Koopman Kraziness

I'd been crying less, feeling a bit more optimistic about things, etc. Then ONE day I miss my afternoon dose of panic meds.  ONE day and I realize that I've moved maybe MILLIMETERS from "square one". I've at least pretty much gotten past the denial phase of grief, but now seem to be stuck in the anger.  Where I used to be the one who was laid back regarding Kamden's...well...being three I now find myself snapping at the most ridiculous things.  I know it's normal and that it's "part of the process" but I sure hate that it has to manifest and affect my precious little boy.  Luckily, he's a complete sweetheart who, even at the tender age of three, will come up, rub his tiny hand on my back and say, "Momma?  I can for help you to feel better?"  Just hearing the sincerity and child-like faith in his voice when he asks me that makes things better.  I let him know that he is my biggest help and biggest reason to get better and he...

We went to my parents' this week on Jeff's "long day" (meaning work, then a 4 hour long night class) and Kamden got his first experience with playing in the sprinklers.  We've put it off for a while because he has this thing about getting his face wet (even in the tub, he doesn't like it) but he looked like he had a great time.  Grammy and Papaw both got soaked too, but didn't seem to mind!

Kamden was a few months over due for his 3 year well child check, so we went and had that done this last Monday.  We have a wonderful pediatrics office that we go to and love everyone there.  They have been an amazing support for our family since losing Kaidi and have offered to help get counseling for Kamden if it becomes necessary.   I did have a bit of a set back emotionally while we were there because I realized that we would be doing Kaidi's 2 month infant check in the same office, had she lived. Kamden weighed in at 34 lbs (65th%) and 38.5 inches tall (60th%).  They seemed to be overall pleased with his development and speech and assured me that I'm not insane and that he likely has regressed as far as his potty training due to all the big events/changes since May 1st.  Poor dude had to get two vaccinations, but once he saw the trains in the waiting area again he was completely over the upset it had caused. I can't believe how big my Miracle Boy is...

Since Kaidance's Angelversary, we have received so many sweet cards, gifts, and tributes and I cannot say thank you to everyone enough.  We were blessed this week though with two very special gifts.  One of them was for me and one was for Kamden.  (I have a neat gift in the works for Jeff, but more on that later). My sweet sister in law, "J" put in an order for the most touching gift and I received it by mail this week.  It was made by Jeff's Aunt "C" in her home business, and it contains two medallions - one for Kamden with his birthstone (Diamond) and one for Kaidance (Emerald)  I've since added Kaidi's infant ring onto the chain as well, but in my mind, I know can keep both children where they belong.  Right on top of my heart.  I liked what "J" had to say about it all.  She said that now when people ask about my kids, I can have a physical representation of having two, and just let them know that one is with me and one with the Father...

On the Monday before my official due date, we went to the cemetery and met with a man I have known my entire life who now owns the cemetery and works with ordering the headstones and maintaining the grounds.  When we arrived, I looked over at my dad and Jeff with what I know had to be a glassy-eyed, spaced out look and muttered, "I don't want to do this.  Can we just go home?"  My dad smiled at me sadly and patted my leg as I laid my head down on the car door.  He told me that it wasn't fair and that no parent should ever have to bury their child, but that we needed to do this and it would help give us some more closure.  Jeff held my hand tight when he helped me out of the car and chuckled when I gave everyone a good laugh asking if I was walking on anyone (our car had been parked alongside a line of headstones and I had taken a tranquilizer prior to coming to ward off any panic attacks).  He patted my hand as we started up the walkway to the main office...

I know that I am VERY behind on posts.  This week: "The Headstone and 'D Day'" "The Peace a Gift Can Give" "You Are To Be Used" "Kamden's 3 year well child check" I started my own cleaning business 2 weeks ago and doing that, as well as being down a car and taking hubby to and from work have made it hard to keep up.  I PROMISE you a post a day for the rest of this week to catch up!

I am making a vow to myself to ONLY weigh myself at home one time a week.  If I have a doctor's appointment or something like that, it's unavoidable, but I personally will only weigh in on Mondays.  Once I can find my measuring tape, I'll do monthly measurements as well on the first week of the month, but for now the weekly weigh in sits at..... 263. Not the best by any means, but much better than it's been before. Weekly goals: Work out at least three days Cut out diet sodas (will have one for Sunday Splurge) Start tracking my activity so I know where I'm burning calories What about you?  What three goals can you set for this week to set yourself up for victory?