I hope...

That Kamden always remembers his baby sister.  He still loves her so much...

But I also hope that by the grace of God, even being special needs, that one day he understands death and that I can't "bring her home from the grass". 

So many times those first few months I had to fight the urge to dig with my bare hands just to hold her again...

It's not his fault...but every time he asks...every time he kisses her picture on her headstone...that same desire comes back.  I want him to have her.  He loves babies...he would be an incredible big brother...

And my God...the guilt when he crawls into bed, pats my back when I thought I'd been crying silently enough for no one to know and says, "I know, Momma, I know...I'm here and you just need love."  He's six!  He shouldn't be the one comforting me...

I just want to feel whole. Complete.  And I never will.  That one piece will never be found to complete the puzzle.

I hope that now that this is out of my mind and "onto paper" that I'll be able to sleep...I dread this week...

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