Koopman Kraziness

I get told all the time by people in my life what a good mom I am to Kamden.  I can never thank anyone enough for saying so, but I have the hardest time believing it. Let me explain. I bust my butt to make sure Kamden has what he needs to the fullest of my ability.  I'll pick up odd jobs to make money fast to cover extra expenses, push for help at school, make sure he's at therapies and that the therapists are up to date on anything new going on with him.  I double check to make sure he's received his medication on time and that he's used his essential oils for the day and I make sure that he has his doctor's appointments on time. However... Tonight is the first time I have ever played tag with my son. I get so caught up in all the things he appears to need that it becomes easy for me to forget that the thing he needs the most is me. I forget that just being in the same room is not the same as spending time with him.  He needs me to be his mother and his a...

Can we just talk about how bad I feel to even say that?  All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and have several kids.  So many days now, I find myself cracking jokes about how Kamden's behavior that day is an amazing form of birth control.  I'm sure that to many people who hear my say such things it is shocking and possibly offensive, but I'll let you in on a little secret. I joke to keep from crying. There's always a bit of truth in our joking around or making sarcastic comments whether we want to admit to it or not.  I know that I don't have to explain myself or my feelings to anyone, but I think it might help someone else out there.  If nothing else, you will know you are not alone. Why I Would Not Have Another Child Kamden is SO sensitive to other people and their reactions and emotions that he gets physically upset and at times inconsolable when he sees another person cry.  While I know that this could eventually get better, it is devastat...

This entry began yesterday... It's only 11 am and today has already been awful.  Kamden has yelled all morning and yelled at and was ugly enough to leave my mother in tears.  These are the days I hate the most.  He doesn't at all resemble the child I know he is.  The usually sweet, caring Kamden is masked by a rude,  belligerent, hateful child that I don't know how to deal with other than to make him rest in a dark, quiet room.  A few hours later, he generally is back to himself and apologetic for how he's acted,  but my God...help us all in the mean time. Fast forward to 24-hours later, and we have had a calmer day, but not until we'd had another blow up of a night.  Kamden had taken his nightly dose of medication already and it was obvious it was beginning to take effect.  He lashed out at my mom and my dad both and was quite ugly to them.  It ended up with two very upset and hurt grandparents and a very upset and sobbing 7-...

There are a lot of reasons I could list for my being tired, but mostly I am emotionally tired.  Kamden has been really having a time of it lately and I'm not sure what exactly is going on nor how to help him. Ever since school let out, he has been afraid of various things.  He's afraid to sleep alone or even be alone to play for long because he is worried we are going to leave him.  He doesn't want to stay places because he'll miss me or is scared I won't come back.  This makes therapy days brutal.  He begs me to not make him stay, tells me he'll miss me too much...  In part, it is the change of routine. We had a snafu with his Medicaid at the start of the month and so he has been out of therapy for about three weeks.  He's mostly just out of the habit, but it definitely taught me a lesson as far as double checking documentation and due dates. Kamden went back to his therapy office this week and all of his therapists bragged on him for doing so well....