Koopman Kraziness

I stole this blog post title from a singer I like.  I think it really fits how I feel. What are you "in between", Tara?  Well... losing my daughter and feeling like I can fully move on, to be honest.  And by moving on I mean feeling like I can love another child as an individual and not as a replacement for Kaidi.  Feeling whole again as a family of three and being able to fully focus on and appreciate my son and husband without the thought of, "But I want HER" being there on a constant basis.  I know I'll always want her, but at some point I'll be able to accept that it's not going to happen in this life and be able to be okay with it. I did however come to the conclusion that I need to be distracted.  Not to the point that I don't deal with losing her, but to where I am forced to function on a daily basis.  After doing a lot of thinking and planning I've got a list of things that I plan to do - some are daily, some weekly and some only mont...

I can't believe we hit the 10 month mark. I know I say that every month, but for some reason 10 months seems downright surreal.  I held it together well until the day before your angelversary.  Your big brother was so sweet - trying to take care of me.  He asked me, "Mommy, do you just miss baby sissy SO much?"  I told him yes, and that I just wanted him to have a baby brother or sister to play with.  He held me in his little arms and told me it'd be okay and that he'd take me to the doctor so that they could fix the owie on my heart.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that the doctor couldn't fix it.  I just told him instead that he was the best doctor ever and he could fix it for me. The day of, I didn't fair much better.  It was more of the same, but the guilt was back.  Your daddy wasn't ready to try for another child when we started trying to have you.  A part of me wonders if I'd not pushed and if we'd waited if things wouldn'...