Sometimes it just hurts
I haven't written a "how I feel" post in so long that I'm not entirely sure how it is going to turn out or if I should even post it when I finish... I guess we'll see.
Kaidi would be just over 19 months now. Most days I go through the day without thinking about it much, but Kamden has started asking a lot of questions about her.
During his therapy session last week, we discovered that he thinks that Kaidi stays at the doctor's office and that is why he's always been so terrified of going there. In front of his therapist, for the first time ever, I uttered the words, "No, Bubba. Kaidi doesn't live anywhere. She died." I felt like my heart was being ripped apart all over again. In fact, writing it now feels just as hard as saying it did that day. Since then, he will approach me at random times and ask me, "Why did baby Sissy died?" I can't just tell him anymore that she 'was sick' because he has now decided that anytime HE is sick, that he's not going to come home 'like baby sissy'. So now we enter a new phase of life where we have to try to explain to a 4 year old that his sister didn't have internal organs. So far the explanations I've given him seem to appease him, but I dread the day they don't.
Then there is the fact that he adores babies. He loves babies to the point that when we are out in public, he literally zones in on them and we end up with him at a stranger's table in a restaurant or leaning into their cart in the store to see said baby. He's even started excitedly exclaiming, "I have a baby sister!" Talk about awkward. People start looking for a baby carrier or to see if they missed a baby in your arms when they looked at you the first time. Then you are faced with the dilemma of whether you simply smile and move on with conversation or if you say, as I usually do, "Well, yes honey you do, but remember, she lives with Jesus now", and hope that the person listening doesn't ask for details.
The night terrors started again. I'm not exactly sure when, I just know that from Friday of last week to Monday of this week, I slept a total of about 10 hours. Every time I fell asleep, I'd relive Kaidi's delivery and death and then in the same dream would hear of Kamden being in an accident and dying. If it wasn't that, then it was waking to him burning up with fever and worrying because of earlier dreams to the point that I couldn't sleep anymore. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday and he gave me a different nighttime medication to help better prevent the night terrors and to help me fall and stay asleep. Hopefully I won't have to use it long, but only time will tell.
On top of it all, I've got terribly baby fever. So many friends and family are pregnant with their second, third and fourth children... I'm extremely happy for each and many of them have endured loss as well so I am even MORE excited for them. I just wish I were joining them. I know for my sanity's sake at this point and for the safety of a child that this wish cannot come true. There are too many factors that have to line up that are miles and miles apart from each other right now. I still have "uncontrolled diabetes" due to slack on my own part but also largely in part due to stress and depression. I had been hoping to start coming off of my medications this month, but that is obviously not an option just yet. Our financial situation is not good at best, and we are living with my parents again so there is no room for another child. Kamden is being assessed for autism and we are dealing with the challenges that go along with that which are harder than I'd anticipated. It's just too much at one time to even think about another child. But I do. All the time.
I miss those little kicks that reminded me that no matter how alone I might feel that someone was physically with me all the time. I miss laying in bed on a sleepless night and watching my belly roll and jump. I miss playing music on my belly and feeling my child wake up and "groove". I even miss morning sickness. I never had it to any great degree, but I'd love to have it now. I miss being half awake in the middle of the night with a little angry, snorting baby who just wants to eat and fall asleep in my arms. I miss all of the things I wonder if I will ever get to experience or feel again.
So many days I tell myself I just can't be bothered with it and that it's not doing anyone any good to focus on it or think about it. I tell myself that there is too much to do. And there is. I have Kamden to take care of, a budget to work out and stick to, college classes to attend and do well in, a home to help take care of, bills to pay, etc. Most of the time that works...
But sometimes....it just hurts.
Kaidi would be just over 19 months now. Most days I go through the day without thinking about it much, but Kamden has started asking a lot of questions about her.
During his therapy session last week, we discovered that he thinks that Kaidi stays at the doctor's office and that is why he's always been so terrified of going there. In front of his therapist, for the first time ever, I uttered the words, "No, Bubba. Kaidi doesn't live anywhere. She died." I felt like my heart was being ripped apart all over again. In fact, writing it now feels just as hard as saying it did that day. Since then, he will approach me at random times and ask me, "Why did baby Sissy died?" I can't just tell him anymore that she 'was sick' because he has now decided that anytime HE is sick, that he's not going to come home 'like baby sissy'. So now we enter a new phase of life where we have to try to explain to a 4 year old that his sister didn't have internal organs. So far the explanations I've given him seem to appease him, but I dread the day they don't.
Then there is the fact that he adores babies. He loves babies to the point that when we are out in public, he literally zones in on them and we end up with him at a stranger's table in a restaurant or leaning into their cart in the store to see said baby. He's even started excitedly exclaiming, "I have a baby sister!" Talk about awkward. People start looking for a baby carrier or to see if they missed a baby in your arms when they looked at you the first time. Then you are faced with the dilemma of whether you simply smile and move on with conversation or if you say, as I usually do, "Well, yes honey you do, but remember, she lives with Jesus now", and hope that the person listening doesn't ask for details.
The night terrors started again. I'm not exactly sure when, I just know that from Friday of last week to Monday of this week, I slept a total of about 10 hours. Every time I fell asleep, I'd relive Kaidi's delivery and death and then in the same dream would hear of Kamden being in an accident and dying. If it wasn't that, then it was waking to him burning up with fever and worrying because of earlier dreams to the point that I couldn't sleep anymore. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday and he gave me a different nighttime medication to help better prevent the night terrors and to help me fall and stay asleep. Hopefully I won't have to use it long, but only time will tell.
On top of it all, I've got terribly baby fever. So many friends and family are pregnant with their second, third and fourth children... I'm extremely happy for each and many of them have endured loss as well so I am even MORE excited for them. I just wish I were joining them. I know for my sanity's sake at this point and for the safety of a child that this wish cannot come true. There are too many factors that have to line up that are miles and miles apart from each other right now. I still have "uncontrolled diabetes" due to slack on my own part but also largely in part due to stress and depression. I had been hoping to start coming off of my medications this month, but that is obviously not an option just yet. Our financial situation is not good at best, and we are living with my parents again so there is no room for another child. Kamden is being assessed for autism and we are dealing with the challenges that go along with that which are harder than I'd anticipated. It's just too much at one time to even think about another child. But I do. All the time.
I miss those little kicks that reminded me that no matter how alone I might feel that someone was physically with me all the time. I miss laying in bed on a sleepless night and watching my belly roll and jump. I miss playing music on my belly and feeling my child wake up and "groove". I even miss morning sickness. I never had it to any great degree, but I'd love to have it now. I miss being half awake in the middle of the night with a little angry, snorting baby who just wants to eat and fall asleep in my arms. I miss all of the things I wonder if I will ever get to experience or feel again.
So many days I tell myself I just can't be bothered with it and that it's not doing anyone any good to focus on it or think about it. I tell myself that there is too much to do. And there is. I have Kamden to take care of, a budget to work out and stick to, college classes to attend and do well in, a home to help take care of, bills to pay, etc. Most of the time that works...
But sometimes....it just hurts.
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