of saying there's no way that I could have prevented this from happening to my baby. I have to stop punishing myself for something I couldn't control and still have no control over. If I can't do it for me, I have to care enough about my son and husband to do it for them.
And I will.
Here from LFCA - I'm so sorry for the horrible diagnosis you're facing with your unborn baby.
ReplyDeleteI'm an endocrinologist, and sub-specialize in diabetes in pregnancy. Please believe me when I say that while you didn't take care of yourself, that's true, nothing you did or didn't do could have possibly led to this diagnosis. Your doctors are being completely honest about this!
Praying for you, your family and your baby.
Hi there, I found you on LFCA. I just read your last few posts. I'm betting you hear "I'm sorry" enough, and I'm not here to belittle your situation by telling you to hang in there. I also can't offer "I know what you're going through."
ReplyDeleteBut... please know that people you don't know are praying for you. I pray for strength and peace as you go through the rest of the pregnancy and hopefully get to spend a little time with sweet Baby K. I know you don't know me, but I hope you'll let me know if there's anything at all I can do.
Lots of love from afar through the blogosphere... <3
Amber
Here from LFCA to let you know that many of us are rooting for Baby K and your family.
ReplyDelete