Koopman Kraziness

I stole this blog post title from a singer I like.  I think it really fits how I feel. What are you "in between", Tara?  Well... losing my daughter and feeling like I can fully move on, to be honest.  And by moving on I mean feeling like I can love another child as an individual and not as a replacement for Kaidi.  Feeling whole again as a family of three and being able to fully focus on and appreciate my son and husband without the thought of, "But I want HER" being there on a constant basis.  I know I'll always want her, but at some point I'll be able to accept that it's not going to happen in this life and be able to be okay with it. I did however come to the conclusion that I need to be distracted.  Not to the point that I don't deal with losing her, but to where I am forced to function on a daily basis.  After doing a lot of thinking and planning I've got a list of things that I plan to do - some are daily, some weekly and some only mont...

I can't believe we hit the 10 month mark. I know I say that every month, but for some reason 10 months seems downright surreal.  I held it together well until the day before your angelversary.  Your big brother was so sweet - trying to take care of me.  He asked me, "Mommy, do you just miss baby sissy SO much?"  I told him yes, and that I just wanted him to have a baby brother or sister to play with.  He held me in his little arms and told me it'd be okay and that he'd take me to the doctor so that they could fix the owie on my heart.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that the doctor couldn't fix it.  I just told him instead that he was the best doctor ever and he could fix it for me. The day of, I didn't fair much better.  It was more of the same, but the guilt was back.  Your daddy wasn't ready to try for another child when we started trying to have you.  A part of me wonders if I'd not pushed and if we'd waited if things wouldn'...

I've been really inspired lately.  In large part, I owe this inspiration to my friend Lindsey .  I greatly admire and respect her and the decisions and sacrifices she makes for her family.  I would really encourage you to read and comment on her blog.  She's amazing! It's not really a secret to ANYONE that our economy is in the crapper and really I don't forsee it getting any better.  If anything it's going to get worse.  Everyone pretty much already knows I coupon and do it as much as possible, but I've decided it's time to take it one step further.  We're going to start going green.  I don't think that we'll ever be FULLY green (but hey, we may surprise even ourselves!) but there are things that we can do to start being self sufficient. I thought I'd make a list of the things I plan to do and ask for input and ideas as well.  Here's what I've got so far. I tend to hoard soaps, shampoos, conditioners, cleaning supplies...  So ...

Wednesday evening my mother started having pains in her right side.  By early Thursday morning she had started having nausea, vomiting and diarrhea.  My dad wound up staying home from work that day and felt pretty confident that she had signs of appendicitis.  Mom also has several complications from long term diabetes, so she wasn't so sure that appendicitis was what was happening, so she put a call into her doctor's office.  Thanks to an office that never called, she waited another 5 hours in agony (want to throat punch someone there, but that's beside the point) before my dad decided we were just going to the ER. I hadn't been to the ER since the night Kaidi was born.  By the time we had arrived at the hospital, the main doors were locked and we had to enter through the ER. My dad asked that I ride with him so that I could wait with mom inside the ER while he parked the car.  Of course I didn't mind to do so, but halfway there I started to pan...

My Precious Baby Girl - I would be planning your 1st birthday already.  Kamden's is  in April and already pretty well planned, so I have no doubt I'd be on Pinterest looking up fun ideas. I would be on the lookout for the perfect Easter dress.  There are already so many pretty, frilly, "froofy" dresses in the stores - the kind I swore I'd NEVER buy for MY daughter - and I desperately want to get one and dress you up for pictures with your big brother. I would be chasing you around the apartment, you on all fours, likely putting anything you could into your mouth. What a workout. :) I would still be nursing you.  We'd have our own special, quiet moments in the middle of the night where you would hold onto my fingers while your nursed and eventually fell asleep. Instead, today I went with your big brother and your Grammy and picked out a flower wind spinner and balloons for your grave site.  Soon after that, I saw the woman who had asked me what I...

I was sitting tonight and thinking about things that are regularly done in my home, but make NO sense to me. Just to name a few... Not immediately rinsing dishes/pots/pans and therefore making more work for myself when I do the dishes. Putting off laundry because I "hate it" only to let it pile up and take twice as long. Allow ANYONE (including myself) to leave a dirty article of clothing on the floor. Hating clutter with a passion but allowing our family to own as much "stuff" as we do. Complaining about procrastinators, but excusing my own procrastination. Feeling like I could be a better wife/mom/friend, but not taking steps to do so. Wanting to lose weight in large amounts, but not putting forth the physical effort or the mental effort to change. Know that I need to move forward in small steps (in all areas of life) but trying to force myself into the future well before I'm capable or ready to do so. It definitely gave me some things to think abou...

I won't lie. Haha, why do I always throw that in?  I am more open here than I am anywhere else.  But I digress... It's been bad lately.  Really, really bad.  I can't get up the motivation to do basic daily chores.  I cleaned the toilets recently purely because I had no clue on God's green Earth when I last did it.  (Yes, I know that is gross and once you are done dry-heaving, I encourage you to come back and read.)  It had gotten to where we were all having to step over clutter, toys, piles of papers, etc., in order to get through our living room.  I bought groceries enough to feed Jeff's drill unit for a full weekend, but have yet to make any meals from the things I bought.  I hate it and it makes me feel like such a slacker, no...a failure. I saw the psychiatrist today for a follow up.  I mentioned all of this and was replied to with four words: Delayed Grief and Avoidance. First off, I'd like to thank God that I'm normal a...