Reality Bites
The reality of Jeff's deployment has hit me today in a big way. Granted, right now I have the comfort of knowing that he is a short 2 hour drive away, but the longer he is gone the more deafening the silence in my house becomes. I know that while he is gone I'll have the comfort of being with my parents and I'll have Kamden and school
to occupy my mind and my time...but I also know and fear the empty feeling that will be there. Living with, for a minimum of 12 months the reality that my husband is defending and protecting the rights of people who loathe and despise him for what he is doing -and I'm not referring to those in Iraq either. Those who daily refer to he and his fellow soldiers as "baby killers" and God only knows what else, while he fights for their right to continue to be able to say those very things. To know that for at least 365 days, my son will not see his daddy other than in pictures or get to interact with him other than through webcam or by way of video recordings made for him to watch while daddy is away. To have to come to terms with that for at least
8760 hours I will not be able to hold, kiss, smell, snuggle with, laugh with, or lay awake at night just to watch my husband sleep. To realize that for 525,600 minutes, I won't see the way his eyes light up when he plays with Kamden. That for at least 31,536,000 seconds I will constantly wonder if he is safe and really coming home to Kamden and me. All these are the things I dread and fear most-but I can't let
on. I know that without saying it, Jeff will still know I fear all these things, but I can never admit them outloud. It will be hard enough for Jeff to go without having to worry if I'll be ok. I know I'll be ok. I have to be. For that year, I need to be Mommy AND Daddy for our son and make sure he has all he needs taken care of. I am
grateful for the support I'll have then and already have now- I know I'll make it because of that support and God guiding me. While it maynot be the best way to live my life now, from now to the end of deployment, I'll live the only way I know how right now-with every ounce of energy, time, effort, and breath devoted to the two I love more than life itself -Jeff and Kamden
to occupy my mind and my time...but I also know and fear the empty feeling that will be there. Living with, for a minimum of 12 months the reality that my husband is defending and protecting the rights of people who loathe and despise him for what he is doing -and I'm not referring to those in Iraq either. Those who daily refer to he and his fellow soldiers as "baby killers" and God only knows what else, while he fights for their right to continue to be able to say those very things. To know that for at least 365 days, my son will not see his daddy other than in pictures or get to interact with him other than through webcam or by way of video recordings made for him to watch while daddy is away. To have to come to terms with that for at least
8760 hours I will not be able to hold, kiss, smell, snuggle with, laugh with, or lay awake at night just to watch my husband sleep. To realize that for 525,600 minutes, I won't see the way his eyes light up when he plays with Kamden. That for at least 31,536,000 seconds I will constantly wonder if he is safe and really coming home to Kamden and me. All these are the things I dread and fear most-but I can't let
on. I know that without saying it, Jeff will still know I fear all these things, but I can never admit them outloud. It will be hard enough for Jeff to go without having to worry if I'll be ok. I know I'll be ok. I have to be. For that year, I need to be Mommy AND Daddy for our son and make sure he has all he needs taken care of. I am
grateful for the support I'll have then and already have now- I know I'll make it because of that support and God guiding me. While it maynot be the best way to live my life now, from now to the end of deployment, I'll live the only way I know how right now-with every ounce of energy, time, effort, and breath devoted to the two I love more than life itself -Jeff and Kamden
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